Warm
by lostinwriting23
Summary: Post- season 3 finale. Maybe spoilers? Beckett wakes up in the hospital and can't decide how she feels, how to act. about anything really. Beckett POV. LAST CHAPTER! Now AU but in the same time frame as Rise. My first Fan Fic. Rated for safety. Feedback?
1. Chapter 1

Part 1

Emerging from the total darkness was like resurfacing in the ocean. Just when I thought I had made it, another wave would just pull me under again. When I finally clawed my to the surface, my senses returned with indecent sluggishness. Scents came first. A sharp, clean smell assaulted my nostrils and burned the inside of my nose. I tried to wrinkle my nose at how weird it smelled to me. It was almost like… antiseptic? A little like the morgue at the precinct but without the formaldehyde and smell of death. But suddenly, somewhere in the strange smell came one that was comfortingly familiar. It made me feel warm. Safe. It was an odd feeling for me.

Touch came second. The first feeling was heat. My hands were burning up. They were clamped in two larger, warmer, soft things. Hands? Who was holding my hands? Not that I was all together unhappy about it though. The contact made me feel substantiated in thinking that I was some what out of the darkness. In contrast, the rest of my body felt like it had been shoved in an ice box and since I'd almost died in one, I felt validated in making that slightly hyperbolic comparison. Farther up from my hands, a rough cloth scratched the underside of my arms. Its light weight spread from just above my waist to below my feet. A blanket? If it was, it wasn't very thick. I was freezing.

In my chest there was a certain tightness that was all together new to me. Almost like my skin was being pulled and held together. What was going on? I was so confused. My muddles brain was trying to put two and two together and was ending up with fifty nine.

Sounds came third and the first and most obvious one was rhythmic beep off to my right. There was about half a second between each chime. It bored into my ears, making it even harder to think in my muddled, confused state. When I finally got past it, more subtle, relaxed noises presented themselves to my open ears. A far off murmur of voices, the squeak of shoes on a floor, a ringing phone. But under all of the others, softest of all, was the steady sigh of breaths, to my left and right, slightly above me.

Curiosity was shooting fire across my eyelids. I had to open them, know where I was. Everything before the blackness was hazy. I remembered Roy's funeral and that sent another ache through my chest. Remembering his betrayal, didn't make his death any less painful. Not that I'd seen the actual act. I'd been pressed against a car, my face burried in Castle's neck when… Castle! Where was Castle? I was sure he'd been with me at the funeral and now? The beeps to my right sped up as my worry mounted. Calm down, Beckett. I told myself, freaking out isn't going to help anyone. Mentally I shook myself. Control the emotions. Compartmentalize. And the memory of Roy's death went into the little box with my mother's murder.

It took ages but finally, slowly, my eyelids cracked open. Everything was white. The walls, the ceiling, the… bed I was laying on? Off to the right, there was a huge machine, jumping green lines, beeps. A heart monitor. I followed the wire and found its other end sticking to my chest. I was making it beep like that. Another tube ran from a drip bag to my arm. An IV? I was in the hospital. Why the hell was I in the hospital?

My head lolled to the side and my eyes trailed down my arm from the IV in my arm to my hand. It was clutched in someone's larger, more wrinkled hand. The hand that belonged to my father. The silver band from his marriage to my mother still shone on his ring finger.

I glanced up at his face. His eyes were open and full of tears. Why was he

crying? I opened my mouth to speak but my tongue felt deadened and dry, almost too heavy to lift.

"Hey Katie." My father leaned forward and kissed my forehead before picking up a cup and placing the straw before my lips. I tried to reach up to take the cup but my arms would cooperate.

"It's fine, sweetie, I got it. Just drink." I didn't like having to have my father hold a cup while I drank from it but my arms would NOT move, so I clamped my lips around the straw and wet my tongue enough to talk.

"Dad," I rasped after I had had my fill to drink and he'd moved the cup away, "Why are you crying? What's wrong?"

My father reached up his free hand and caught the tear that was making its way down his wan, tired face.

"You've been unconscious for three days, Katie. After surgery-"

"Wait," I cut him off, thoroughly confused, "What surgery? Why am I in the hospital?"

"You don't remember?" I shook my head. I had been giving the eulogy at Roy's funeral and then… What?

"Katie, you've been shot." My mind went reeling. Shot? When? How?

"What?" I whispered.

"At the funeral. A sniper. One of the men that killed your mother. He shot you. Ryan and Esposito were after him as soon as you were in the ambulance but he was in the wind."

"I was shot? Where?"

"Your liver. It cracked two of your ribs and punctured your liver. They went in surgically and fixed it up but… It was dicey for a while. You lost so much blood." My father's voice shook and he looked away from me to hide the tears that were now streaking down his cheeks. Well that explained the tightness in my chest. It must have been the stitches.

I squeezed his fingers lightly, "But I'm fine now, Dad. I'm alive, see? I'm okay." He didn't say anything for a long time, just holding my hand again.

When he spoke again his voice was quiet, measured, but firm, "You have to stop this, Katherine."

"Stop what?"

"This case. Being a cop. You… it's going to get you killed, get your partners killed. I've already lost your mother to this. I can't burry you too."

"Dad. I can't stop. I've done so much good. And I'm so close. I can end this. For Mom, I can end this." He didn't understand, and my brain wouldn't dredge up the words to explain it to him. My heart started to race at the thought of it. I could not give up this case now. I was so close.

My father saw the affect it was having on me and instantly tried for another tactic, "Okay, sweet pea, calm down. We'll talk about this later, when you're well again."

No I didn't want to talk about it later. I had to make him understand now, "No, Dad, I-"

"Later Kate." He admonished and I fell silent, nodding. We relapsed into silence, just gazing at each other. I had almost died. I could see the effect it had had on him. His eyes were sunken, cheeks hollow, colorless. He looked like he hadn't eaten or slept in ages. How could I have put my father through so much? He'd already lost a wife to this. It was all my fault that he was hurting and miserable.

My dad looked away first, glancing around the room before settling on something to my left. He smiled at whatever it was before turning to me again.

"He hasn't left your side, you know? He has a bag here. He refuses to leave, even when the doctors try to force him." Confused, I rolled my head on the pillow, trying to see who my dad was talking about. It couldn't be Josh. Josh and I had been over for a while. Since before I left for LA. I had been planning to tell Castle about it in LA but things with us… they were so complicated and … I didn't want to make it worse. My feelings weren't important then anyway. Catching Royce's killer had been all that mattered. When we'd come back from LA I'd tried to tell him but a little voice in the back of my head kept telling me that it was a bad time, that it would just complicate things, that if I told him, I might lose one of my best friends. I couldn't fathom that. So I kept my mouth shut.

I turned to my left and sure enough, it wasn't Josh, keeping vigil at my side, hand curled around mine. It was none other than my tag along writer, Mr. Richard Castle. His fingers were clamped tightly around mine, head lolled to the side, clearly asleep. There was stubble along his jaw and it looked like the first sleep he'd had in years. I felt a sudden surge of affection for the overly excitable writer and wanted nothing more than to run my hands through his hair wake him, thank him for being there. But I didn't. Instead I turned back to my father.

"Didn't someone try to get him to go home? He looks like hell."

"Everyone tried. Esposito, Ryan, Lanie, all the doctors, his mother, me. But he refused. His daughter was on his side. She wanted to stay too, but he made her go home with his mother. Everyone's been in and out a lot, but he never left."

I tried to fight the smile that tugged at the corner of my lips but it fought through my control and it was all I could do not to beam.

"He cares about you, Katie. Don't keep him waiting too long."

"What! Dad!" I groaned, feeling a flush creep into my cheeks.

"I'm just saying. He's good for you."

I rolled my eyes at him and he dropped my hand gently, "I'm going to wake him up then go tell the nurses that you're awake."

"Wait, Dad, no, he's-" but my father was already shaking Castle's shoulders.

"Rick. Wake up, Rick," Castle jolted under my father's hand and then sat straight up, looking around wildly.

"Wah, huh? I'm up, I'm up. What's wrong? Is everything okay? Is she okay?"

"Everything's fine. Great even. Look who's up." My dad moved to the side and Castle stared at me.

"Kate." He breathed, blue eyes devouring mine, like I had… I don't know… it wasn't a look I was used to but I stared back and suddenly memories filled my head.

_A gunshot. Someone screamed my name. Pain in my chest. Falling. Falling for ages, it felt like. Flump on the grass. My hat. Where did my hat go? Dew was soaking the back of my uniform. Why was I on the ground? Who was on top of me, crushing me? Why was everyone screaming? I hurt, My chest hurt so much. And then Castle was above me, his eyes the exact color of the sky, trying to find mine. _

I'm Fine! _I wanted to say. I wanted to sit up and hit him for knocking me down but I couldn't move. My whole body hurt. I heard someone say something about Lanie and my pulse quickened. What had happened to her? Was Lanie okay? I wanted to ask Castle but my tongue wouldn't cooperate. He was still hovering above me. One of his hands cradled the back of my head, the other stabilized against my side._

_"Kate," he was whispering and he sounded terrified. His eyes were clouded over as he leaned closer. The movement caused my hand to flop off my stomach. The white gloves I'd been wearing were now streaked red. Blood. Who's blood? My blood? I'd been shot? "Shh. Kate please. Stay with me, Kate." The use of my first name startled me. It was usually "Detective," or "Beckett," but Kate? His voice shook and the pain was perceptible in each syllable. Had I caused him that much pain? His face was a mask of worry, fear, things I wasn't used to seeing on Richard Castle's face. Usually a cocky smile, the mischievous glint in his eyes when he had some crack pot, half cooked scheme, a smirk when he knew I was going to hit him for what he'd said. But this? It was completely terrifying, uncharted territory. I wanted to hug him, take away the pain I had caused._

_"Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?"_ Yes, Castle, I won't leave you. _I tried to say it, I really did but I could barely breathe. Darkness was creeping into my vision and I tried to focus. Castle. Castle needed me. This … whatever it was, couldn't win. Castle needed my help._

_"Kate." He stared into my eyes and I tried to focus on the blue orbs but everything was sliding away, "I love you. I love you, Kate." On his last four words the darkness closed over my eyes but I wanted to smile. _Castle loves me_,_ _I thought. I slipped under before over analysis could kick in. Before I could freak out._

But, boy, now that I remembered, my heart was jumping. He'd told me he loved me. What the hell was that about? Maybe I'd talk about it later. Instead, I distracted myself with worrying about something from my new/old memories.

"Lanie. Is she okay? I remember hearing someone say something to her or about her... Is she shot too?"

"She's fine, Kate. I think it was Esposito trying to keep her down. I'm not sure. I was a little distracted by you," His hand cupped my cheek. I glanced around and saw that my dad had quietly slipped away. Damn him.

"Are you okay? Do you want some more water? Another blanket?" He was being so attentive. Any other day I would have slapped him silly for babying me. And I considered it today.

"I'm fine, Castle." I started to sit up further but it felt like a mallet slammed into my chest. Everything hurt and I suddenly remembered my dad saying something about cracked ribs.

I gasped for breath and shut my eyes, trying not to show Castle how bad I was hurting but it was hard.

"Kate. Don't move. The nurse is on her way, she'll give you more pain meds." His hand had moved from my cheek to the back of my head, easing me back against the pillows.

"No, Castle," I tried to shove his arm away but he didn't budge. I realized that our other hands were still wound together, "I don't want more pain meds. I'm cold I want another blanket. And I want my water."

"I'll get your water," he jumped up and tried to pick it up but I waved him away.

"No, I can get it."

Castle snorted, not derisively, "No, you can't. I'll get it. It's fine. You're allowed to ask for help," he sat back down, cup in hand, "I mean you were just shot," he murmured and held the straw to my lips.

"Three days ago. And that doesn't make me an invalid," I groused, but I sipped from the straw all the same. When I pulled away, Castle replaced the cup on the tray next to him. He reached back to his zip up hoodie that was thrown over his chair and placed it over me.

"No, Castle, I'm fine. I'll just ask the nurse for a blanket when she comes." But I really didn't want him to take it away. It smelled of the musty, warm cologne that he always wore and residual body heat clung to it, thawing me out.

"No take it. Your lips are turning blue. I don't want you to survive a bullet only to perish before me in hypothermic shock."

I snorted but had to turn away to hide my smile. How did he manage to get to me so quickly? As sneakily as I could, I hooked my arm under the hem of his jacket and snuggled a little further into it.

Castle resumed his seat. His hand hadn't left mine but now he gripped it tighter as

if afraid I'd slip away.

"I'm sitting in a hospital bed, Castle, I'm not going anywhere." I squeezed his fingers reassuringly. In any other circumstance I would have pulled away. Our relationship was so tentative and complex that I was sure neither of us would know how to react to it but given that he had almost taken a bullet for me (and not for lack of trying) I let it slide. It was actually comforting.

Castle laughed shakily and ran a hand through his hair, "So…" he looked around as if hoping a topic for conversation would pop out of one of the walls or be spelled out in my heart rate monitor, "What do you remember?"

For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.

Alsoo this is all so far. I've never done anything of this sort before. Writing, yes, but FanFic... not so much. I've been really bored this summer and this kind of popped into my head. I'm DYING for season 4 and so... yeah. Anyway. Any advice for a new comer? Thanks. Hope you enjoy. I'll try to update soon if anyone likes it.

Thank :)

M


	2. Chapter 2

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**I've never done anything of this sort before. Writing, yes, but FanFic... not so much. I've been really bored this summer and this kind of popped into my head. I'm DYING for season 4 and so... yeah. Anyway. Any advice for a new comer? Thanks. Hope you enjoy. I'll try to update soon if anyone likes it. Reviews? Critiques? **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 2

Good God, we were starting with that? Come on, Castle, give me a minute to breathe! "Um… not much," I lied, "I remember you diving on me and then hearing something about Lanie. And then… nothing."

He looked somewhere between crestfallen and relieved, "Oh."

"Yeah…"

We were quiet again. I studied him more. His hair looked like it hadn't been combed in a couple of days. His light green t-shirt was wrinkled as were his faded jeans and the stubble on his face looked a tiny bit gray in places. There were deep circles under his eyes and his shoulders were slumped. This was not the overly confident, loud author that I'd grown to know and… well you get the picture. He was a broken man.

"Castle?" I squeezed his hand and he turned to me, tired blue eyes expectant.

Instantly I felt bad for lying to him about what I remembered. He deserved to know that I'd heard him. That I … what? Did I feel the same way? The Lanie part of my brain screamed _Yes! Katherine Beckett, don't you dare pretend that you don't love that boy any less than he loves you._ But the rest of me wouldn't let that come out of my mouth. Three simple, little, terrifying words. I had to tell him I was lying.

What came out of my mouth was, "You didn't have to stay. You should have gone home. Alexis needed you, I'm sure."

Castle broke into a laugh at that and my guilt dropped a couple of notches. It was a warm familiar noise. Hearing it made the situation less foreign.

"Alexis told me to stay here. I believe her exact words were, 'Dad if you leave her I swear I will show Ryan and Esposito your collection of vintage Barbies,' and then I told her that that was her collection and she said the boys didn't have to know that."

I started to laugh but stopped instantly as pain shot through my chest, 'Oh don't make me laugh Castle."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" his hands fluttered over me, unsure of what to do, where to touch me.

"It's fine," I gasped, grabbing his hand again, "Calm down." I settled back and the pain lessened.

"Are you sure? I can-"

"I'm fine, Castle." I squeezed his fingers and smirked up at him, "So you have a Barbie collection?"

Castle laughed and the room seemed to warm up several degrees, "I knew if I told you that, you'd give me hell!"

I tried not to laugh again, "Yeah well. You wouldn't want it any other way."

He smiled, serious again, "True enough."

I was about to say more when the door opened. A wave of my favorite people crashed into the tiny room. Esposito, Ryan, Lanie, Martha, Alexis and even Jenny.

"Hey girl." Lanie slipped her hand away from Esposito and ran the last few steps to my bed. Her arms wound around my neck in a gentle hug.

"Hey, Lanie," I smiled against her shoulder as I wrapped my free arm around her back.

"You gave us quite the scare there," She whispered and as she did her voice shook.

"I'm okay now. I promise" I squeezed her lightly and she pulled back scratching her nose to hide the fact that she was wiping away a tear. My heart twisted watching my best friend. She was usually so strong, it was foreign to see her so emotional. It was my fault. I'm sorry Lanie, I screamed in my mind.

"Hey, boss." Esposito leaned down and kissed my cheek.

"You're gonna have one badass scar," Ryan joked feebly, kissing my cheek like his partner.

"You know it." I grimaced, "That way I'll look even more badass than the two of you."

The boys smiled at each other and shook their heads. Jenny hugged me lightly as Lanie had then returned to Ryan's side, wrapping her hand around his. Lanie leaned her head against Esposito's shoulder and he kissed the top of her head.

Martha came to my bedside next, "Hey kiddo. You're looking better. Maybe now Richard will come home and shave."

"I don't know, Mother," Castle interjected, "I'm kind of digging the facial hair. Makes me more rugged. What do you think, Beckett?"

I giggled and rolled my eyes, "What ever you say Castle."

"Finally! I've been three years to hear you say that."

"Yeah well, chalk it up to the pain meds," I groaned as Alexis sat down next to my knee.

"I'm so glad you're awake Detective Beckett," she grabbed my free hand and smiled.

"Thank you Alexis," She was such a sweetie. I lowered my voice to a stage whisper, "So did you have to show the boys your dad's special collection?"

Little Castle's eyes lit up with the same mischief I'd seen in her fathers eyes so many times, "No, but I'm keeping it in reserve just in case."

"What collection?" Ryan and Esposito asked simultaneously.

"It's nothing," Castle interrupted again, and then turned to us, "Not cool girls." I coughed a laugh and winced, trying to hide it from the majority. Castle didn't miss it and squeezed my fingers gently.

I glanced around the room and found everyone staring at me. Lanie looked like she was biting the inside of her cheek. When she caught me looking at her, she flicked her eyes down to Castle's hand secure around mine and then back up to my eyes, raising an eyebrow a fraction of an inch. I rolled my eyes and jerked my head a little trying to say, _it's no big thing. But I'm sure you'll want to talk about it later. _Her look clearly replied, _DUH._

The room was way too quiet for the number of people in it. Everyone seemed to be staring at me, as if waiting for something to happen, for me to say something. Well why not.

"Why the hell is everyone looking at me like that? I'm fine. Talk to me, tell me new things. Any leads on the son of a bitch who shot me?" that seemed to jolt everyone out of their stupor. But the temperature in the room seemed to drop several degrees and I was glad of Castle's jacket thrown over me.

"Just a bullet casing. A throw away gun," Esposito growled, "We went after him but he was already in the wind."  
>"We asked everyone at the funeral if they saw something. Castle was the only one," Ryan continued, tightening his hand around Jenny's.<p>

"If he hadn't seen the reflection on the muzzle, they never would have known which way to go," Lanie chimed in.

I looked toward Castle who being uncharacteristically quiet and modest, "Thank you," I whispered, slightly embarrassed.

His reply was a thin lipped smile and a gentle squeeze of my hand.

There were several more moments of silence. The only noise came from my heart monitor and it just seemed to be getting louder and louder.

"Seriously guys, I'm fine," I lied, brushing back my emotions, ignoring the pain coursing through my body and how terrified I was to close my already heavy eyelids and tried to break the ice. I hated seeing them all so solemn, "Lighten up. Roy…" I almost faltered from the return of the non-stitches related tightness in my chest, but my bravado returned quickly enough, "Roy's gone and we can all mourn that but… life goes on. Our lives will go on. He wouldn't want us to act like this. We'll catch that guy and then everything will go back to normal," I couldn't stop the slight tremor in my voice as I finished, knowing that it wasn't true, but hoping it was ease them somewhat.

The room seemed to ring after my pronouncement and everyone looked at me incredulously.

"Beckett…" Castle started staring at me. Alexis shivered and Martha lay a comforting had on her shoulder. What had I said?

"Honey, you got shot. We all watched you get shot. Everything has change," Lanie said shuddering.

"You aren't alright, Kate," Jenny whispered.

"No. I am. I really am," I swallowed the lump that had appeared in my throat. They were right. It was my fault. I'd opened my mom's case again. I'd gotten so deeply buried in it that I hadn't cared what happened, who got hurt, as long as my mother was avenged. I had gotten Captain Montgomery killed, been unable to save him. I'd acted irrationally and said terrible things. Oh Castle. I'd been so awful to him, pushed him away as hard as I possibly could, and still he stood by me. I didn't deserve to have any of them around my bed side. I should be alone, contemplating my selfishness

Castle stood up, pulling his hand away from mine for the first time since I'd awakened. I was instantly colder actually missing the feel of his hand in mine.

"Kate… You-" he began, pacing at the foot of my bed when the doctor entered the room, carrying a chart. He paused just inside the door, taking in all our expressions, Castle pacing.

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting?" he asked, looking between me and Castle.

"No," I answered, as Castle replied at the same moment, "Yes,"

The doctor looked even more confused but shook it off quickly, "It's nice to see you awake, Detective Beckett. I am Doctor Carlson. I've been put in charge of your post-op." He was young, maybe thirty, sandy hair, brown eyes. He seemed nice enough, competent.

"Nice to meet you, Doctor," I replied, holding out the hand that Castle had recently dropped.

"And you," the doctor shook my hand and Alexis moved off my bed, slipping her hand out of mine. I felt alone, terrifyingly alone; even with my people huddled around, not ten feet away.

"So how're you feeling?" Dr. Carlson asked, looking at his chart and then the various monitors around my bed.

"Fine," I replied automatically.

"Really?" the doctor asked, not bothering to look up from his chart.

"Well," I amended, "as well as I expect I'd feel after getting shot."

"Have you noticed any seeping from your bandage?"

"Truthfully, I didn't notice I had a bandage," I lifted Castle's jacket and my blanket gingerly and checked myself out. I was unfortunately dressed in one of the threadbare, backless hospital gowns. But it seemed to be clean, no wet spots around the center of the pain in my chest.

"I don't think so," I replied after replacing the blanket and pulling Castle's jacket up more on my chest.

"That's good," Doctor Carlson finally looked away from annotating his chart and turned to me, "Well, Detective, it seems like you are in remarkable condition for someone who was shot three days ago. It will still be about five days before you can go home. We just want to continue monitoring you, just in case. When you are discharged, you'll need someone to stay with for at least three weeks, maybe four, just help you move, make sure you don't fall. After that, I don't want you back on active duty for another month and a half. Just build up your strength. Take it slow. Your only pressing issue will be to figure out which of your entourage you'll be spending three weeks with. It should be a problem for you though. They've hardly left your side."

I forced a smile at the doctor. There was no way I could burden any of them with this and I was in for a hell of a fight to get them to understand that, "Thank you, Dr. Carlson,"

"I'll be back tomorrow to check on you again. Try to rest soon." With a smile around the room, the doctor exited.

The echo of the shutting door hadn't finished reverberating off the walls before everyone was talking at once, telling me to stay with them, but I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. Something had just occurred to me. The man who shot me. When he found out I was still alive he wouldn't stop until I was dead. I could not put any of these people in any more danger. They were my family. They couldn't die for me. Couldn't even get hurt for me. It would kill me.

"Guys," I tried to yell over them, "please."

They all fell silent. I was suddenly exhausted. All I wanted was to sleep, "I don't want to talk about this now. Please. Don't worry about it. I'll figure it out later."

They all started to protest but I continued as my eyes drooped, "I'm going to go to sleep. You should all go. Go home, go to work, go to school, shave. I'm fine. I'm talking to you. I can't order all of you, but you three," I looked at Ryan, Esposito, and Castle, "Get out of here."

There was another wave of arguments but it was further off. I saw a flash of red and felt the bed near my knee sink down a little. Alexis. Her smaller hand snuck into mine and I barely heard her whisper, "Get well soon, Detective Beckett. I hoisted what I was sure was a dopey smile on my face and squeezed her hand lightly. With that, I fell back to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**My day has been spent writing. I just couldn't stop and I was free all day to do what ever I wanted so this is what happened. Sorry if I'm getting annoying, I just figured this would be one of the last chances I had to update for a bit so, why not take it.**

**This is more fun than I ever anticipated it'd be haha. Although, I'm still trying to learn the ropes. I've been trying to keep a chapter ahead of what I've posted so when school starts I'll have a little less to think about haha, but no promises. If anyone's even reading this, I hope you enjoy it. If not, well… I don't know why I'm even addressing you. Reviews? Critiques? **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 3

5 days later, I was finally being discharged. There had been tests, on my heart, my liver, my lungs, everything that could have possibly been affected. There had been sleepless nights. 3 out of the 5 nights Castle stayed with me, leaning his head on the side of my bed to sleep and on those nights I'd slept like a baby. For some reason, having him around made me feel better; but on the two nights that I convinced him to go home, sleep in a real bed, shower, shave, see his daughter… I had woken up almost every hour from nightmares. Blood. My mother. Castle. The boys. Lanie. Alexis. My Dad. All bleeding out under my hands and then screaming at me for not saving them. The nurses had tried to sedate me but it only made the dreams worse.

During the days, I had an almost constant stream of visitors. Castle was almost always there. The boys would come by after their shift, usually bringing Jenny and Lanie along. Alexis and Martha stopped by most days too, after school. My dad hardly ever left, though he'd usually vacate after I convinced Castle to go home.

I got to start eating semi solid foods, which meant coffee which I was relieved about. One day they even gave me applesauce and though I'd never been a huge fan, it was ridiculous how happy I was to have it.

There were poker games, movies, reading books. Every second people were there, we were doing something. After the third consecutive day of this though, I got the feeling that they were trying to distract me, wear me out, keep me busy. What didn't they want me to know?

It was this that I was pondering when Castle came in my room on the morning of my discharge. After I had fallen asleep on the first night, there had, apparently, been an uproarious argument about where I'd stay. The boys said their houses so they could protect me. My dad said his house because he was my father. Lanie said her's because she was my best friend and knew me best. But Castle beat them all out, damn him. eHe said, because his house was the biggest and he could work from home, I should stay with him. From what I'd heard, they had all fought him for a while, but in the end, they all agreed that that was where I'd be staying. Not that I got asked for my opinion, but then, it was better than the hospital.

"Good morning, my dear detective," Castle intoned, crossing my room in three strides and handing me a cup of coffee. He looked better, closer to his normal self. He'd finally shaved and combed out his hair. The dark circles under his eyes had faded a bit, not as much as I'd hoped, but there was more of a spring in his step. He was dressed his usual dark dress pants again but he was still wearing a t-shirt and a zip up hoodie. It was different from what I was used to but I liked it.

"Hey Castle," I winced, after reaching for the coffee with the wrong hand and trying to sit up at the same time.

He put a hand on my back and helped me sit. I hated how helpless I was, needing help just to sit up. Everything hurt all the time and I was sure I'd snapped at Castle more than once for trying to help me but he didn't seem to be taking it too personally.

"Thanks," I mumbled, taking a sip of the coffee and barely suppressing a moan of contentment. God I missed food.

"So are you ready?" Castle asked, sitting down in his usual chair.

"For what, to be your captive for three weeks?" I asked, some what grumpily. I wasn't ungrateful; I was just tired, and worried. The dreams the night before had been horrid. The main players were Lockwood, Roy, my mother, Castle, and even Alexis (who had come by to see me almost every day) had made an appearance. I'd convinced Castle to go home the past two nights, but I had a feeling that the nurses had snitched on me to Castle because both days he came in much earlier than usual. I shook my shelf, driving away the feelings that I wanted to verbalize, the desire for him to pull me against his chest.

As usual, Castle ignored my tone for the most part and continued, "Four weeks, Beckett. And not captive. Roomie,"

"I am not staying in the same room as you," I stated and Castle laughed again.

"Understood. But you will be taking my room."

"What? Why can't I stay in the guest room like last time?"

"Do you really think you can climb those stairs?"

I silently cursed his house. Damn those stairs. Damn my weakness. Damn the whole shitty situation.

"Come on, Kate. Let me help. Just for a little while. Then you'll be back to ordering me around in no time."

I sighed as he turned his puppy dog, blue eyes one me and I melted a little. Inside of course, "Okay… thank you, Castle."

He smiled at me and I couldn't help smiling back. A sudden warmth made me glance down. We had wound our hands together without either of us noticing. Castle saw me looking and started to pull his hand away, muttering, "Sorry." But I held on tighter. I liked feeling that closeness. I needed it after last night.

"No. It's okay." The smile on Castle's face was enough for me to feel good about my decision. He shifted over a little and pressed his hand more securely to mine.

He really had been great to me. He'd had Lanie bring me clothes and gave me coffee whenever I wanted it. He talked me down when I got angry. He never brought up Josh. He tried to keep me happy. God, why couldn't I just let go and let him in?

I had fallen asleep every night, whether he was here or not, wishing my mom could meet him. They would have had a blast, talking about books and … whatever the hell else popped into their brains. Flowers, movies, raising teenage daughters. I ran scenarios in my head where they talked for hours and I watched. They would have hit it off so well. I think that was why I had such trouble with my dreams. I usually steered clear of thinking about my mom before I went to sleep, but I thought I'd be okay. I was only really okay when Castle was there though.

"Castle, are you absolutely sure about this?" I asked, still nervous about everything that was about to go down, "I mean, this is going to be a huge hassle for you and I'm sure I'll be inconveniencing Alexis and-"

Castle cut me off quickly, "Kate. I'm positive. There's no way you are staying alone. It's the best place for you. I can make sure you're okay and write at the same time. Mother and Alexis want you there. They feel the same way. You're important to us. We want you there." He was staring intently into my eyes. After a few moments I turned away.

"Okay. Thank you."

Castle opened his mouth to respond but my door opened and Dr. Carlson entered.

"Good morning, Detective, I see you're dressed and ready to go." If 'dressed and ready to go' meant sweat pants, one of Castle's zip up hoodies over one of my button up shirts, flats, then yeah. Sure. I just wanted to get away from this damn hospital.

"Yes." I replied, already anxious to get away.

"Alright. We've taught you how to change your bandage. Minimal movement for the first week and a half. You have a schedule for your medicine and all your prescriptions. Your discharge papers have been signed and you've got Mr. Castle here to take you with him. You are free to go. I'll have Nurse Adams bring you a wheelchair," Carlson saw me opening my mouth in protest. Walking hurt like hell and took me ages to go eight feet, but it was so much less humiliating than a wheelchair. Carlson interrupted my train of thought, "I know you don't want to use it, but it's hospital protocol."

I clamped my mouth shut and wrinkled my nose in consent. The doctor laughed and extended a hand to me, "It was nice to meet you Detective, I hope we never meet again."

"You and me both, Doc." I shook his hand and he left.

"Are we going to stop by my place and pick up some stuff before we go to your's?" I asked, hoping I'd at least get a little bit of dignity in picking out my own stuff.

Castle shook his head, suddenly looking a lot more anxious, "I had Lanie pick some stuff up for you a couple of days ago. It's already in my room at the loft."

I sighed and bit back the diatribe of irritated comments that came to my lips, "Okay. Thanks."

Castle nodded, watching he door distractedly.

"What's up? Why're you so antsy?" I tugged his hand lightly and he glanced at me.

"Nothing, just ready to get you out of here."

"Um… okay?" I shook my head. What was with him?

The door opened but it wasn't Nurse Adams like I expected pushing a wheelchair. It was Ryan and Esposito. Esposito was pushing the chair and a very guilty looking Ryan was carrying two Kevlar vest. They were both wearing one.

"Okay, what's with the vests?" I sat up slowly, dropping Castle's hand and throwing my legs over the side of the bed, hissing at the discomfort in my chest.

Esposito parked the wheelchair and Ryan tossed a vest to Castle, "Come on Beckett," Esposito tried to hand me the vest he'd taken from Ryan but I crossed my arms lightly and raised an eyebrow.

Castle sighed, "Guys, can you give us a minute?"

The boys seemed reluctant but nodded, "We'll be right outside."

"Castle, what the hell is going on?" I all but shouted, before the door had even closed. I tried to turn in the bed to look at him but it hurt too much so I just turned my head and watched as he came around the foot of the bed.

"Kate," he knelt in front of me and grabbed both of my hands. I pulled away for once but he held on tight, looking me in the eye, "You got shot. By now the person who shot you knows that you are still alive. You are the only one left living that's attached to this case. He will do anything to kill you."

My heart dropped. This is what they'd been distracting me from. And in my drug induced haze, I'd let it happen. I wanted to fight this. Being out of the loop was crap. But something far more pressing occurred to me, "Rick," I squeezed his hands, "I am not going to your house. I'm not putting Alexis and Martha and you in that kind of danger. It's not fair to them. Or you. This isn't their fight"

"Yes you are. You're coming home with me. I've…" he trailed off, trying to gauge my reaction, "I've got security. All over. The boys are coming as far as my loft and then we've got around the clock people watching your father, my place, Mother's school, Alexis' school, the precinct, Lanie, everyone. We're all safe. You are the one everyone is worried about."

"Richard Castle, do you realize how much this is going to affect your daughter?" On top of almost taking the girl's father from her, I was ruining her last summer and complicating her life, putting her in danger.

"Yes, Kate, we have talked about it, a lot actually," he sounded hurt that I'd think him so incompetent, "and we agreed as a family, you're worth it."

I pressed my lips together and looked away. I knew it meant defeat. There was so much more to talk about and we would later but there wasn't time now.

Castle knew he had won. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it gently, "Everyone's going to be fine. I promise."

I nodded, still silently freaking out. I picked the hair tie off my wrist and turned my head, trying to pull back my hair without raising my arms too much, but it was impossible.

"I'll do it," Castle took the hair tie from me and walked around the bed behind me. I closed my eyes as his fingers ran gently through my messy hair , pulling it up into a ponytail. My breath caught momentarily as his fingers curled the baby hairs at the base of my neck into the ponytail.

"All done," he said, letting my bound hair fall across my back.

"Thanks," I muttered, eyeing the vest on the bed next to me. It wasn't my usual one. It didn't have COP written across it but then, Castle's didn't have WRITER on it either. These were plain black. They had probably opted for more discreet vests.

"Alright," Castle came back around the bed to stand in front of me, "I know this isn't going to feel good, but the doctors said your stitches and ribs have healed enough to strap this on for as long as it takes to get home." He picked up the vest and held it out to me. I raised my left arm, as high as I could (it didn't hurt nearly as bad as lifting the right one). Castle settled it over my head and arm and placed it on my shoulders. It wasn't painful until he was Velcro-ing it around my right side, causing the vest to be flush with my chest.

I bit my lip to keep from gasping in pain. It didn't get past Castle though, "I'm sorry. It's just for about twenty minutes then you can take it off."

"Okay." I gasped. The pain receded enough to take semi regular breaths and I glanced up at Castle. He was watching me with an expression of mixed pain and worry. I reached up with my left arm and slugged him as well as I could.

"Hey. Let's get going," I muttered with as much bravado as I could muster. He smiled and held out his hands to me. I grabbed his forearms and together, we got me off of the bed.

"Doin' good, Beckett."

"Castle hush." I snapped, without really intending to. My legs were slightly shaky even though I'd been walking around for the past three days. And poor Castle, I was giving him emotional whiplash. He was trying supportive. Why was I being such a bitch to him? Why was I so damn guarded!

"Sorry," I mumbled taking a few, tiny, tottering steps to the wheel chair.

"Don't worry about it, KB," he replied, slowly turning us so I could sink into the chair. I winced, trying to settle myself in a less painful position, but there wasn't much to be done. I plucked at the front of my vest trying to get it away from my chest but it only made it fall back against me, aggravating my injury even more. Without thinking, I reached out and grabbed Castle's hand, weaving our fingers together.

We paused for several moments in silence and I again, contemplated telling him that I remembered but now wasn't the time. There wasn't any time. We had to get moving, but for some ridiculous reason, I was scared again. Scared for Castle and his family, scared for my boys, scared for Lanie, my dad, Roy's family, everyone who was in contact with me. If anyone got hurt because of this, it would be my fault.

My breathing sped up and I clutched Castle's hand as the panic twisted my chest into agonizing knots, in equal parts from my GSW and the fear. What had happened to Badass Kate Beckett, afraid of no man?

Castle knelt down in from of my chair, placing a hand on each arm rest. Heat radiated off his chest and rolled over me. I fought the urge to shiver at our proximity, at the heat he was providing.

"Kate," He waited until I pulled my eyes up from my lap to look him in the eye. When I did, the blue iris were serious, concerned, something I was all too used to seeing in his eyes lately. Underneath the hardness though, there was, as always, an undertone of warmth and caring.

"We're gonna be fine. Everybody is going to be okay. We're gonna catch that son of a bitch. You'll be safe. I promise. I'll be with you the whole way." As the last words fell from his lips, I started to calm down. The combination of his warmth, the feel of his breath on my cheeks, the smell of his cologne that I'd come to crave when he wasn't around, his words, his promises all seemed to slow my heart rate and ease the worry in my chest.

I took a deep breath and nodded, not breaking our eye contact. His eyes softened a little and a small measure of the worry trickled away.

"Good girl," he murmured, kissing the side of my head and then standing, "Here we go."

"Thank you, Rick

"Always," I bit back a small smile as he said it. Always. How could there be so much meaning in a tiny, two syllable word. It was a promise, a fact, a security blanket, a verbal hug every time he said it.

By the time we were in the hallway, Ryan and Esposito flanking us, I was more or less back to my usual self.

"Took you long enough, Boss," Esposito quipped as we hurried down the hall, but his voice was strained, tense.

"Yeah, well, let's shoot you in the chest and see how fast you move, Esposito," I shot back, earning a bark of laughter from Castle and Ryan and even a smile from Esposito.


	4. Chapter 4

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**School. Blech. It really cuts into my writing time… haha so here's part four. A little angst, a little humor. It feels kinda short, but I hope you like it! I have found that I absolutely adore reviews or comments or whatever they're called. So, if you have time, maybe drop me a quick one? Tell me what you liked, what you didn't, any questions if you have some, what you want to see happen, if I got anything wrong (I am so sorry if I did so, please do tell me). Anything, criticism (nothing too mean?), questions, ideas, whatever. I like feedback. Hope you enjoy :) **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 4

The 20 minute drive to Castle's loft was arduous, tense and almost completely silent. After wheeling the chair out of the side door of the hospital, I (wheelchair and all) was loaded into the back of a plain white van. Esposito and Ryan leapt into the front seat while Castle clambered into the back with me, securing the wheels into grooves in the floor.

"Martinez is on the move," Esposito told Ryan, who was driving, after nodding at a black Prius that was passing us, "Let's roll."

Ryan pulled out of his spot in a less than gentle manner, and I whipped back against the backrest of my wheel chair. As the vest slapped against my chest I wanted to scream. My chest protested to every breath and my hands automatically clenched against my thighs.

"Careful, Ryan," Castle yelled from my side, "This isn't a chase. You got someone injured back here." He sounded kind of mad.

I shook my head at him and rasped, "It's fine, I'm fine. It was just a surprise."

Ryan glanced in the rearview mirror and I tried to arrange my features into a passive expression, "Sorry Beckett," his voice was strained and his partner had a hand resting on the butt of his gun, "Just trying to get out of here."

"I'm fine, just go." I grunted. Castle reached over and grabbed my hand. I squeezed his fingers hard and he gripped my hand back, rubbing a thumb over my knuckles.

"I know," he whispered, "Almost there."

New York traffic was crazy slow as usual but we wove in and out of lanes, bypassing a lot of the lines some how. Esposito kept up a constant monologue, quietly keeping Ryan apprised of our position and things to watch for. They were so tense. There was none of the usual joking or jibbing that I was used to when Castle and the boys were together. They were all nervous, taking in every tiny detail. I supposed that if the situation were reversed, and one of them was sitting in the wheelchair with the GSW to the chest, I'd be acting the same way… maybe even worse. I was grateful for how much they cared. Ryan and Esposito had become like my brothers over the years of working with them.

As soon as we pulled up to Castle's building, Rick was unclipping the wheels of the chair from the floor. The boys threw open the door and they three of them lowered me to the street. Ryan and Esposito actually had their guns drawn as Castle wheeled me into the lobby, Esposito in front, Ryan covering our backs.

The lobby was empty as we hurried through it to the elevator. Only when the door had closed and we were ascending to the loft, did they relax their stances and holster their weapons.

Suddenly, for some reason, and completely without my consent, a giggle bubbled between my lips. The other three stared at me, confused.

"What's funny?" Esposito asked.

"Nothing," I chuckled, swallowing my laugher, "Nothing about this whole

situation is funny. But, for about twenty minutes there, I felt like a mob boss or the object of a sting operation." I cracked up again, not caring that my chest was throbbing. I didn't know why it cracking me up. We were in a ridiculously serious situation where a mistake on anyone's part could end up with someone in my position or worse, but I couldn't stop laughing.

The boys all looked at each other and then started to chuckle. The whole elevator ride was spent in a fit of almost psychotic laughter. It was incredulous and full of pain, but the sound of mirth that echoed off of the elevator's walls made me feel like, eventually we'd bet back to normal. Right now, laughing was the only think keeping us from breaking.

When the elevator chimed, signaling that we'd reached Castle's floor, the laughter had been pretty much controlled. We were all still wiping tears of laughter from our eyes, but the air of seriousness had returned. Four people dressed in painfully plain clothes were all milling around. As we exited the elevator car, they nodded at us.

"Security?" I whispered to Castle, studying each of them in turn. Non-descript males, from twenty to fifty. Average in almost every way.

"They won't all be here all the time. Usually just one or two at a time. I figured since you were coming home today, I should have a little extra." It sounded funny; him saying "coming home," when referring to me arriving to his apartment, but kind of nice. I liked the ring of us arriving somewhere together. I was too tired to berate myself for my less than controlled emotional thoughts. It was something to worry about later.

Castle handed his keys over to Ryan, who unlocked the door and went in first, hand on his gun again, Esposito followed us in ready to leap into action, but all was calm. Although I don't know how they expected someone to get past their security. It was pretty tight from what I could tell. There were guys across the street, the guys in the Prius who had made the block after we'd arrived. It was a serious operation.

"Home sweet home," sighed Castle, looking fondly around the spacious, modern living room.

There was a clattering on the stairs and we all whirled to find… Martha Rogers making her way down the stairs, clutching her keys and swearing.

"Oh hello, my dears." She called when she found that she had an audience, "Kate, darling it's lovely to see you out of the hospital," She leaned over and kissed my cheek before continuing to the front door, "I'm so sorry to run but if I don't hurry, my class on reactions on the stage will be there already and I really hate when they start without me." With a wave and a flash of red, she was gone.

Castle laughed lightly as he pushed the wheelchair over to the couch, "And there went hurricane Martha," the boys laughed with him as Castle took my hands and helped me stand.

"Can you stand on your own while I take this vest off you?" he asked, still holding onto my arms.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," I replied, scooting my feet a little further apart to keep stable. Cautiously, Castle let go of my arms and unstrapped the Velcro from the Kevlar vest. As soon as the pressure was released, I felt a hundred times better.

"Arm up," He said, gathering the tops of the vest in his hands. I did as I was told and he gently tugged it off over my head.

"Oh, thank you," I sighed, sinking down onto his couch. My legs felt like jelly, just from standing on my own for that long. Weak. Ridiculously weak. This was going to get really old, really fast.

Ryan and Esposito hadn't moved any further into the house. Castle tugged off his own vest and sat down next to me, calling over to them, "You guys wanna stay for a while; we can order in some lunch, I've got a list." I found myself hoping that they would. I missed having them around all the time but from the look they exchanged I knew that they couldn't.

"Sorry, Castle, we gotta go." Esposito jerked a thumb over his shoulder indeterminately.

"Yeah, but we'll come by later this week to check up on you guys," Ryan said and I couldn't' tell if he was making some kind of innuendo but if he was I decided to let it slide for now.

"Bye," they chorused together and started to turn when I called out.

"Wait." They froze, Esposito's hand on the door, "Turn around. I want you guys to look at me when I tell you this." I heard them sigh as they turned. They were tense, waiting for me to lay into them? Why would I though? Was I really that much of a hardass?

"First. Thank you. You guys… you're the best. You've… Just thank you." they smiled and I knew I'd gotten off on the right foot, "And second. For the love of God, be careful. I don't want anything happening to you two. Especially not on my account. So watch your backs, wear vests, and take care of the girls. Don't be stupid."

"You worry too much, Beckett," Esposito said callously, starting to turn away.

"Yeah, we'll be fine. Rest up, now." Ryan added, following suit.

"Guys, I'm serious," there were knots in my stomach again watching them go out the door in to the dangerous world.

They turned to face me again, serious for once, "Really, Boss, we'll be fine. We got this. We're gonna catch this bastard. And while we do that, you get yourself better and ready to come back."

I sighed and studied them. Esposito, always so sassy and battle hardened from his time in Special Forces, Ryan, a little softer but just as good a cop, sweet and brave. They could not get hurt because of this. For me, for themselves, for Lanie and Jenny. They had to be careful. Sometimes they were too cocky for their own good.

"Alright. Get out of here." They both flashed me one last smile before they were out the door.

The loft was eerily quiet without them. Castle patted my arm, "They'll be okay."

"I hope." I mumbled.

He squeezed my shoulder and then stood up, "I'm so sorry, we just got here and all, but I just realized that we don't have your prescriptions or any food that the doctors said it would be okay for you to eat, so I need to run to the store. I'll be as quick as I can. Any requests?"

"Um. Coffee."

"Besides Coffee," Castle rolled his eyes.

"Noodles?"

"Sure thing." Castle grabbed his keys from where Ryan had dropped them and then came over and laid his hand on my head.

"Do you need anything before I leave? Water? Bathroom? A massage therapist?"

I giggled, batting him away gently, "I'll be fine, Castle."

"Okay. I'll be super fast. Alexis might get home before me though. Don't let her bug you," he called from the door.

"As if your daughter could ever bug anybody, much less me." I scoffed.

"True. I just wanted to see how it sounded."

"And?"

"I didn't like it. I'm glad I don't ever have to say it."

I laughed and Castle shut the door.

Being alone in the loft was nice for about three seconds before I started thinking. So many things were chasing each other around my head. Castle and what he'd said to me, my feelings for him, the shooter, worrying about my boys, my mom's case, how my dad was dealing. I was responsible for all of it and I hated how much trouble I was causing.

My feelings for Castle kept circling everything, finding a way to wriggle into everything I thought about. If I was going to be completely honest with myself, of course I felt the same way he did. I felt better every time he was around. He was like fire after a snowball fight. He thawed me out. He stuck by me through everything, through my tantrums and bad days and yelling at him and dangerous cases. He'd saved my life, almost gotten killed a couple of time because of it, and he made me … feel more alive. More like myself. I almost always wished he was with me, where ever I was. Even when I had been with Josh, some small part of me was wishing that it was Castle in his place.

I didn't know why it was so hard to admit it to myself. I was too guarded. My

walls were too thick, too high. He'd been making cracks in them for sure and he knew more about me than any other person except my dad. So how come this was so hard?

_Well, _growled the mean Beckett that lived just beside my ear_, he did run off with Gina. He left you for an entire summer. He didn't call, he didn't text. But it was just you. He talked to everyone else. How much can he love you if he did that?_

_ Things change though_, murmured the voice that resided closest to my heart, _people change, situations change. He loves you now, that's all that matters. Besides, he thought you were with Demmings then. And you never gave him a straight answer anyway. It's not totally his fault. _

The voices kept up a continual fight, sniping back and forth, for and against Castle. In the end, I just stopped thinking about the whole situation. I was just going to get myself into a fury, trying to figure out emotions that I was (again, I was trying to be honest with myself) scared of. Besides, I was the queen of avoidance, why change that now?

Instead I started thinking about the case. There was something we'd missed, clearly and it was the thread that held the entire case together. If I could just figure that part out, then, everything would fall into place and all the deaths would be avenged.

I was going over all the details I could remember for the third time when the door opened. I turned, expecting Richard Castle carrying bags of supplies, making a comment on how I was sitting alone in his apartment. What I got was Alexis.

She came in and paused, seeing me sitting on the couch, "Oh," her voice was thick and she quickly looked away from me, trying to discreetly wipe her face, "Hey Detective Beckett, I didn't realize you'd be here."

"Alexis what's wrong?" I struggled to stand up and then leaned heavily on the arm of the couch.

She shook her head, mane of red hair flowing around her tear stained face, locking her arms over her chest.

"Lex, come on talk to me. What happened?" I was really starting to worry. She was a tough cookie and seeing her cry like this was giving me cause to worry. I wanted so badly to walk over and hug her, get her to talk to me, but standing was the best I could do.

"R-really," she choked out, "I'm fine. Just…" She started to walk away and I knew I had to talk to her.

"Alexis Castle, I can't move much farther than this, but I know something is wrong. Please. Talk to me. I can help."

Alexis froze, one foot on the bottom most stair. My heart stopped, waiting for her to turn and yell at me or else just charge up to her room. Instead, after what felt like years of deliberation, she slowly removed her foot and came to stand by me. As soon as she reached my side, we both sat and she burst into tears all over again.


	5. Chapter 5

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**Well the continuation of the last chapter is now here. It's kind of a filler. I mean important stuff is discussed but the couple of chapters after it will be pretty… not filler? Haha anyway I have found that I absolutely adore reviews or comments or whatever they're called. So, if you have time, maybe drop me a quick one? Tell me what you liked, what you didn't, any questions if you have some, what you want to see happen, if I got anything wrong (I am so sorry if I did so, please do tell me). Anything, criticism (nothing too mean?), questions, ideas, whatever. I like feedback. Hope you enjoy :) **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 5

As gently as I could, I pulled Alexis' head into my lap. She curled up and pressed her face against my leg, still sobbing.

"Shhh," I whispered, running my fingers through her long, red hair. It was what my mother had done whenever I came home in tears. But other than doing that, I was completely lost. What had happened to her? Was someone hurt, dead? No. she would have told me right off it that was the case… right? "It's alright, Lex, shhh." She shuddered and I thought she was going to cry herself to pieces and all I'd be left holding were crumbs of the once sweet girl. At the very least, I though she was going to be sick. The sobs were wracking her shoulders, causing her to rock back and forth.

Alexis fumbled for my hand and held onto it tight. I gripped it back and switched the hand in her hair. I lifted our clasped hands and carefully wiped the tears from her cheeks. It took several minutes of shushing and trying to soothe her, but finally, her sobs quieted and she stopped shaking quite so violently. In fact, she was so still, that I wondered if she'd fallen asleep.

"Alexis," I whispered, still combing my fingers through her soft hair, "You awake?"

She sniffled but nodded.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" I hated seeing Little Castle so broken into pieces. She was too young to be in that much pain.

"Everything," she choked out, "Everything is wrong. The captain died and you got shot at his funeral right in front of us. You're still hurt and the guy who hurt you is still out there," Her voice was rising, "Security is everywhere and Dad's really worried and Gram's really worried so I'm really worried. I've been okay with all of this but Ashleigh and I just got in a fight. He said I was closing him out and I said I didn't know how to talk about it and then he said I just open my mouth and tell him what was wrong that it shouldn't be so hard and I don't' know. It escalated from there and I just…. Left and then when I saw the guys at the door, it got more real and I…" she trailed off into a ringing silence. All of that, everything that was my fault, had caused the seventeen year old daughter of the man I (might. Oh hell I loved him, but I couldn't admit it) cared very deeply about, who was my best friend, to weep and curl up in my lap. The guilt nearly swallowed me whole. Who was I to destroy her life like this?

"Alexis," I didn't know where to start, I swallowed the lump in my throat and began again, "First of all, I am so sorry. I caused all of this and I never, in a million years, wanted you to feel all of this. For that I am so deeply sorry," She started to speak but I plowed on, "Second, if I'm going to be honest with you, I think your father may be over reacting just a little bit. He's trying to protect everyone and doesn't realize that it's more worrying than comforting. But what can we do, he is who he is." Alexis hiccupped a laugh and nodded against my leg again.

"But finally, and very importantly, you have to talk to Ashleigh. He loves you and you can't just shut him out when you're freaking out, or don't want to trouble him or worry him," I was being ridiculously hypocritical but that wasn't the point of what I was saying, "It's not healthy, for you, for the relationship, but to make it healthy again, You both have to talk it out. Let him in." Not that I would know. I came to the sudden realization that the only relationship I'd ever been in that even resembled what I was telling her, was the one I was in with her father and even that was sporadic.

There was silence again. My fingers were still brushing absently through her hair. She seemed to be breathing easier and she had slacked her grip on my hand slightly. All I could think was, _I can't let her become me._ Blocking out Ashleigh was just the beginning. If she lost her father or something happened to her and it was my fault, besides never forgiving myself, I would do my damnedest to keep her as close to normal as I possibly could.

Although, if I had any control over the future, there was no way in hell that Castle was going to die of anything other than natural causes. The sudden thought of my Richard Castle, (my brain automatically added the 'my'. I did claim him. He was _my_ best friend, _my_ tag along) dead, silent, sickly pale, and icy cold sucked the air from my chest. I honestly couldn't imagine Castle, exuberant, obnoxious, loud as he was, not being in my life, nosing around in my past and personal business, messing with the guys, following me every where. And it scared me to death how much I needed him around.

"Detective Beckett?" Alexis sounded so young, her voice drifting up through my muddled thoughts and I felt sheepish, as if she'd caught me in some embarrassing act, even though the monologue had all been in my head.

I tore my mind, somewhat relievedly, away from Castle and my realization of how much I relied on him, "Yeah?" I cursed the quiver in my voice.

"Can I say something and not offend you?" her voice had dropped to almost a whisper.

"Of course," I replied, robotically.

"I hate that my dad tags along with you," she mumbled, "I'm happy he met you and started the new books and all, but I hate how much I worry. I hate how much trouble and danger he gets into."

I smiled sadly, though the girl couldn't see it, "You know what?" I didn't wait for her to respond, "I don't like it when he comes along either."

Alexis sat up and looked confused, almost hurt, "But I thought-"

"Oh, no, sweetie," she had gotten the completely wrong idea, "I am so glad that he somehow blundered his way into my life. But every time we go out in the field I worry about him. If he got hurt…" I trailed off, my mind somehow finding its way back to that dark place without Castle.

"Really?" Alexis squeezed my hand.

"Yeah," I snapped sharply back to reality, "I've been trying, for a couple of months now, to figure out how to get him to stop. I don't want him to come back with me this time." I sighed sadly, thinking about the precinct without Castle, without the coffee he brought me every day, without him playing Angry Birds in the seat next to my desk, without him, Esposito, and Ryan hazing each other.

"You'll miss him if he doesn't go back though?" She asked.

"Yeah. He's really helpful. His hair-brained theories have actually panned out a couple times. And he makes the job a little easier. Lightens the mood and all. The boys'll miss him too, but they'll be okay. As long as he's safe, I think that's all we all care about. We'll figure out a way to get him out of there…" But I was already missing him being around everyday.

After seeing the look on Alexis' face however, the ache in my heart eased a bit, "Really?"

"Yeah. Of course. I want you both to be safe and I want you not to worry too much. You're too young for that kind of thing." I squeezed her hand lightly but she threw her arms around my neck.

"Thank you so much, Detective Beckett." I wrapped my arms gently around her and hugged her back.

"Of course, Alexis. You can always talk to me."

"Thank you," She said again, pulling back and smiling a little.

"And another thing I've been meaning to tell you."

"What?" She looked nervous.

"You can call me Kate."

Alexis smiled, "Um, okay.."

"I mean, I'll be here for a while and 'Detective Beckett' is kind of a mouthful. I'm not even really a detective right now. Like I said I've been meaning to tell you that for a while now, so …"

"Alright then, Kate," I smiled hearing her use my first name. I liked it. It sounded like we were friends.

Alexis sat back and dug the remote between the couch cushions, "Do you want to watch something?"

"Sure."

The screen bloomed to life to show a cheetah chasing a baby gazelle. Alexis quickly changed the channel before we could find out the fate of the poor thing, "Any preferences?"

I shook my head, "Whatever you want."

She settled on an older episode of Bones and laid her head on my shoulder as we started to watch. I smiled at the weight but suddenly she gasped and jumped away from me.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" She looked stricken.

"What?" I hadn't even considered my injury through out the whole crying fiasco. It didn't feel any worse than usual though, "Oh no, sweetie, you're fine." I motioned her back over.

Alexis leaned against me again, more cautiously this time, "Are you sure?"

"My chest twinged a bit as I shifted to accommodate her, but not nearly enough for me to want her to move, "Absolutely."

During the episode (which we really weren't paying much attention to, but it was nice to have some background noise), Alexis and I talked about everything. Actors, boys, college, abroad programs. She was still seriously considering going to France for a year abroad, but she still won't sure about how her dad would feel about it, in light of recent happenings and especially since she was going off to Stanford early. I told her that I still highly recommended it and that in any case, Castle would probably go visit her while she was there anyway. After that, she was much less nervous.

I absolutely loved talking to her. She was so enthusiastic about everything and so interested in everything and just…. High on life. It was so refreshing after working day in and day out with serious people, sucked nearly dry of any child like wonder they'd had because of the tense, sad jobs they performed. Alexis was still relatively innocent but she wasn't ignorant. She was the best kid in the world. Talking to her made me forget about worrying.

I glanced at my father's old watch after the second bones episode, which we had paid almost zero attention to. 5:57. Had Castle really been gone for two and a half hours? Worry started to drip into my conscious. He had said he'd try to hurry. I was getting ridiculously antsy. I'd know if there were something wrong, right?

I must have looked like I had a twitch, checking over my shoulder every few moments, praying I'd see him walking through the door, but it remained irritatingly closed, shutting us off from the world.

"Kate?"

I snapped my head around to look at Alexis, "Hmm?" I tried to look as normal as I possibly could. I didn't need her freaking out and worrying like I was after I'd gotten her calmed down.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom really quick. Do you need anything while I'm up?"

She was so freaking sweet, "No, thank you, Lex, I'm fine."

"Okay, I'll be right back," she stood and flitted up the stairs, barely making a sound as she went. She was so similar to her father and so different at the same time. Castle would have been making all sorts of noise as he went.

As soon as I heard the bathroom door shut, I dug my phone from my pocket, my fingers flying before it had completely cleared the lining of my sweats. It went straight to my ear.

_Please, please, PLEASE pick up Castle. I'm freaking out here. _One ring, two rings, three, four, five, six. There was an indecent amount of rings. After each, I kept expecting to hear his deep, soothing voice and instantly have all my worry washed away. I didn't care if he was saying something obnoxious like "miss me already?" or "You're ever so impatient with me," but I didn't care. I just wanted to actively speak to him, hear that he was okay, that he was on his way back.

"Hi, you've reached the phone of Richard Castle. I'm either writing or deeply invested in something else at the moment…"

"Damn it," I muttered, yanking the phone away from my ear.

"What's wrong, Kate?" Alexis had rematerialized without a sound. I whirled around and then winced as my stitches and ribs protested.

"Sorry," she cried.

"Don't worry about it. I was just calling your father to ask him to get some chocolate pudding but he didn't answer. I'll shoot him a text in a second."

"Oh, okay." She slid back down next to me.

We actually started watching Bones then. My internal monologue of worry was getting louder and louder. He'd been kidnapped. How could I have been stupid enough to let him go alone? Although I might have put him in more danger by going with him. Either way, this waiting, the not knowing was awful.

After the third episode of Bones ended I had almost convinced myself to call the boys and see if they would go look for him, track his phone, something so I would at least know and have either just cause, or no more reason to worry. I had actually pulled my phone out and was trying to figure out how to get Alexis out of the room when we heard the lock sliding in the door and it swung open.


	6. Chapter 6

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**So sorry for the long wait in between! I have had a crazy school week. But here is more! :) It's got a little of everything. I hope you like it! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Review. I really want to know what y'all are thinking. I kinda feel like I'm not really writing for anyone. Please though, if you have time, drop me a review about anything, criticism (nothing too mean?), questions, ideas, stuff you liked, whatever. I like feedback. Really, please talk to me! Hope you enjoy :) **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 6

Castle stepped into the apartment, laden down with three shopping bags. If I hadn't been watching his face as he walked in, I wouldn't have seen the quick change in his expression from haggard, serious, and nervous, to forcedly jovial and playful.

"Hello my girls," his smile didn't reach his eyes and he forced a laugh.

Even given that I was incredibly mad at him for not answering and scared of what had happened to cause him to be so late, I smiled at being included as one of 'his' girls. God I was getting pathetic.

"Hi Dad," Alexis jumped up, kissed her father on the cheek and hugged him. If I had been able to, I would have been doing the same thing. On top of being mad and scared, I was freaking relieved that he was okay. The iron bands of nerves loosened from around my lungs.

"Hey pumpkin," Castle kissed her forehead and she took two of the bags.

"Where were you?" I whispered as he came over to me. I meant for it to come out irritated, uninterested, almost blasé. What actually came out was much more meek. I sounded young and scared.

"I'll tell you later," he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of my head, leaving his lips there longer than strictly necessary and brushing a hand over my hair. His hand was shaking. I shivered as his lips touched my hair and my nerves kicked up again, feeling his hand.

Louder, for Alexis to hear, he told me, "I'll come back and help you to the kitchen after I set this stuff down."

I scowled and gritted my teeth. Not only was I out of the loop again, I hated that he had to help me do something as simple as walk to the kitchen. Castle's and Alexis' voices drifted in to me, muffled by the wall. My knee was a piston and I almost relished the ache that radiated through my torso. My lip was already ragged as my teeth continued to pluck at it. What had happened to him? It was rare to see Castle shaken and shaking. I wanted to scream. I wanted to walk in there on my own, grab the front of his shirt and demand to know what happened! Why was he so late? I got so tired of sitting with my pouncing thoughts and bouncing knee that I forced myself to my feet. The stretch of my ribs made me wrinkle my nose at the spasm.

"Look at you standing up on your own!" Castle sounded surprised as he returned to the room.

"Yeah, I'll be summiting Everest tomorrow," I growled trying to find the least painful way to breathe.

Castle shook his head, "You've done amazingly well these past few days, Kate. It's more impressive than climbing Everest."

I snorted and then instantly regretted it as fire shot across my chest. Rick started to close the distance between us, hands out stretched but I stopped him when he was a few feet away.

Slowly, very slowly I slid one foot forward and shifted my weight. It hurt but wasn't unbearable. There were only about two feet or so between us now. I clenched my teeth and hauled my other foot forward. My legs quivered. What the hell was this! I could chase suspects for blocks and barely break a sweat but now taking two unaided steps was agony. I felt Castle's hands close around mine and I all but collapsed against him.

The world was soft and warm in the few moments that my body rested against Castle's. His smell infected me and made it so that all I wanted to do was burry my face in his chest and hold him tight.

With no small amount of will power, I pushed myself away from him, using his arms as support.

"Kate," he stuttered, "You're supposed to let me help you."

"I can take two steps, Castle." I growled.

"Don't push yourself," he admonished.

I glared and dug my nails into his arm.

"Apples!" he yelped, laughing.

His expression changed suddenly after I removed my nails and he pressed his forehead to mine, "Please. Be careful."

"Two steps is being careful," I breathed back. I could barely think straight with him so close. Damn it! What had happened to all those times when he had invaded my personal bubble and all I could do was shoot back some witty insult or hit him? Now all I wanted was for him to be closer. Some how my injury made the contact okay where it wouldn't have been weeks before. It was okay but that didn't mean I was used to it. I kind of liked this change though.

He sighed and pulled away, "Kate."

"No pain, no gain. I have to push myself some," My brain started to function properly now that he had moved away.

"Not too much though," he stated as we edged toward the kitchen, "You've already been pushed farther than usual today. Too much and you'll regret it tomorrow."

I just glowered at him. I wasn't a child, I knew my limitations, knew what the consequences could be. I was not this fragile and weak. Taking tiny, aided, half steps was not who I was.

"I know you hate this," he muttered as we finally crossed into the kitchen where Alexis was stocking the fridge with what her father had purchased and tactfully ignoring us, "Please, just for a while, do things my way."

I stared up at him. His eyes were full of seriousness, pain, concern, care, and worry, blue pools of sincerity. I missed the mischief that I'd come to love and hate at the same time. It made me feel alive and it made him seem even more alive than I knew he was.

"Okay," I breathed back, giving in, but swaying, unsure whether or not to hug him. As much as I wanted to, I didn't.

"Thank you," he sighed, resting his cheek against my head. I leaned into the contact, relishing it, for a moment before pulling away. Castle put his hands gently on either side of my waist and helped me haul myself into a soft, high backed bar stool. It had recently, randomly just cropped up in the kitchen and I had a sneaking suspicion that it was added specifically for me. We'd have to have a talk about that.

I felt almost human, sitting at the bar, watching Castle and his daughter interact in their special way that they had. You'd never guess that Alexis had arrived home in tears or that Castle had returned, looking like he'd seen a ghost. They were lying to one another, hiding things to keep each other happy.

And guilt overtook me again. It came in waves and this was one of the biggest. Before me, they had had the most perfect relationship and now it was crumbling. They were lying and keeping things from one another. They were at risk. Things were tense. Everything had changed and it was all because I got too damn caught up in my mother's case to realize that what I was doing would hurt everyone around me. Lanie, my dad, the boys, Martha, Alexis, Castle. They had done everything for me and what had I done? Shut them out, yelled at them, bossed them around, thrown them out, and gotten them into danger. And I considered myself their protector.

I rested my elbows on the granite bar and hunched over to cover my face with my hands, reveling in the sharp pain across my body. It didn't feel good, but it felt like I was supposed to feel. My punishment for bringing hell upon the people I loved. God, where had my ability to compartmentalize gone?

"Kate?" A hand fell to rest on my shoulder.

My head snapped up and I stared up at Castle, grateful that I hadn't let myself break down completely. I still had a modicum of emotional control at least. The walls were still up enough.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?" God, why was he being so caring? I wanted him to yell at me, rage at me for doing this to his family, demand that I leave. I didn't deserve to have him be this sweet to me.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I hitched an almost convincing smile onto my face and I banked on Castle's distraction keeping him busy enough for him not to notice.

"Okay…" he didn't seem as convinced as I would have liked but he dropped it for the moment, sitting down at the bar stool next to me and stretching an arm across the back of my chair.

Alexis placed a final item in the vegetable crisper and closed fridge with her foot, "Alright, I've got that sorted, now I'm off to go see Ashleigh."

"Wait, I thought you just saw him." Castle still wasn't handling that his little girl had a boyfriend, much less one she loved and was going to follow out to Stanford. She was still six and completely innocent in his mind.

"Yeah, well I told him I had to come home to do some things and that I'd be back later. It's later, I'm going to go see him." She headed toward the door, throwing me a significant look that Castle didn't miss. I barely nodded and gave her a smile.

"Um… okay Sweetie, have fun, be safe." He called after her as she opened the door.

"Yeah, I know Dad. It's kind of hard not to be with… well you know." her voice dropped a little.

"Yeah. I know. Love you."

"Love you," she yelled back and the door slammed.

"What was all that about?" he asked instantly, turning to me.

"Just girl talk, Castle, don't worry about it." I knew Alexis would talk to him in her own time. It wasn't my place to tell him anything.

"Aw, come on, you know something. Tell me," he whined, sounding like a little kid. I smiled at the familiarity.

"No! It's not my place to. She'll tell you when she's ready."

"Fine," he pouted. I sighed at how easily we slipped into our usual roles.

"So…" I started, knowing it wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation for either of us, but curiosity was killing me, "What happened? Why'd it take you so long to get back?"

He sighed, barely turning away from me, "Kate. Now isn't the time. I don't know if you're ready to have this talk."

"Rick!" I almost shouted, a sudden upsurge of anger coursing through me, "Stop telling me what I am or am not ready for. I can handle this, okay. I can handle anything. I'm tired of this being-out-of-the-loop shit. I was worried! So you tell me right now!" I didn't meant for fear to creep into my voice or to tell him that I'd worried or even yell, but it had happened. I swore to myself. Get control of yourself, Beckett!

Rick sighed, running a hand through his hair, "Alright, I'm sorry," he closed his eyes and blew another breath between his lips, rubbing his hands over his face. He still looked like he hadn't slept in months. The show he'd been putting on for Alexis had crumbled quickly and he had returned to the broken man at my bedside again.

"So?" I asked. I could talk him down, be understanding, comfort him later. Right now, information was what I craved. I had to be connected with the real world as much as I possibly could.

"Okay…" Castle stared at me as if trying to figure out where to start, "I went to the little market just a couple blocks down. I walked, since it was a nice day. I had one of my guys watching me while I was out just in case. I had bought all the groceries and I was on the way to get your prescriptions filled when my guy called me and said that I was being followed," My heart dropped into the vicinity of my feet and I felt myself tense up. What had they done to him? Quickly I scanned his body, searching for injuries, physical harm, but exhaustion was the only evident problem with him. I reached for his hand and he wound our fingers together.

"So I went up to the Old Haunt to steer them away from anyone else. I don't know what the person looked like who was following me. But I was dying to get home. The thought of you and Alexis here… Writer mind. It has its drawbacks," he shuddered and I squeezed his hands. His thumb traced a pattern against the back of my hand.

"I stayed there for an hour and a half or so. My guy called again and told me that the tail had gone, but not to go straight home just to be sure. So I got the prescriptions at a drug store and walked through Central Park. When I got the all clear I came home as quickly as I could. Both his hands were shaking again. I reached over and took his other one in my free hand.

"I'm so glad you're okay.

"I could say the same."

"We weren't in any danger though. You were…"

I didn't know you weren't though; I felt sick not being with you guys. Not knowing.

"Now you know how I felt," I mumbled and then froze, surprised at myself. It was as close as I had ever come to verbalizing my feelings except in the freezer where I though I was going to die. Thankfully I'd passed out before I could say anything really damaging.

I cleared my throat in the awkward silence, "So, why was he following you?"

"Probably looking for you," his voice taughtened.

"I can't be all of it." I pressed on, ignoring his tone.

"Isn't that enough?" he shifted closer, giving me the Rick look, the one that conveyed caring and… love(?) in every glance. It was another thing that I loved and simultaneously hated about him. He gripped my hands tighter.

Again I ignored him, though it was harder that time, "There must be some evidence that we have that we're missing but they know about it…" I trailed off as Castle's body language changed. His head dropped, he tensed, and he suddenly couldn't sit still.  
>"Castle… What aren't you telling me?" I dropped his hands and drew back a little trying to get him to look me in the eye.<p>

"I…" he looked like a little kid, caught in a lie. My whole body tensed up. Castle almost always told me everything. I could only think of a handful of time when he hadn't. This must be something big.

"Castle. What happened?" I found myself slipping back into the tone I used in interrogations and by the way he flinched, he could tell.

"Okay… You know the first night you sent me away from the hospital? Well I came home and there was a package on my doorstep addressed to me. It was from the Captain."

I stared at him. My mind felt blank. He had wiped my mind blank with five words. The Captain? Roy was dead. How had he sent Castle something? _Why _would he send Castle something?  
>"What..? No. It's not possible. Roy's… Roy's dead. " I tried to say more but my mind had been completely blown.<p>

"It was postmarked the day of his death. Inside there were papers. Old case file and a letter. Stuff that had to do with your mother's murder. We know so much more now. I took it over to the boys and they've been working with it. That's when I called Jordan."

"You called Shaw?" I croaked. Files? Letters? I knew Cap had been deep in my mother's case. But deep enough have these files?

"Yes. She and Fallon are both in on it now, working things out."

He had the government involved in my mother's case. I was so in shock that I was more concerned with the information in those file than the fact that Castle had lied to me. What _was _in those files? What had my mother gotten into that was so terrible?


	7. Chapter 7

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**I am so very sorry for taking FOEVER to update! Crazy as hell week. But here's the 7****th**** chapter, the longest yet, I might add. Nothing too earth-shattering, bits of sweetness here and there. I'm not very good at writing the mystery stuff, so I'm keeping it to a minimum until later. I'll try to update again later on today or tomorrow. It's crazy how many people are favorite-ing this. I feel honored haha thanks y'all! Anyway, tell me what you're thinkin' about the story, if I got anything wrong, whatever! I really hope no one's OOC or anything. So. Here it is! Hope you enjoy :) **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 7

I slid out of my seat and clutched the counter as I tried to walk myself to the door. I had to get to the precinct, be a part of what was going on. This was _my _case. I had caused everything that had happened from it and I had to see it through now, make sure that it ended before I got anyone else killed.

"Beckett, where are you going?" Castle jumped off his chair and planted himself right in front of me, backing up with each painful step I took forward. His arms were outstretched to give me support but I ignored them.

"I have to go to the 12th. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this." I had reached the end of the counter. I was looking for somewhere else to go. The wall was about to ten feet away. If I could just get to it, I could follow it to the door and then... I'd figure it out when I got there.

"No, you don't. The precinct and the government have some of their best people on this. You are on strict orders to rest which you are not doing." He tried to take my arms and help me over to the couch but I slapped them away.

"Let me go, Castle. I can't believe you lied to me," I tried to take a step past him but my legs shook as I left the counter's support. Damn it.

"You didn't ask. I discussed this with the boys. They said it was best not to tell you. That you'd be easier to wrangle if you didn't know. They said they could handle it but I called Jordan anyway and she called Fallon. They're all working together to catch him."

"You talked to the boys? God, I'm going to kill them," Not my best choice of words but oh well, "Where's my phone?" I patted my pockets and realized that I'd left it on the couch.

"They're trying to protect you." Castle sounded desperate, trying to calm me down.

"Castle, give me your phone. I'm calling Lanie." I was seething now. He had delved into my mother's case again, sent me down the rabbit hole that I had had to claw my way out of years ago, and now when we were so close to closing it, he had kept evidence from me.

"No you're not. I already talked to her. She said to tell you that you need to sit your skinny little ass down recuperate. That they can all handle it and that if you don't stay here with me that she'll call the hospital and make arrangements for you to strapped into one of their beds and sedated until this is all over. I swear to God that's word for word what she said." In spite of the situation, Castle was grinning as he delivered Lanie's message. I didn't doubt that she'd try to do all that she'd said either.

"I don't care what Lanie said. I'll figure out some way to get there! Now move, Castle."

"No," the smile had disappeared from his face and now he looked angry, "I don't think you get it, Kate. You don't understand how close we came to losing you."

"No? Well I think the gunshot wound in my chest and my inability to do anything by my self it a pretty good indicator!" We were both yelling now and I was still clutching the corner of the counter for support.

"How do you think we would have handled it if you'd died? How do you think Lanie and the boys and Josh and your dad would have reacted?"

"And what about you, Rick?" we both froze as the words came flying out of my mouth. I was transported back to my apartment when we'd fought. When I'd said all those horrible things. When I'd tried to throw him out of my life forever. We were getting back into dangerous waters again. _I know you hide there. The same way you hide these nowhere relationships with men you don't love. _I had put off telling him about Josh for too long. No time like the present I supposed.

"I doubt it would have mattered to Josh anyway." I muttered in the silence as he opened his mouth to speak, realizing that talking about Josh would be easier than revisiting topics from that night. _We kiss and we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each others arms. So no, I've got no idea what we are._

"What?" I had effectively distracted him, hallelujah. We would talk about it… eventually. Now just wasn't the time.  
>"It wouldn't have mattered if I'd died. To Josh."<p>

"What? Why not? He's…" realization took a moment to hit Castle but when it did he stared at me in a new light, "Oh… Oh Beckett why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't important. We were in the middle of all these cases and then Roy… everything got out of hand and it wasn't all that important."

"Still you should have told me, I'm your friend." There it was. Another thing he'd told me that night that I'd been dumb enough to challenge.

"Sorry. I didn't think it'd matter." Castle opened his mouth to say more but I beat him to the punch. My legs were shaking badly and my hands were trembling too. It was such an effort to just stand there I didn't know what I would have done at the 12th. I probably would have put everyone in more danger by being there anyway. I hated being so helpless and weak but Castle was right. Again. "Okay, Castle, I'll stay here but you have to be honest with me from here on out. No more lying about the case or who's involved. You tell me everything, as soon as you know. Deal?"

He sighed and nodded, "Only if you let me take care of you. You don't fight me if you're tired or hurt, you let me do something. Deal?

I sighed. I hated this but if it got me information…"Fine. Just keep me in the loop."

"I will."

I hated when we fought, but the look on his face after we'd stopped was so cute that I had to smile. A tentative smile would pull at the corners of his mouth and his eyes would soften a little.

"What?" his smile grew and his eyebrows cocked in confusion.

"Nothing. You just… you get this look on your face after we've fought and it's… it's cute, okay?" I looked away, trying to hide the flush that had come to my face.

"Are you calling me cute?" Castle cracked up, "My, my detective, that bullet must have effected your brain somehow. Although I am partial to that color in your cheeks." I punched his shoulder and winced, realizing I'd used my right hand.

"Oh. You need to sit down. You've been standing for too long. And you need to eat. Any preference?" he took my hands and helped me walk to the living room again where I sank onto the couch, somehow absolutely exhausted.

"Apple sauce?" I asked, pressing my hands together between my knees to stop them from shaking.

"Coming right up."

With Castle gone, I could think again. Roy and all the years I'd trusted him and seen him in an almost fatherly light were now dampened with the feeling that it had all been a lie. Castle was more involved in my mother's case than I was now but he was here with me, making me promise to let him take care of me. And I was going to let him! What the hell kind of alternate universe had I been shot into?

"Applesauce, water, and a side of pills." Castle came back into the living room, bearing a tray. He set it down on my lap and then plopped down next to me, taking a second cup of applesauce and glass of water for himself.

I tossed the three small pills (orange, white and green. Castle had arranged them to look like the Irish flag. It reminded me of the pin that Ryan wore sometime but it was cute. Probably habit from the days of a younger Alexis) into my mouth and washed them down with water, shuddering as the scraped their way down my throat.

Castle spooned a huge bite of apple sauce into his mouth and then said, with his mouth full, "So what did you and Alexis do?"

"Oh, no. We're talking about the case," I wrestled with the applesauce, but my still trembling hands would not do what I wanted them to.

Castle took the small cup from my hands and ripped off the foil top and handed it back to me.

"Thanks." I scowled. Had I really lost that much ability? My arms still felt relatively strong. I was just too damn shaky.

"Of course." Castle set down his already empty applesauce cup and leaned back, taking a long drag from his water glass.

"So. What happened? What's new in the case?" I asked, taking a tiny bite of the tangy apple sauce. I hummed quietly. Yum.

"Okay… the guy behind this… they call him the Dragon but his real name is Thomas Darling. He's got a sheet as long as the Nile. Extortion, prostitution, attempted terrorism, murder, possession, you name it, he's done it. He has his own personal army it seems like. But he's never been caught. When he heard what Raglan and them were doing he wanted in on it. After the ransom he decided that the case had too many ties so he started cutting them off one by one."

"But why does my mom have to do with all of this?" I asked, spooning a third bite into my mouth and then setting the tray off to the side, no longer hungry.

"She found out about what Raglan and his partners were doing. She was going to bust them and then it would get traced back to the Dragon. He couldn't have that. She was just another string that had to be cut. Roy actually did Darling a favor by killing Lockwood and his men. You're the only string left attached to his case."

"And the boys," I whispered, "And you." I was starting to feel sick. Everyone in this case seemed to end up dead.

"I told you, I've got people everywhere, protecting everyone. And the 12th's got details on everyone. Shaw and Fallon have even added people in this. They've been chasing this guy for years."

"Why did he get involved with this case? Crooked cops doesn't seem like his style." I stifled a yawn behind my hand, trying to hide it from Castle. There was so much more I wanted to talk about, I couldn't let him see me tiring.

"I don't know. Maybe he saw an opportunity and took it. He'd be harder to touch if he had some cops under his thumb." Castle stood up, "Now you, my lady, must go off to bed. You've done way more than you should have today and I'm sure you're exhausted."

It felt like years ago that I'd been sprung from the hospital, not a few hours. I glanced at my watch. 6:47. Really? I was tired at 6:47. I could go for five days on about eight hours of sleep and lots of coffee.

"Castle, I'm fine, really. We need to talk about this more." I started to protest as he picked up my tray.

"No. That's about all I know anyway. And remember our deal?" I scowled as he held out my barely touched cup of applesauce, "You want anymore?"

My stomach was in knots just thinking about the case. Eating wasn't going to happen, "No. Thanks."

"Come on, Kate, you barely touched it and you haven't eaten anything else all day, except that cup of coffee this morning."

"I said I'd let you take care of me, not baby me." I growled back, gently pushing the cup away.

"You need to get your strength up and eating will do that." He held the cup out again.

"No, Castle. I don't' want any."

He sighed and straightened up. "Fine. I'll come get you in a minute."

"Okay." I sat back against the couch, feeling my eyelids drooping already. I didn't know how I was going to climb the… Oh right. I was sleeping in Castle's room. He was taking the extra room. Dang it. I hated the thought of taking his room from him. He looked dead on his feet and sleeping in a different bed wasn't going to help him.

"Come on," Castle had returned with his hands held out. I grabbed them, standing and again, almost enjoying the stretch of my injured ribs and sewn skin.

"Castle are you sure I can't take the guest room again?" I asked as we tottered toward his bedroom slowly.

"Unless you want me to carry you up and down the stairs every time you want to go to your room, I don't think so. I wouldn't mind carrying you, but I know you probably wouldn't like it, so…"

I glared. I was sure; if we went really slowly I could make it… maybe? "What about the couch then? I can take the couch and you have your bed. I hate taking your bed away from you. You need your sleep. You look dead on your feet." We were in the middle of his study, and a larger than Nikki Heat cover was propped in a corner. Heat Rises. Oh Lord, what was the new one going to be like? I'd have to remember to ask for a copy to read.

"I do not want to be the one responsible for you rolling off of my couch and re breaking your ribs and tearing your stitches. Not just so I can sleep a little easier. Not a chance, Kate, I know how you sleep."

We had made it to the bedroom. I paused just inside the door and stared at him.

"You slept on the couch in the precinct that one time. I covered you with a blanket and when I came in an hour later, you were half hanging off one end and the blanket was halfway across the room."

I looked away, embarrassed, "Oh… yeah. Sorry."

"Why are you apologizing? It was adorable." I glanced up into his face and found not a hint of mischief there. He was being sincere.

"Shut up," I muttered as we made it to the bathroom door.

"You got it in there?" he asked as I leaned against the door jamb.

I glared at him, but not menacingly. More playfully than anything, but he was being totally serious, "Yeah, Castle, I got this."

"Okay, I'll be right here if you need me," He promised, lowering himself to sit on the floor. I looked around for my luggage, a bag, something to indicate that Lanie had dropped off my stuff, but I didn't see anything.

"Didn't you say Lanie was picking up some of my stuff?"

"Oh yeah, she said she's really sorry, but she got hung up at work and she'll bring it by tomorrow."

"Oh…" I was already wearing sweats. Maybe he'd let me wear the hoodie to bed. My button down wasn't exactly the most comfortable thing in the world.

"Yeah, sorry. I thought I'd have stuff here for you. If I'd known…"

"No, Castle, it's fine. But… um do you mind if I wear this hoodie to bed to night?" I felt insanely embarrassed asking him but it was so comfy and it smelled like him. I liked it more than I wanted to let on.

"Of course you can wear it. I have another one if you want to change out of that one." He started to get up but I held out a hand, "Oh, no Castle, this one's fine. I've been wearing it all day so it's warm."

"Okay, if you're sure." He sat back down, leaning against the wall.

"Thanks," I smiled down at him and then plodded into the bathroom, carefully shutting the door behind me.

It took me longer than I thought it would. My arms and legs felt like they weighed a ton as I tried to stand up from the toilet. Pulling up my pants was no party either. After I'd washed my hands and face, I studied myself in the mirror.

My hair was falling out of its ponytail and hung lankly around my face. It had become lifeless and plain, just hanging there, brown as ever. There were huge circles under my eyes and my cheek bones were even more prominent than usual. I unzipped Castle's hoodie and hung it up on the towel rack and proceeded to unbutton my shirt. Or try to. My hands were still shaking pretty badly and it took me about twenty seconds just to undo one.

Tears of frustration built up in my eyes as I worked my way down the shirt. This shouldn't be so hard. I'd been putting on my own clothes since I was two and a half. And now, at almost thirty years old, I couldn't unbutton my own shirt anymore.

"Kate." There was a knock on the door, "Are you okay?"

"Fine." I called out, proud at the lack of tremor in my voice, since tears were nearly blinding me.

"Do you need any help?" he sounded genuinely worried.

"You are not going to see me naked by asking if I need help, Castle," I finished the second to last button and tried to laugh but it sounded more like choking.

"I'm not trying to feel you up. I just want to help. I promise."

"I'm fine, I'll be right out." I heard him sigh but he dropped it and I finally completed unbuttoning my shirt.

I shrugged out of it and studied myself, clutching the counter. My collar bones and ribs were clearly defined under my skin and the ab muscles that I'd had only a few days before had melted away, leaving my hip bones to protrude weirdly against my sweats.

There was a white cotton pad taped over the center of my chest. Without realizing I was doing it, I caught the edge of the tape under my fingernail and pulled experimentally. The tape was super adhesive and pulled at my sewn skin. I winced as more tears filled my already clouded eyes. Finally I just yanked the pad away and tossed it in the general direction of the trash can. I shuddered as air hit the stitches and finally checked out my injury in the mirror

From the bottom of my sternum to just above my right breast, ran a long black line of stitches, closing what had been my bullet and surgery wounds. The skin around it was a little brighter red than the rest. It was ugly and puckered but I couldn't look away. It didn't seem like it was part of me. I ran a finger over it experimentally and quickly jerked my hand away as it burned. Definantly me. The stitches were clean and seemed to be holding fine, and I could feel my eyes beginning to close as I stood there. I didn't need to replace the bandage. I'd be fine.

"Beckett, I'm starting to worry out here." I jumped at Castle's voice.

I grabbed the hoodie off the hook and swung it around my shoulders, ignoring the pull in my chest.

"Calm down, Castle I'll be out in a minute."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes." I fumbled for the zipper and pulled it up to a decent point (conveniently enough to hide my stitches and lack of bandage from Castle) then turned around and squirted a little bit of Castle's toothpaste onto my finger and swished it around in my mouth. Clean enough. I spat it out and glanced at the mirror one last time. There was a single tear working its way down my cheek. Hastily, angrily, I brushed it away and then slowly made my way to the door.

"See. Still alive," I told Rick, taking his outstretched hands and letting him guide me over to the bed.

"Just making sure. I got nervous when you were in there for ten minutes."

"I was in there ten minutes?" I didn't think I was that slow.

"Yeah."

"Well I'm fine. Thank you for checking."

"Mmhmm." He hummed. He glanced down at me and cracked a smile.

"What?" I asked laughing at the adorable look on his face.

"I forget how short you are without those insane heels."

"Yeah, well…" I was used to being only a couple inches shorter than Castle so we

were about on the same eye level at least but now my head was on a level with his shoulder, "Why do you think I wear them? I like not having to look up. Harder to be ignored that way."

Castle laughed again as I sank down onto his bed. It was sinfully soft and I just

wanted to curl up in the middle of it.

"Are you positive-" I started, leaning against his side a little.

"Hush. You're taking my bed, that's it."

"Okay…"

He sat down next to me, "Do you want me to take your hair down?"

"If you don't mind. Sorry I can't do this by my self." I grumbled as he smoothly started to tug the hair tie out.

"Don't be. I love helping. That's why I'm here." Almost without my notice, he had the tie out and was handing it to me.

"You're really good at that." I murmured as his fingers continued to comb through my lifeless hair, gently untangling the worst of the gnarls.

"Alexis was really tender headed as a little girl, I had to get good at it," he whispered back. I fought a shudder at his close ness, I could feel his heat against my back, and I was almost unconsciously leaning in to his touch.

"I should let you get to sleep." Castle stood and looked down at me. I was sad to have him go. His warmth was intoxicating as was the feel of his fingers, his smell, everything about him at the moment.

"Okay." I mumbled.

Castle leaned down and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes at the contact and let out a tiny sigh; his lips lingered longer than strictly necessary.

"Lie down so I can cover you up."

"I'm sure I can do that much, Castle. Thank you. You should get some rest."

"Alright, if you're sure."

"I am."

"Okay then."

I wriggled my way in between his sheets (which were the softest, most unbearably perfect sheets I'd ever felt) and Castle shut off the light. Since it was 7:15 at the very latest, the last rays of the sunset were still streaming between the curtains but Castle pulled a second, darker pair over the windows and the room was plunged into almost complete darkness.

My eyes were closing and my tongue felt heavy in my mouth. It was amazing how quickly I could fall asleep now.

"G'night, Rick," I slurred, rolling onto my left side, facing away from the window.

"Until tomorrow, Kate." I heard him whisper but I was already being sucked under, into the cool blackness of sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**Part 8 baby! Yay and this one is now the longest part yet. I'm actually pretty proud of how it turned out. I hope the beginning makes sense. It's supposed to be a little confusing or choppy, I hope it works. I really liked writing this part. (warning: minor spoiler for the end of Season 6 of Bones) The next part should be fairly fun too. I know what I want to happen, I just haven't gotten it written out yet, so between that, school, and rehearsal, it might take me a bit to put it up. Sorry! **** Anyway, tell me what you're thinkin' about the story, if I got anything wrong, whatever! I really hope no one's OOC or anything. So. Here it is! Hope you enjoy :) **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 8

_ The kiss seared across my lips, sending fire through my body. His hands roamed, one tight around my waist, the other to the back of my head, knotting itself in my hair. I clutched at his shoulders, pulling him closer. The initial shock had faded, leaving only heat. The feel of him, his lips, his arms, his warmth, was intoxicating._

FOCUS! _My brain screamed and I flicked open my eyes to glance at the guard. He was still moving closer though slowly, more curious than cautious._

_ Castle pressed himself closer and I got lost in our lips again. I caught his lower lip between my teeth and a strangled moan filtered through the kiss. Damn it. He wasn't supposed to know how much I had wanted this. Castle's hand flattened against my back and he pulled me securely to his chest. _

_ Suddenly Josh flashed through my mind and jolted me back to reality. I had a boyfriend. Granted it was ending (we both knew it, we were just too busy or too scared to admit it) and this wasn't even a real kiss, but it was so…passionate. I was enjoying it way more than I should have and the thought of my 'boyfriend' was enough to take my mind off of kissing Castle. Almost. _

_ The guard was closer than ever. I pulled Castle, our lips still attached, around so that his back was to the guard. If he would just take two more steps… and as I watched through my eyelashes, he did._

_ I leaned into the kissed one more time, knowing I wouldn't get the chance to do this again. Almost completely unwillingly, I separated our lips, grabbed my gun and spun out from Castle's arms. The butt of my gun connected with the guard's head. He went down without a sound._

_ I watched him for a moment, gasping in the cold air and looking for movement. There was none. I could hear Castle panting behind me and I hoped to God that I didn't sound as out of breath as he did._

_ "That was-" he began as I turned toward him but a sudden CRACK! exploded through the night. Castle crumbled and I yelled. I skidded on my knees at his side, pulling his head into my lap and checked behind me. Ice replaced blood in my veins. _

_ Lockwood stood behind the Captain, less than 100 feet away, holding Roy's hand on the gun, their fingers jammed together on the trigger. Roy looked stricken, Lockwood, malicious, and almost happy. Castle coughed weakly from my lap. I glanced down to check on him. A scarlet flower was blooming in the center of his chest. _

_ "Oh, God. Stay with me, Castle," I gasped, putting one hand over his chest and applying pressure on the wound. Castle groaned and grasped at my hand over his chest._

_ Shaking, I raised my gun to Lockwood and Roy barely able to tear my eyes away from Castle. _

_ "Drop the gun, Lockwood!" I shouted, my finger already poised on my trigger. Faster than I could process, Lockwood, dark eyes glinting, flicked the gun out of Roy's hand, pointed it at his head and pulled the trigger. The second explosion shattered the night and Roy dropped like a stone. No emotion showed in Lockwood's black eyes._

_ My heart tore in half watching my mentor, the man I had come to think of as a friend, as a father figure, fall. Lockwood had killed him. This was just another thing that was my fault. _

_ "Just shoot him," Castle gasped from my lap, pulling me out of my own brain. Automatically, I glanced down to check on him and I instantly wished I hadn't. The halves of my heart plummeted as I watched the color recede from his lips, leaving them white and trembling. The whole of his blue shirt was dyed red and his hand was shaking on mine which was covered in his blood. _

_ "Castle, I can't!" I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Castle was dying. Lockwood had killed Roy. What could I do? "He knows stuff about my mom. I can find out what he knows!"_

_ "He's going to kill you, Kate," he moaned._

_ "Shhh, Rick, don't talk." A chill ran through me hearing the weakness in his voice_

_ I turned my eyes away from Rick's blue ones. Lockwood was slowly making his way towards us with a confident swagger, gun hanging loosely from his fingers, and a creepy smile stretching his lips. _

_ "Who do you think you are, Detective? You're not strong enough to touch the Dragon. I'm just a pawn. You'll never find him. Your swine of a mother couldn't. Why should you be any different?"_

_ Despite all of my training and without my permission, my gun was up; my finger was squeezing the trigger. Rage was roaring through me as the night was exploding for a third time. _

_ Lockwood fell to the ground. Surely I'd killed him. It was a good clean shot. He didn't move. _Sorry, Mom,_ I thought, as I set my gun down at my side_ I'll figure out another way. I swear.

_ "Good girl," Castle gasped._

_ "Shut up, Castle." I replied, terrified again. His voice was weak, quieter than I'd ever heard it. His hand was barely grasping my fingers. I slid my fingers between those of his free hand, still pressing down on the gunshot wound with my other hand._

_ "Castle, we've got to get you out of here. My phone…" I started to pull away to search for my phone, call an ambulance. I had to save him. Life was seeping away from him. But as I went to move he tightened his grip on me._

_ "No. Look at me." _

_ Why, WHY was it so hard to look into those blue eyes now? More tears were leaking out of my eyes, blurring my vision._

_ "Castle. Please. Stay with me." It came out as a whimpering whisper. Not at all what I had wanted. I wanted to leave no room for argument. I wanted to demand that he not die. No wiggle room, no room for doubt. He COULD NOT die. _

_ My mother's case didn't matter at the moment. Josh didn't matter. Nothing else in the world mattered except that the man I loved, my best friend, was dying in my lap and there was nothing I could do about it. _

_ I hiccupped a sob and clutched his now, uncharacteristically cold hands, "Please don't leave me." What was this? I was stronger than this! I had to be stronger than this. For him. But the only thing I seemed to be capable of doing was cry and hold his hands, knelt on the frozen gravel. _

_ "I love you, Kate." It was so quiet, half a whisper, but I heard it clear as day. _

_ I stared into his eyes and opened my mouth to say… what? That I loved him too? Of course I loved him too, but my vocal cords wouldn't cooperate. I couldn't say it back. _

_ But before I could utter more than a strangled, "Rick…" something changed behind his eyes. They became empty, blank. No spark of life, no glint of mischief. His hand fell out of mine and his head flopped to the side. My Castle was gone. _

_ "Castle, damn it. Don't die on me." Tears were streaming down my face. I pressed my hands against his chest, compressing it, trying to kick start his heart again. It squelched sluggishly under my hands but refused to carry one as soon as I stopped._

_ "No, Castle." I whimpered, leaning down and pressed my forehead against his. He was gone. Really truly gone. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I couldn't breathe. My life without him was cold, bleak and dark. The halves of my heart crumbled and disintegrated into dust. I was empty. My breaths came in ragged sobs and my chest ripped further apart with every attempted intake of air. _Castle's gone._ The thought ran around my head again and again and I fell further into the pit of pain and despair that I'd barely clawed my way out of after my mother's death. _

_ When I finally sat up again, my heart plummeted with the temperature. I was back in the freezer, alone. Lockwood's and Roy's bodies still lay several feet away in the whiteness._

_ "I am so sorry, Rick," I whispered, placing my fingers over his eyelids and sliding them closed. Unable to help myself, I brushed my lips over his forehead and then, gently pulled his limp form from my lap. If it hadn't been for the blood, he could have been sleeping. And I could almost convince myself that he was. Rage was filling the hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I had to see that Lockwood was really, truly dead. _

_ My footsteps echoed in the spacious freezer and my breath billowed out in front of me in puffy clouds. I was halfway to Lockwood's body when he moved. My hand dove for my gun but it had disappeared. _

_ Lockwood rolled over and hunched to his feet, but something was different. His hair had lengthened, turned to a darker brown. The clothes hung weirdly on him, too big. It wasn't 'til he straightened up and turned to look at me that I realized that Hal Lockwood wasn't Hal Lockwood anymore. He was a woman. And more specifically, my mother. _

_ I shrieked and stumbled back but there was something behind me. I whirled around and found Roy blocking my path. I barely choked back a second scream. _

_ My mom/Lockwood bore the effects of my shot. A single dark hole drilled right through the center of her/his forehead. The left side of Roy's head was completely gone. Both sets of eyes were vacant and their movements were stiff and slow. I felt like I was trapped in the middle of a really bad zombie movie but it was real. _

_ "How could you, Katie?" My mom's voice mixed with Lockwood's to create the most terrifying sound I'd ever heard, "By shooting him, you may as well have killed me. You'll never find him now."_

_ "Kate, why didn't you do something? You could have saved me."_

_ "Roy," I gasped, trying to fumble my way from between them, but a third mass stopped my progress. _

_ Barely daring to breathe, I cranked my head around. Mussed, soft, brown hair and vacant blue eyes almost the same color of the bloodstained shirt. _

_ "Castle." I choked, shivering as his icy hands came up to brush my arm. I jumped away from the contact for the first time a while. _

_ "I'm gone now, Kate. Are you finally happy?"_

_ "No! No. I didn't want any of this to happen! I'm so sorry." I felt like a child again, inconsequential, unable to change anything, hurting, scared as hell._

_ "It's all your fault Kate. You took our lives from us. How could you?" their hands like ice, pushed and grabbed at me, latching on and then shoving me against the wall of the freezer. The ice felt like fire, searing against my skin and when they let go I was trapped against the wall. I couldn't move._

_ "You're alone, Kate. See, you push us far enough away, shut us out long enough, we'll leave you. I hope you're happy." A door slammed and I was plunged into darkness. Roy, Mom, and Castle all disappeared. The temperature decreased with such a speed that I was soon choking on every breath, needles of cold prodding my chest. _

_ A scream cut through the darkness, high and pained. A woman. Someone I knew. _

_ "Lanie!" I shrieked, struggling with all my strength but I couldn't move, every twitch hurt. A second scream sounded, just as piercing and agonized, but younger._

_ "Alexis!" But more screams came. Ryan, Esposito, Martha, Mom, Dad, Castle. I called out to them but one soon became discernable from the others. _

_ And then suddenly a wave of red was crashing toward me, the screams were filling my ears, deafening me and…_

My eyes shot open. For a moment I still couldn't move or breathe. I was thrashing around and my chest was on fire. I didn't know who I was or where I was or why I was in so much pain. The room was dark but as my eyes adjusted I became less frantic. My brain kicked in.

I was Kate Beckett. I had been shot at Captain Roy Montgomery's funeral, a single GSW to the chest. 4 broken or cracked ribs, a punctured liver, copious blood loss. Everyone was alive and well besides Roy. He was gone. He had been involved in the case that had resulted in my mother's death along with the death of many others. I was not with Josh Davidson. We'd broken up a while ago, mutually, and I was actually happy about it. I was at Castle's loft, staying in his bed. He was taking care of me and had a security detail on everyone close to me.

My legs were trapped in Castle's ridiculously comfy sheets which were twisted around my body, effectively immobilizing me. Castle's scent hung on the bed, in the room and it made me desperate to see him, feel his heartbeat, his warmth.

The room was dark and cold. I shuddered remembering the screams, the waves of red. I needed to see everyone, hear their voices, something to know that they were alive and okay.

I rolled over, wincing slightly. A clock set on the mahogany bedside table was flashing green. 4:56. Too early to call any of them for anything casual. My phone was sitting in front of the clock. I snatched it up and unlocked it. no messages. The clock on my phone read about 5 minutes faster than the clock on Castle's bedside table, but it was still earlier than I usually got up. It felt like I hadn't slept at all, even after my ten hour snooze.

The dream had felt so real. My mom… I shuddered, still feeling like I'd shot her and not Lockwood. And Castle… Watching the blood bloom, feeling his heart stop, seeing the lights go out from his eyes. Just thinking about it brought tears to my eyes.

God, I wanted to get up and find him. My emotional wall had crumbled when his heart stopped beating in my dream. I wanted him to know, to feel what I felt. But I couldn't move. Half paralyzed by a fear that I'd find that my dream had been real. Irrational, yes, but… I just couldn't shake the feeling.

Instead I tried to shut off my brain and go back to sleep but every time I closed my eyes I started to relive the dream. I caught a glimpse of Lockwood's cold, black eyes, a dying Castle, a wave of red, my mom/Lockwood with the bullet hole through her forehead and my eyes would flash open again.

It went on for almost three hours. It was agonizing. But finally, at 8:21, I heard movement from the Castle residence at large. There was a clattering in the kitchen and then a woman belting out "Sit down You're Rocking the Boat," from Guys and Dolls. I bit my lip at the sound. Martha.

Moments later, a deeper voice joined hers and the singing stopped. the deeper voice asked a few indiscernible questions and Martha answered. The two exchanged a few more words and then the singing and general clanging resumed.

Ice slid through my chest. Castle. I knew the cadence of his voice, the way he talked. He sounded okay. I had heard his voice. It was all okay. _But he spoke when he was dead in your dream, _my brain oh-so-helpfully pointed out and I got scared again. I wouldn't believe he was okay until I could feel the warmth from his body and see the color in his cheeks.

There came a soft knock on the door, "Kate."

I sat up biting back a groan. My body was protesting more fervently to movement than it had in the last few days. That's what I got for thrashing around in my sleep and pushing myself while I was awake. Castle was right… again. Ugh.

There was another knock and Castle poked his head into the room, "You're awake. How long have you been up?" his hair was sticking up in every direction and there was a goofy grin plastered on his face.

I shook my head, clenching my hands on the blanket. As soon as he appeared I was scared again, closed off. It was ridiculous how quickly my walls resurrected themselves at the sight of him. I had planned to tell him I loved him that I remembered what he'd said to me, but I just couldn't. I clamped my eyes shut again, angry with how damn guarded I was. _Bang! Gunshot, blood, Castle's lifeless eyes._

I threw my eyes open, gasping and shaking again.

Rick was in the room and crossing to me in an instant, "Kate, what's wrong? Are you okay?" he sat down at the edge of the bed, taking my hand. His hands were as warm as ever and I sighed a little. Warmth meant life.

I shook my head again, "I…" I couldn't find the words, didn't want him to seem me this scared and vulnerable and weak, but I supposed it was too late. He's seen me in this state for the past almost two weeks.

"It's just… Can you…" I wanted him to hold me. Why couldn't I just say it? I needed his arms around me, to hear his heart beat, be enveloped by his warmth.

Rick seemed to understand. Instantly, he settled more steadily on the edge of the bed and reached for me.

I moved without hesitation, burying my head in his shoulder and grabbing onto the front of his shirt. His arm wound around my waist lightly while the other hand threaded through my hair, gently holding my head. I stiffened momentarily, unconsciously at our contact, and then relaxed into him.

The contrast of our body temperatures (I was freezing somehow) and the comfort in our embrace made me shiver with content.

"Hey, hey, it's alright," he whispered against my hair, rocking slightly.

Under my hand there was a stead thrumming. Thud- thud. Thud-thud. Thud-thud. His heart. He was alive and warm and he was breathing and his heart was pumping blood through his body. I could breathe again too. This was proof. He was still with me.

I burrowed my head into this chest and wrapped my left arm around his neck, leaving my right hand rested over his heart, so I could feel his heart continue to beat.

"What's wrong?" Castle pulled his head back enough to lay his forehead against mine when I glanced up.

I shook my head a third time but whispered, "'S'nothing. I'm fine." My fingers knotted in the hair at the base of his neck and I felt him sigh.

I don't know how long we sat there, wound around one another. All I knew was I didn't want it to end. Having him around made it harder to be scared.

Eventually though, Martha called, "Breakfast is ready, kids!"

Castle's laugh rumbled under my ear and I smiled at the noise, "We'd better get out there before she gets her feelings hurt.

I grinned a little and held on tighter for a moment before carefully unwinding myself from him with a fair amount of reluctance. Rick kept his arms around me and kissed my forehead.

"Thank you," I whispered, leaning my head back into him.

"Always," he murmured and I smiled again as he said it.

Rick stood up and offered me his hands. I took them and then groaned quietly as we stood. My legs were insanely sore and it felt like my chest had been punched in again.

"You okay?" he asked, helping me totter over to the bathroom.

"Fine. Sore." I laughed then winced.

"Would you like me to carry you?" he asked, with an air of innuendo.

I let go with one arm and smacked his arm, "Castle."

"What?" he replied innocently and I couldn't help but laugh at his experession.

"I can walk, thank you."

After a hurried yet slow few minutes in the bathroom for each of us, Castle and I ventured out into the loft. It smelled insanely good. Waffles. My mouth watered at the smell.

"Good morning, ladies," Castle called as we made out way to the kitchen. As soon as I was situated in my chair/stool next to Alexis, he kissed her on the forehead and his mother on the cheek before grabbing a plate. They replied perfunctorily before returning to their conversation.

"Hey, Castle, where's that list of food? I want to see if I can eat waffles yet." Seeing Alexis and Martha well and good did loads to improve my mood.

"I checked, and you can't." He replied apologetically. I sighed, irritated with my new diet, even if it was only temporary.

"But, you can have pudding and grated carrots," he promised, setting a mug of coffee in front of me before turning to the refrigerator.

I stared at his back as he rummaged through it, "Grated carrots?"

"Yep!" he replied, turning back to me and plopping a Tupperware container of orange shavings in front of me along with a cup of chocolate pudding, "and they're actually pretty good."

I picked up a fork and placed a bite in my mouth. The shavings were actually pretty good, a different texture.

"How'd it go with Ashleigh yesterday?" I whispered to Alexis as Castle started to argue about something with his mother.

Her eyes sparkled at the mention of his name and she bit back a smile. It was so cute how just saying his name perked her up and made her smile. It was infectious and I couldn't help but smile as a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach spread.

"It went okay. We talked some and apologized to one another. He said he was just worried about me and didn't know how to tell me or what to do. He just wanted to help. It was really sweet."

"What's really sweet?" Castle plopped down next to me, a waffle taking up most of his plate. He picked it up as soon as the plate was on the bar and started to rip it to pieces.

"That Dr. Brennan is pregnant with Agent Booth's baby on Bones," Lex responded without missing a beat. Guilt curled my toes at the lie and I completely lost my appetite as my thoughts from the previous night returned.

"Oh really?" Castle asked, sounding mildly interested in the affairs of the fictional characters.

"Mmhmm," Alexis nodded, her mouth full of waffle, "I recorded the episode for you."

"Thanks, pumpkin," he sounded so excited as he upended a bottle of syrup and dumped an obscene amount on to his plate.

"Jesus, Castle, want some waffle with your syrup?" I asked feebly, pushing my food away slightly.

"No," he responded seriously before drowning several pieces in the lake of syrup and shoving them into his mouth. I snuck a tiny piece from the edge of his plate and popped it in my mouth.

"Kate!" he whined as I chewed.

"Oh, come on, Castle, it's a tiny piece. I'm sure I'll be fine."

He sighed in disapproval and reached over to open my pudding, but I stopped him.

"Don't worry about it, I'm not hungry." In truth, the waffle had tasted like ash in my mouth, the effects of the guilt that was eating me alive.

"Beckett, you barely touched your applesauce last night. We need to get your strength up. Now eat your pudding." He grabbed the cup, peeled back the foil lid, and handed me a spoon.

I was painfully aware of Martha and Alexis watching our exchange with mildly concerned expressions on their faces.

Flushed, I shook my head and whispered, "Really, Castle, it's no big deal. I'm not hungry. Drop it."

He set the cup down on the counter before leaning in until our faces were mere inches apart. I fought the dual impulse to hug him or hit him again.

"Do you remember our conversation last night?" I glowered at him, now leaning more toward hitting than hugging. I nodded stiffly, still trying to glare him down, but for once, Richard Castle didn't flinch.

"And do you remember your side of our agreement?" he continued, keeping himself closer to whisper.

"Yes," I replied tersely, "Do you?"

"Of course. There's nothing new on that front though. This is about you and what our agreement entails. This is it. You don't keep up your end, I won't tell you anything more. "

I fought the irritated groan that rose in my throat. I could either do as I pleased but be kept in the dark, or I could appease Castle, concede defeat and be informed. I was screwed either way.

"Black mail," I muttered, turning away from him and scooping a bite of putting into my mouth.

"Good girl," castle smiled and went back to his waffle.

"Shut up, Castle." I grumbled around a second mouthful of pudding.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Castle jumped up, his fork clattering against the plate as he jumped up.

He returned to his seat a moment later with the same array of pills from the previous night. I took them from him and downed them dry.

The loft was silent for several moments as everyone ate. I managed to eat most of my pudding and about a third of the carrots. When I pushed them away, Castle gave me a look that I knew would proceed his protests, but I shot him a full force, interrogation flavor, don't-mess-with-me look and he closed his mouth.

Suddenly there was a loud crash and the lights flickered momentarily. The four of us jumped at the noise and Rick rested a concerned hand on my back as I gasped. Alexis slid out of her chair, padded over to the window and pulled back the curtain to peer out.

"It's pouring!" she told us as lightening flashed and she returned to her seat, "I guess there go my plans to go to the art show in Bennet Park with Paige."

"I felt Castle tense up at my side and I glanced over. I expected to see him worried about Alexis even considering going out into the dangerous, crowded city where a killer could be targeting her. Or else be at least a little unhappy about the weather.

What I didn't expect to see was the slow smile spreading across his face, a glint of mischief finally breaking through the worry.

He looked between his mother, Alexis, and me, gleefully, "Movie day!"


	9. Chapter 9

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**First off, I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO sorry. I just could not figure out how to convey what I wanted in this part and I'm still not completely pleased with how it came out but… Gah. Beckett and Castle did not want to cooperate. The beginning isn't the best, but as the chapter goes on, it gets better, I think. I really hope no one's OOC but PLEASE tell me if they are so I can fix it. I have bits of the story planned out after this, but we'll see how well that works out… Also, this is clearly AU after Monday's (amazing, fantastic, stupendous, awe-inspiring, heart breaking, exciting, whatever other words you can think of to describe RISE) premiere. My best friend and I watched it and it was so … we had way too much fun watching it. I'm super tempted to write a One shot on it (I'm seriously considering it but… I dunno There were so many times where I wished I could have written Castle's lines differently!). I'm so excited for this season. Anyway. I apologize again for the freaking long wait. School and feuding characters are not conducive to the writing process. :P Anyway, drop me a review and tell me what you think, what you want to happen, whatever. Again sorry! I'll try to update soon! Hope you enjoy! **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 9

Martha, as it turned out, had to go to her school to teach a couple of classes, so Castle, Alexis, and I curled up on the couch with a whole stack of movies before us, ranging from The Proposal to North by Northwest to Mulan.

"Where to start, where to start…" Castle wondered, running his fingers along the titles. Alexis and I were wrapped up in blankets next to one another, watching her father decide.

"Come on, Dad, we've got all day. Just pick one to start on!" She laughed, leaning her head against my shoulder. I smiled at the gesture, loving how close we were becoming; she didn't even seem to realize that she'd done it until her head was resting there.

"Alright, alright." He called back, still not turning away from the choices.

"Come on, Castle, this isn't life or death here."

"Okay, jeez, you two. Patience is a valuable virtue," he chided, finally, plucking a disc from its case and popping it into the DVD player.

Alexis and I laughed, "From the man who can't sit still for 30 minutes while I'm doing paperwork."

"Unless he has Angry Birds," Alexis added, smiling up at me.

Castle came over and flumped down next to me, pouting, as the FBI warning bloomed on the screen, "You two are teaming up on me, that's mean."

Lex and I laughed again as the movie began. A black star field and then….

The classic music for Star Wars started up and "STAR WARS EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK," scrolled up the screen. Alexis and I applauded Castle's choice and he looked satisfied with our reactions.

Star Wars passed in a haze of laughter. Rick seemed incredibly shocked that I mouthed every line along with the characters.

"I never would have pegged you for a Star Warrior," he quipped after regaining the use of his vocal chords.

"Yeah, well being a Trekkie is over rated.. I've watched Star Wars for as long as I can remember," I replied, smiling as his mouth hit the floor again. I swore I heard him mutter "Sexy…" as he returned his attention to the movie and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing.

Alexis and I had great fun quoting the movie back and forth and Castle eventually jumped in. However, when Han Solo was being lowered into the carbonate, I stopped, remembering the following lines.

"I love you!" Alexis quoted from my side as Han was dragged away from Leia.

"I know," Castle completed in his best Han impression (which I had to admit was pretty darn good). I felt Castle glance at me but I remained focused on the screen.

_Stay with me Kate. I love you. I love you, Kate. _ Damn him. My hands clenched into fists on my lap. I knew and he thought I didn't and I was too scared to tell him that I knew. What would happen when he found out that I knew and I'd lied? I wanted him to know. I really, really did. I wanted to be with him, to have him hold me and kiss me and tell me everything would be okay. But the (extremely loud) nagging voice took over at once.

_'I love you' doesn't mean the same thing to Castle as it does to you,_ I told myself, _he's been married twice, he's had… God knows how many other conquests. There's no way it would work with you two. And besides, he said that in the heat of a moment. Don't say you wouldn't have done the same thing because you know you would. If you bring it up, the whole thing will just be painful for both of you. He'll regret saying it to you and you'll just be hurt when he tells you. As far as you're concerned, it never happened. _

But the rest of me screamed that I wanted it bad enough, that getting hurt would be worth it.

I concentrated far too hard on the rest of the movie, trying to drown out the lingering guilt and fresh waves of regret and fear that were still trying to drag me under. The only reason I was concentrating on my messed up relationships was because everything else was far too painful to even consider, and even though it hurt like hell, this was the easiest situation to dwell on. God. What was wrong with me? I couldn't even watch a movie like a normal person.

As soon as the credits for Star Wars started to roll, Alexis jumped up and popped in another movie. As it opened, Rick groaned next to me, "Come on, Lex, I'm sure Kate doesn't want to watch Mulan and you've seen it more times than you can count!"

Alexis protested as he started to stand but I grabbed his harm.

"Who says I don't want towatch Mulan? I love Mulan."

Rick looked absolutely dumbfounded but when I tugged on his arm again, he sat. It wasn't a lie. I did love Mulan. I'd come across it on one of my (very rare) days off. It was an instant favorite. I smiled at Alexis, happy at yet another thing we shared and she squeezed my arm.

Little Castle and I were halfway through belting out, "I'll Make a Man Out of You," when I realized that her father's arm had somehow ended up stretched over the couch behind me. I bit back a smile at the warmth that had enveloped me on either side. Warmth was just a "Castle family" thing.

By the end of Mulan, we had a sort of leaning train going. Alexis had her head resting on my shoulder, I was leaned against Castle's side, and he was half lying against the side of the couch. I wasn't really sure how we had ended up that way but it was incredibly comfortable.

Rick disrupted it by getting up to change the movie, Iron Man this time, and Alexis flitted to the bathroom.

"Enjoying yourself, Detective?" Castle asked as he sat back down and (seemingly unaware of his actions) slipped his arm back around me.

I realized that a small smile had worked its way across my face, "Yeah… this is really nice," I tipped my head against his shoulder again, "Thank you," I murmured.

"Stop thanking me," he muttered, squeezing my shoulder.

Alexis bounded back into the room, and plopped down at my side, curling her legs underneath her and leaning against the arm of the sofa, "What's next?"

"Iron Man," Rick responded, hitting the play button.

We were only just past the opening sequence for the movie when a tinny guitar started playing and a girl began to sing, "Do you remember we were sitting there by the water, you put your arm around me for the first time, you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing that's ever been mine."

Alexis squeaked and leapt off the couch, tugging her phone out of her pocket. I stiffened as the couch jounced my limp arm across my chest. There was little chance that Castle missed it. His fingers traced gentle circles over my shoulder.

"Hey, Ash," Alexis was completely in her own world. One finger came up and curled her hair into spirals.

"I'd love to, let me ask Dad." Her face was shining as she turned to her father and covered the phone's mouthpiece, "Dad, Ash and his parents are going to see Wicked and they've invited me along. Can I go? Please?"

The conflict was evident on Castle's face. If Lex was here, he had absolute certainty that she was okay, but out in the world… we would just be endangering more people. But Alexis had been such a good sport about everything. Castle knew she'd take care of herself and do what he asked her to do. Besides, the chances of them going after her were… well not slim but less than him, or the boys, or me. I reached over and patted his knee.

Castle nodded, "Yeah, okay, Lex. But you-"

"I know, Dad. I'll be careful. I swear," She bounced over and kissed his cheek, "Thank you." With that the phone was back at her ear and she was gone, flitted up to her room to change and revel in young love.

Rick sighed, and I squeezed his leg again, "It'll be okay. You've covered all your bases. She'll be okay,"

"Yeah… Still doesn't stop me from worrying."

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat at the fear in his voice. I didn't know what to do. I settled for laying my head back on his shoulder and letting him halfway hold me. It seemed to be enough.

Thirty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Castle stood and answered it, leaving me to stare at a frozen picture of Robert Downing Jr. Alexis came bounding down the stairs again, now dressed in a light blue sundress.

"Bye, Kate," She half sang, hugging my shoulders lightly.

"Bye, Lex," I returned the hug but held her a moment longer than necessary, "Be careful kiddo."

She pulled away, shot me a sad smile and then tripped over to the door, kissing her father's cheek, and squeezing past him in to Ashleigh's waiting arms.

Castle closed the door and sank back down on the couch, pushing the play button but refusing to look at me. I extended the same courtesy. It took a while but he finally slipped his arm back around my shoulders.

We were nearing the end of the movie and Castle was falling asleep. His eyes would flutter shut and then moments he'd flinch and his eyes would spring open again, only to fall back into place moments later. Finally after about 5 minutes of open, closed, open, closed, they stayed closed. He must have fallen asleep.

I studied him while he slept. He was always watching me, doing paperwork, when I ate, when I was getting coffee, so I figured it was my turn now.

His eyes were erratic under his eyelids, darting back and forth. The dark circles beneath them were a deeper purple than the previous day. His cheeks bones, like mine, had become more pronounced and though he'd clearly shaved recently, stubble was spotting his cheeks again. He was so clearly exhausted, I didn't know how I'd let him go this long without talking to him about it. The fragile act he'd peen putting on for Alexis had fallen away the moment the door had closed behind her. My heart hurt watching him. I hated what I'd done to him.

Gently, I tugged the remote from Rick's limp hand and switched the TV off. He started awake as the loft became silent.

"What? Hey why'd you turn it off? I love that part," he complained, reaching for the remote but I tossed it to the other end of the couch.

"What're you doing?" he whined, trying to get around me for the remote, but I pushed him back.

"You haven't been sleeping." I stated, staring up at him.

He tried his best to give me an innocent look, "Wha… Kate, don't' be ridicu-"

"Castle," I interjected. I was tired of being charaded into thinking that everything was alright, "You promised to keep me in the loop." Unconsciously my finger came up to skim across the stubble on his cheek.

He seemed to crumble at my touch. His shoulders slumped and his face collapsed. His eyes sank closed for a moment.

"Castle," I whispered again. For once my brain didn't kick in. I just did was felt right. I drew up my knees and turned to face him, leaving one hand against his cheek, and placing the other against his chest.

Finally, his eyes fluttered open to look at me.

"What's wrong?" I murmured, shifting marginally closer and ignoring the ever present pull my chest.

He wouldn't keep eye contact with me longer than a few seconds. After the third time that he glanced at me and away I saw him swallow hard.

"Come on. I'm right here. You've been taking care of me. My turn." Pressing my forehead to his was ballsy for me but I felt like it was what the situation required.

"I…" he faltered, his hand coming up to squeeze the one that rested on his chest. I twisted my hand around to entwine our fingers. His other hand rested on my hip.

"I have nightmares," he whispered. I pulled back enough to look at him more clearly.

"You're dying in my arms. I can't do anything to save you. Sometimes it's Alexis or Mother… but you're always there."

"Oh Rick," I wrapped my arms around his torso and laid my head on his chest, "I'm right here. I'm okay, you're okay." It got hard to swallow, hearing him voice his fears. I had caused him more pain and it hit me like a punch in the gut.

His voice was rough as he spoke again, "We… I almost lost you, Kate. I watched the lights go out and there was so much blood…" he trailed off and I held him closer. His arms locked around me, almost too tight.

"Shh," I whispered, pressing my lips to his shoulder.

"And I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes you're dying again and I can't breathe. It takes everything in me not to burst in and make sure your heart is still beating. It's all my fault that you're here. If I hadn't gone back into your mother's case-"

"I would have done it anyway. Raglan still would have contacted me. You… you've saved me so many times. I'm glad you butted into my past. None of this is your fault."

I pulled away again to stare into his eyes. This wasn't right. He could not be blaming himself. I mean, yeah, he was an obnoxious, somewhat pretentious, cocky, interfering, 9 year old on a sugar rush writer, but he was _my_ obnoxious, somewhat pretentious, cocky, interfering, 9 year old on a sugar rush writer. And he cared about me. That was why he did what he did.

"You hear me?" I asked, squeezing his hand, "Nothing. Is. Your. Fault." There were tears in his eyes and I could feel my throat constricting around my words.

Castle half nodded and wrapped his arms around me again, burying his face in my hair. I tensed for a moment before laying my head against his shoulder.

Cracks were running down my wall, spider-webbing across it, expanding out from one another. He just kept breaking them down more quickly than I could repair them. And I was tired of trying.

"I have nightmares too." I barely whispered my lips nearly at his neck.

"What?" he hummed, running a hand lazily down my back. I fought a contented shudder. It felt so natural and at the same time, so foreign.

"I have nightmares too," I repeated, barely louder, "The captain's shot and my mom's there and then you get shot and I can't save anyone. And I'm just… I'm drowning in blood or freezing," tears pricked in my eyes and I shuddered, remembering the previous night's dreams, "But when I wake up, I can't get up and find you, so I sit and wait and drive myself insane, imagining that you're dead. And it terrifies me." The final four words escaped my mouth before I could stop them, thankfully only a whisper. A huge chunk of my wall fell with a shuddering, echoing bang! inside and I watched to see if Castle noticed. The break felt physical to me. But the fears tumbling out my mouth seemed to be the only thing he heard. I had finally admitted out loud that world without him scared the hell out of me.

I shivered again and Castle held me closer. Half of my brain kicked in and started yelling at me for being pathetic and distracted. There was so much to be done and all I could do was want him to hold me.

"Sorry," I mumbled, starting to pull away when a majority of my body was screaming at me not to.

"What for, Kate? You have nothing for apologize for," he curled an errant piece of hair behind my hear and then left his hand rested against my cheek. It felt so familiar, normal, like it was an every day gesture.

"Still," I sighed, "It wasn't fair to you. I shouldn't have-"

"Shut up, Beckett," the demand was quiet but my head still snapped around. A small smile played across his lips, "I'm glad you told me."

I untangled my arms from around him to resume our original positions. We were too close for me to think clearly but I didn't want to leave his warmth.

"We're a mess," I sighed. Rick laughed and his fingers resumed their pattern on my shoulder.

"What do we do?" he asked, half amused, half serious.

I thought bloomed into being in my mind, comforting and terrifying in equal measure. Both logical and extremely stupid. But… I wanted it to happen… I could see it in my mind's eye and it looked like warmth and safety and … I wanted that didn't I?

Before I lost my nerve, I whispered it to the apartment, feeling my cheeks flush bright pink.

"What?" I couldn't tell if Castle hadn't heard me or if he didn't believe what he had heard… I really couldn't even believe I'd said it.

Sighing, I repeated, "We could sleep together…"

After a millisecond of silence, a full blown laugh exploded out of Castle.

"Shut up," I muttered, moving away from him, embarrassed for even suggesting it. I was being ridiculous for thinking that that would solve any of our problems. If anything, I had just created more.

"No, Beckett, I'm sorry. I just never though I'd hear you say that!" His all-out laughter had slacked off into a slight chuckle.

"Yeah, well…" For once I didn't know what to say.

"Were you being serious?" All traces of laughter had disappeared from his voice.

"I don't know Castle," I sighed, dropping my head back against the back of the couch.

"Why did you think it would be a good idea?" he asked, scooting back over so out bodies were almost touching again. For some reason, my breath caught in my throat as he did. I had been doing so well but now I could feel myself shutting down. No. I had to fight it.

"Just…" I fumbled with my words for several moments before saying, "I'd be there when you woke up, and so you wouldn't have to be afraid. And you'd be there with… we'd be there together." I suddenly became very interested in my fingernails.

"My thinking exactly,"

I cocked and eyebrow and glanced over at him.

"Really!" he protested, "Innuendos will return when you're well again. For now, all I care about is making sure that you're healthy and not scared…"

I laughed quietly and then sighed, "Okay," more to myself than to him. I had managed to fight myself and have an (almost completely) honest conversation with Castle. And it terrified me still.

The movements of Castle's fingers, which had begun again when he'd told me about his plan for the innuendos, began to slow and his arm felt heavier around my shoulders. I glanced up and another small, sad smile worked its way across my lips. He had fallen asleep again, his head beginning to sag against his shoulder.

"Hey," I whispered, shaking his arm gently, "Wake up."

"No," he muttered, shifting his head from his shoulder to mine.

"Yes, c'mon." A yawn swept though me suddenly and I found myself to be suddenly exhausted. "Castle, please," I whined sounding like him for a second. I changed quickly, trying to sound more like myself, "I'm tired, you're tired. Let's just go to sleep."

"Katherine Beckett, I never imagined you'd be begging me to take you to my bed," his voice was muffled and he stiffened in anticipation of the slap that he knew was coming. True to his expectations, my arm whipped out and whacked across his chest, "Castle, if you're not careful, I'm liable to rethink our… arrangement."

"Oh, come on, Beckett, give me one. I've been so good and it was so easy!" he whined, sitting up.

I laughed, an out-burst close to his, really, that hurt as I threw back my head. I winced and repositioned myself.

Castle sighed and stood up. Instantly I was cold, missing his body heat. _Damn it. I could not be this dependent on him! Yes you can, Kate. No, you're Beckett, solving Mom's case is the most important thing. Be a human for just a second. Need someone other than yourself Kate._ The internal battled continued to wage.

"Okay, okay," Castle stretched out his hands to me, "Come on." I grabbed his arms and hoisted myself up. The inside of my zipper dragged along my stitches and I ground my teeth to keep from crying out. Maybe I should have covered it…

"You okay?" Castle asked as we shuffled toward his bedroom.

"Fine," I managed to make my response sound fairly normal.

"Kate, you promised," he started, pausing for a moment as we passed through his study.

"Ugh, Castle I'm fine, really. I tweaked my stitches. It's no big deal."

"Beckett, I swear if you're being strong so that I don't-"

"Shut up, I'm fine. Let's go. I'm tired."

He made an irritated noise but we continued to his room. After depositing me on the near side of the bed, he slipped into the bathroom.

"Will you need to go in here after I get out?" he asked, sticking his head out of the crack between the door and the wall.

"Nah. I'm fine." He shut the door and I wiggled around until I was comfortable in his bed. I lay on my left side, facing away from the windows again. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table. God, it was just past two. My eyelids felt heavy but my brain was still whirling.

I was lying in Castle's bed, waiting for him to get out of the bathroom so we could go to sleep. Together. If I had been told, three and a half years ago, that I was going to be sleeping with him, in any sense of the term, I'd have laughed in the person's face. It was ridiculous, crazy even. But somehow, he had weaseled his way into my life and then to my best friend and then… I wasn't even sure what we were now. But lying here and waiting for him wasn't weird. It felt oddly… right.

The bathroom door opened and I jumped, hissing as the zipper tugged my stitches again when I twisted around.

"Sorry," Castle mumbled. He slid into the far side of the bed, but scooted near the middle. He was close but not what could be too close. He was testing his limits. Most of me wanted him close enough to hold me, but I couldn't' tell him that. His positioning was okay.

"You're fine, Castle," I sighed, settling back.

"Every time you say the word 'fine,' I'm going to fine you," he muttered, "Nothing about this situation is fine."

"What would you fine me?" I replied, trying to ignore the last part of his statement, as he turned on his side to face me.

"I don't know yet. I'm too tired to figure it out," his eyes were drooping shut.

"We'll get to be fine," I murmured, stretching out my left hand.

He felt the bed move as I did and forced his eyes open blearily. Cautiously, he

stretched out a hand and placed it in mine. We twisted our fingers together and he shifted a little closer. Our knees just barely touched under the comforter.

"We will be fine," I sighed again.

His eyes fell shut and he sighed, "Thank you, Kate." In those three quiet words, he seemed completely naked to me. He wasn't Richard Edgar Castle, Playboy and writer extraordinaire. There was no hidden agenda, no insincerity. He was Richard Alexander Rogers, my scared, caring, sweet best friend. He needed me as much as I needed him and there was only one thing I could think of as a fitting, honest reply.

My throat seemed to tighten as I heard him but I managed to choke out, "Always."

A smile ghosted across his lips and my mind took off at light speed again. What was I doing? Could I be giving him false hope by saying and doing things like I was? But it couldn't be false hope if it was what I wanted too, right? But who was I without my mother's case? It was top priority. How could I expect to be in a functional relationship with anybody if I wasn't sure who I was and if a case was the most important thing to me?

I wanted him, us, this, where we were, curled in a bed together, comfortable, comforting one another, all the time, but I couldn't do it. There was so much that just wouldn't work and so much that we both could loose. I couldn't think about him not being my best friend. We were so solid but what if we were together and it didn't work. What would happen then?

But, argued another side of my brain, it could be the best thing that's ever happened to you. He would make you happy, he'd care for you, and he could do everything you ever wanted. You could dive into it together. You already love him. You're the only one holding yourself back.

Castle's soft snoring brought me out of my own mind and I smiled, watching. He was clearly asleep, so, carefully, I brought up my right hand and ran it gently through his hair.

"Rick. I lied. I remember everything. I remember what you said. I love you too." It flew out of my mouth, quiet as a moth's wings, before I could stop it and I froze as the final words tumbled from my lips. Oh God, what had I done?

Castle's breathing stayed deep and steady. He hadn't heard me then. Good. It wasn't the time for that. Where had all my freaking sense and self control gone?

Somewhere, though, off in a little corner of my mind, I was relieved. I had finally said it to him. I knew I could say it… maybe next time he'd be awake.

Castle sighed in his sleep and brought our clasped hands closer to his chest. I watched him for several more moments, brushing my fingers through his hair again before, snuggling deeper into the covers and closing my eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**So. I must again apologize profusely for the huge gap between this one and the last. I don't know what my problem is with these couple of chapters. The next one might take me a little too. But after that, they should come a little more quickly. I really want to skip ahead a couple of chapters because I can't WAIT to write those but I need to get through these bits before the super awesome stuff gets there. Anyway so this one's a little shorter than the others but… I dunno, kinda filler. The more important stuff's at the beginning… kinda. I dunno. Haha (CASTLE SHOW RANT (not very important but!): OH MY GOSH. Why can't they just get together already? There are so many double meanings for their lines and their little looks :p ALSO. I want to force feed Stana some food. She looks TINY. Like waaaay skinnier than last year! I mean it was alright for Rise but now… it's just worrying But… anyway. Thoughts about the new season? Do you agree? I still love Castle though ****)**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I really loved writing the beginning. The end was the pisser though. Anyway, drop me a review and tell me what you're thinkin', what you want to happen, what you think will happen, what you liked or didn't, what you thought was OOC, whatever. I love reviews, so if you've got something to say, just please say it (mwahahah Knockout line 3 ). **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 10

"Kate. Kate." My name floated through my sleepy haze and I roused myself as the bed shuddered. My hand was being crushed in Castle's vice like grip. His eyes were pressed shut and there was a tear tracing down his face. My heart stopped watching him thrash weakly.

"Castle," I tugged my hand free and struggled into a sitting position, glancing at the clock as I went. 3:16. We'd barely been asleep an hour, "Castle wake up, you're okay."

"Kate," his eyes remained shut and he writhed, trapped in the covers, "No, don't touch her! Get away. No!" another tear slid out of his eye. My lip snuck between my teeth as I reached over to shake his shoulder.

"Castle. Come on, get up. I'm right here. Shhh…" I brushed his cheeks clean of tears and ran my fingers through his hair.

"No." he moaned again, "She trusted you, how could you?" his hand wrapped tight around my wrist and his other was curled into a fist. I watched in horror as his clenched hand swung up at me.

"Castle wake up, it's just a dream. Rick!" I yelled, frozen. On a normal day I would have dodged and grabbed it, but being paralyzed by a chest wound along with being half asleep slowed my reactions.

Suddenly his eyes flew open. The bright blue irises seemed to widen to encompass his whole face as he took in the scene before him. His clenched fist barely an inch from my cheek, me, tense and bracing for impact, clutching his shoulder, a hand in his hair.

"Kate," he rasped, staring at me in horror, as his hand fell limply to the bed between us, "Kate, I-"

"Hush," it came out more harshly than I meant for it to.

"But… I…" he tried again, sitting up and dropping his head. Another tear teetered on the edge of his eyelid. I swallowed hard, trying to wash away the irrational terror and adrenaline that had burned through me.

"Shhh," I murmured, wiping the tear away, "You're okay, you're okay. I'm right here," my hand was shaking against his cheek and his came up to cover it.

"I almost hit you," he choked, "I… Montgomery just… just watched as Lockwood shot you and Darling was dragging you away and I had to hit him and then… it was you and I almost… God Kate I'm so sorry," he shivered and pulled away from me, running his fingers though his hair, grabbing tufts of it, pulling it. He looked mad and it physically hurt me more to watch him than to move.

"Castle, stop it. You're… you didn't hit me. You stopped yourself. You weren't even fully awake and you stopped yourself. I know you would never hurt me intentionally." I wasn't even aware of the exact words cascading out of my mouth. My only goal was to calm him down, comfort him, "I don't blame you. It's okay."

Castle didn't move, "It's not okay, Kate. Nothing is okay."

I grabbed his shoulders and tugged at them, trying to turn him to face me, "I already told you, we'll get there. It'll just take-"

"Time," he finished for me bitterly, "But how much time, Kate? Until we stop Darling, you're still in danger. We've got no clue what the hell we're doing, the new Captain's threatening to close the case and you can barely move without hurting. What about that will 'get to be okay'? How much time do you think we have?" he was losing it and I knew I should have tried to do something else but only one thing registered in my mind, "The new Captain wants to close the case? What the hell is he thinking?"

"It's a she, and she's… she's something. By the book as they come, unwavering. Things are changing down at the 12th. She said the case has gone cold. That we're wasting time and man power on it."

"No!" I clenched my hands a fresh wave of fear sweeping though me, "She doesn't understand, she can't close it, we've never been this close! Where's the phone? I have to call-"

"You don't really think the boys and I would stop just because the new Captain said so, do you?" All the fight from earlier seemed to have fallen away. He sounded aged and tired again.

Rationality caught up with me and I blushed, "Right… Sorry, no, of course not." I

sighed, rubbing my face and biting back a yawn. The whirlwind of emotions, physical strain, very uneasy nap, and subsequent conversation had left me feeling defeated and more exhausted than before. I had failed him. I was supposed to protect him from his nightmares, make everything better and instead I had made things worse, scared him, let him think he was hurting me when I hadn't slept that well in the past two weeks.

"Well… my plan worked so well," I muttered brushing hair over my face, "Sorry I couldn't help.

For a few minutes Castle didn't move or respond. I thought he'd fallen back asleep sitting up and was starting to wonder whether or not I should check on him when he turned. A fresh tear rolled down his cheek but he ignored it. Instead his arms wound around my waist and he pulled me down so that my chest was barely an inch from his as we lay side by side in the bed.

I tensed as he settled us back under the covers. I had been doing pretty well with not freaking out about how physical (and God, did that sound dirty in my head) we'd been but _this_ physical line was a biggie. It was deliciously warm and comfortable here, nestled against him, being held by him, like this, but was I – were we – ready for this… step or whatever it was?

"Castle," I murmured, not trusting myself to say anything but not really sure what I'd have said anyway.

"This helps," he breathed and I shivered slightly as his breath washed over my cheeks. Had this been the Castle I'd known even two years ago, I wouldn't have even considered not pulling away, but things, he, everything had changed.

"Okay," I whispered, sliding my right hand up to grip the side of his shirt while my left one stayed curled between us, pressed against both of our chests.

"Thank you," he sighed into my hair. My head was tucked between his chin and shoulder and I could feel and hear every breath, every heart beat. I relaxed into him finally, resting my head on the pillow just under his and was lulled back to sleep by the steady rhythm.

My leg was vibrating. Vibrating and singing the most obnoxious 3 note tune imaginable. It was trying to tear me away from my hole. It was safe and warm here in the darkness. Everything else was distant and not nearly as scary here in my cocoon. But now my leg was vibrating and singing and dragging me away from the haven. Maybe if I ignored it, I thought, it would just go away. But it didn't. It went on and on for an impossibly long time.

Groaning quietly, I opened my eyes and was presented with a very nice view of Castle's maroon clad chest. I was pressed against him, our legs tangled together and his hands on my back. One had slipped under the hem of my shirt and rested lightly in the small of my back. My phone rang from my pocket again and I relinquished my hold on the side of his shirt and reached around his arms to retrieve it.

"Beckett," I mumbled, somewhat self consciously laying my head back against Rick's chest. His arms tightened around me and the fingers on my bare back trailed lightly over my skin. My breath caught as my flesh tingled in the trails left by his fingers and I glanced up, trying not to grin as I watched a contented sigh flow between his upturned lips.

"Hey girl, I tried to call Writer Boy but he didn't pick up. Is everything okay?" Lanie. My eyes shot open and I froze. Oh God. Was she in the house? Had she been? Had she seen us? No. Not possible. No, if she had seen us, she wouldn't have responded with a 'Hey girl." More than likely, there would have been stern words, some swearing and then finally girlish shrieking.

"Hmm? Yeah. He's taking a nap on the couch and didn't hear his phone in his office." I made a concerted effort to sound casual and awake. She could _not_ know how we were… positioned at this moment in time.

"A nap! Wait 'til I get a hold of him he's supposed to be taking care of you."

"Lanie, it's fine. I was taking one too. I told him to rest," I felt like she could see me, lying in the circle of his arms. She had to know. Lanie always knew. I started second guessing what I was saying before it came out, making it sound decidedly less casual, "Yeah, he's exhausted."

"Oh no," Lanie seemed to buy it okay, though, "I'm so sorry sweetie, I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No, no. I was already up. So what's going on, Lanie?"

"Javi and I are on the way. I have your stuff and he wants to talk to Castle. Maybe we can get you a shower too," I sighed with joy at the thought of a shower, even if it was just using a wet washcloth to clean up. The last time I'd had one was… two… no three… no was it just the day before that I'd gotten out of the hospital? It felt like ages. So much had happened.

There was an indeterminate voice and a muffled whack and a laugh from the other end of the phone, "Javi says hi too," Lanie giggled.

I smiled. The interaction was so classically… them. I had missed seeing them daily. Outside socialization would be so very welcome, for both Castle and me, "Okay. I'll try to wake Castle up so he can get the door when you guys get here."

"Don't worry about it, honey. I have a key. See you soon. We're a block away," The line clicked off and Lanie was gone. Oh God.

Lanie and Esposito had a key. They were coming into this apartment where Castle and I were curled up together in his bed. If they caught us… I mean, it was innocent, nothing had happened but if those two saw…

"Rick," I whispered as I shoved my phone back into the depths of my pocket. He mumbled something and crushed me against his chest, pressing his head to mine.

I bit back a smile then remembered why I was even waking him up in the first place.

"Castle wake up," I poked his chest.

He twitched slightly, moaning, "No. Go back to sleep, Kate."

I laughed lightly, "Well I would but Esposito and Lanie are on their way and if they see us."

Castle's eyes flashed open, "Oh god." With that he was up, striding around to my side of the bed.

"Yeah," I laughed again, rolling onto my back and propping myself against the pillows, "So we've gotta hurry before they get-" I gasped as Castle reached down and scooped me up into his arms, one under my knees, the other supporting my back.

"Here," I finished breathlessly, "Castle, what're ya doin'?"

"You said we had to hurry. Well this is faster than you walking," He shot me an innocent grin.

"Might have given me some warning," I grumbled, clutching the front of his shirt, and fighting to hide another smile.

"Where's fun in that?" We made it to the couch and he gently set me down.

"Oh! I told her you were napping on the couch. Quick get a blanket before they get here."

Castle reached over the back of the couch and, with a flourish, draped a silvery throw over our legs, "Taken care of." He slid his arm around my shoulders and grabbed the remote off the coffee table flipping on the TV. Women's soccer.

"Does you TV just go to a random channel when you turn it on?" I asked catching myself almost leaning into him.

"Actually yes. I like not knowing what's going to happen when I turn it on."

I opened my mouth to make a crude, Castle-esque joke when the sound of scraping metal from the door interrupted me. A few moments later, it swung open to reveal Esposito and Lanie.

Castle leapt up from the couch (but not before Lanie caught a glimpse of his arm around me and the blanket over our legs and shot me a look that said "mhm. We'll talk about this later.") and all but ran to our friends. Jealous that I couldn't do the same, I did my best and stood shakily next to the couch. I didn't realize how much of a weight off my chest seeing them in front of me would be. It was like I had been carrying around a 50 pound dumb bell in my stomach for days and only realized it when it had disappeared.

Lanie dropped Esposito's hand (I had noticed her holding onto him rather a lot tighter during my stay at the hospital than I was used to) and the duffle bag she'd been carrying to receive Castle's enthusiastic hug and chaste kiss on the cheek.

"Hey writer boy. I thought you were taking a nap." Lanie smiled in spite of her stern tone.

"Oh yeah, well, Kate woke me up after she got your call." God, was I glad I had briefed him. Being the son of an actress had definantly taught him a thing or two. He was much cooler in this situation than I had been.

"Oh I told her not to wake you up."

"It's fine. I wanted to see you guys any way." He smiled, releasing her.

"Alright… So, Castle, you takin' care of our girl?"

"As well as she's allowing, Dr. Parish," he laughed in response, doing the 'bromance hug' (as I had come to think of it) with Esposito.

"Hi, I can hear you guys!" I called, mockingly (okay, well not completely mockingly) indignant.

The three at the door turned and saw me standing with my arms half raised.

"Katherine Beckett, what in the hell are you doing?" Lanie asked, "You're supposed to be resting!" Before I could respond, she reached over and thwacked Castle on the back of the head, "And what are you doin'? She's not supposed to be standing on her own, yet!"

"You know her!" Castle exclaimed, cowering from the second blow he was sure was coming, "I wasn't there to stop her the first time she did it and when she's done it once, there's no way anyone would be able to stop her!"

"I'm still here, ya know!" I groused. I was their partner, their friend, not some experiment or patient to be tended to, "And I think I'm okay to stand on my own for a few minutes, Lanie. There's no need to abuse Castle. Well at least not right now." But even as I spoke, I wavered minutely. My legs were still shakey and my chest felt tight. Lanie didn't miss it and neither did Castle. They both took several steps in my direction.

"Sweetie, you need to sit down," she admonished.

"Not until I get a real hug." Even I surprised myself by saying it. Sure, Lanie was my other best friend, and we'd hugged plenty, but neither of us had ever really said it out right like that.

Lanie stared at me for a moment before repenting and closing the gap between us, hugging me softly. Without my heels I was much closer to her height than I was used to. It felt strange.

She gave me one last, gentle squeezed before pulling away and giving me a stern look, "Now, sit,"

I laughed and complied, sinking down onto the soft cushions of Castle's couch, "Yes, Dr. Parish."

Castle and Lanie sat down on either side of me and Esposito stayed standing by the door.

"Hey, Espo," I called over the back of the couch, "What's-"

"You call that a foul?" he howled at the TV, "Wambach got all ball!" I glanced at the television to see what he was screaming about. An orange clad referee was holding up a yellow card toward a gasping soccer player. She threw her hands up in the air and walked away as a player on the other team set the ball down in front of her to take a kick.

"Since when does he like soccer?" I whispered to Lanie, trying not to laugh.

"It started with the World Cup. I can't tear him away from it," she sighed.

I grabbed the remote from when Castle had dropped it and clicked off the television right as the opposing play swung her leg.

"Wha- Beckett!" Esposito whined.

"Why hello Detective Esposito, lovely to see you too. Any news about the case or Darling?"

The temperature in the loft plummeted. Lanie sighed and ran a tired hand over her face. Esposito went ashen and glanced quickly between Castle and me, "Man, we talked about this."

"I had to tell her. She was going to try and drag herself across my apartment to get her phone and call Lanie to take her to the precinct. It was the only way to stop her," Castle sighed, trying to make the story funny. He failed miserably.

"Not that I would have taken you," Lanie promised.

"I know," I grumbled, "And you two," I glared at Esposito, "You and Ryan are in huge trouble for trying to hide that from me. When I get back,"

"Aw come on Beckett. Castle was part of this two, why isn't he in trouble too?"

"I've already chewed him out and we've made out peace, but you and Tweedle Dee…"

"Alright, alright,"

"But for now, seriously, Epso, what's new in the case?"

"Not much, " he sighed, collapsing into the chair across from us, "Darling's last known address was in Brooklyn, but that was about three years ago. We canvassed the neighborhood anyway but, nada."

"Any known accomplices, past or present?" I leaned forward then winced. That damn zipper again, but I couldn't help my movement. In a normal case, I'd be pacing, moving toward something, working through everything. Just sitting was driving me insane. Castle's hand on my back eased me to my original position.

"All in jail or dead."

"So we're going nowhere fast," I sighed.

"Yeah," Esposito glanced at Castle then ran his hands over his cropped hair. He looked exhausted, haggard and I wondered how much time he'd been spending at the precinct because of me. Guilt curdled in my stomach again.

"Have you tried to talk to the guys in jail?"

"Yeah, Ryan went out to Sing Sing couple days ago but no one's talkin'."

"Of course they aren't."

"We put an APB out, alerts to trains, busses and planes but nothing's shaken out yet. We're about to release his picture to the press if we don't get anything in the next couple of days. It's like the guy's fallen off the map."

"What's the new captain got to say about this?" I asked, remembering what Castle had said about her thread to shut down the investigation.

Esposito snorted and Lanie's lips twitched into a quick smile, "Iron Gates doesn't know about most of it," he smirked.

"Iron Gates?" it was my turn to snort.

"Technically," Lanie said, "Her name is Victoria Gates, but they boys decided that 'Iron Gates' suited her better.

"Do you agree?" I asked. This unknown Gates was intriguing, but from the way Esposito and Castle had referred to her, I had a feeling that butting heads would be in my future.

Lanie shrugged, "Not sure. I haven't really had to be around her much yet. But from the little I've seen of her, a lot's gonna be changin' at the 12th." Well, at least her analysis matched up with Castle's.

"Well what's she got to say about what she does know?"

"Not much. Mostly thinks we're wasting out time and is doing her damndest to close the case. Doesn't like Castle much either," Esposito added the last part as an after thought, a direct jibe at our writer.

"Hey, that's only because I haven't unleashed the full Castle charm on her yet," Castle interjected, looking slightly wounded, "There hasn't been any reason to yet. But just you wait. When I do, she'll love me,"

"Sure thing, Castle," I snorted, patting his knee, but shooting him a smile. He stuck his tongue out at me.  
>"Anyway," Esposito began again, dragging Castle and I away from one another and back into the previous conversation, "She gave us a week to find something new and useful. That was three days ago. There's nothing yet, but we've still got time. We'll find something."<p>

"What about-" I tried to start again, but Lanie cut in, getting to her feet.

"Alright, the shop talk portion of our visit is over. Come on, girl, we're gonna get you a shower so the boys can have some privacy."

Lanie didn't give me time to fight her. Quickly she grabbed the duffle from the front entrance and returned to my side, hands outstretched. Sighing and conceding defeat, I reached out and grabbed her hands.


	11. Chapter 11

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**Hey! Well this chapter took less time than I thought it would, though it's kinda a filler. Not too interesting but… Some Lanie here and there. The next few chapters are what I'm really excited to get writing! Sorry about the major Soccer references in this one if you're not a sports fan. (I LOVE soccer. Played it for ages, I was a goalie, so…) This chapter's pretty fluffy. Angst to come!**

**Again, hoping no one's OOC. If you see any issues, PLEASE tell me! Also, drop me a review if you please. I really love any and all feedback, criticism, ideas, whatever. Hope you enjoy!**

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 11

Lanie slammed the door to Castle's bedroom shut after I was settled on the edge of the bed that he and I had so recently vacated. I felt my face growing hot and red, thinking about it. Thankfully, Lanie didn't notice. She was too busy organizing clothes for me in mysteriously empty drawers.

"So I brought you a lot of sweat pants and leggings and a zip up hoodie, though I don't think you'll be needing that," she added smirking at Castle's marginally-too-large sweatshirt that I was still wearing. I rolled my eyes at her and she continued, "Those are in the top drawer so they're easy to get to. Beneath that are t-shirts and jeans for when you feel up to leaning down to get them and pulling those shirts over your head.

"Until then, your button-up shirts are hanging in the closet above your two pitiful pairs of flats, two pairs of tennis shoes, and one pair of heels because I know you won't last very long without at least seeing them. They're a goal to work towards," she flitted over to it and showed me, Vanna White style. I snorted and she returned to the bag, peeking inside of it.

'You really didn't have to do that. I could have just taken stuff out of the bag as I needed it."

"Oh I don't mind," she snatched a last scrap of black and red cloth from the bottom of the bag and tossed it in to the lowest drawer, kicking it shut. My heart seized, and I had a sneaking suspicion of what she had found. Damn it, I thought I'd hidden that far enough away so that no one would ever see it. Leave it to Lanie to find.

"Lanie… What was that?"

Her mischievous expression was all the answer I needed, "Hmm? Oh that? Nothing. Just something for when you're feeling physical.

"Lanie!" I shrieked.

"Oh come on, Beckett."

"What?" She was probably one of the only people I backed down from on a regular basis… but not today. What would Castle think if he found that? What was Lanie even playing at? What was she after?

"Girl please. I know you're a restless sleeper, but that bed's too messy even for you, especially in your condition."

"I don't know what you're talking about. You must have been snorting autopsy fluids again." I knew Lanie. She had been pushing for Castle and I to get together since the moment he stepped into the precinct (Well… after he was ruled to not be a murderer.), but, god, not now. Not yet. Not with the mess we were in, the mess I had caused, and the mess I still had to clean up.

"Lanie…"

"Don't you lie to me, Kate Beckett. What is up with you and Writer Boy?" She grabbed my hands again and hauled me over to the bathroom where she unceremoniously forced me down on closed toilet seat.

"Nothing. We just… It's hard, ya know… and he's worried and I'm … worried and," I didn't know how to continue without making it sound like I was hiding something, so I opted for the truth. Lanie deserved that much, "He has nightmares. And they… he thinks I'm dead when he wakes up."

"Honey, that's normal. I have them. So does Javi. Jenny told me Ryan's sat up in the middle of the night with the cold sweats." She said it so matter of fact-ly that it too me a minute to process what she'd said.

"What?" My stomach flip-flopped at the realization. How had I managed to forget that Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan had all been there? They could have been hit and here I was, being pissed off that I couldn't really walk when I was screwing with everyone's sleep because I got back into that stupid case.

"Yeah," she turned away from her search to find wash clothes and saw my expression, "Oh, now, Kate, don't you go thinkin' that this is your fault, because it's not. You didn't shoot at yourself. You were just giving a simple eulogy at our Captain's funeral. It's their fault for trying to take you out. The boys and I love you and it scared the shit out of us that you almost died in front of us. That's why we have nightmares."

"But-" she couldn't just write it off. I had no right to do that to them and now Lanie was acting like it was no big deal.

"No but's," she interrupted firmly, "Ryan's got Jenny and Javier and I have each other. We were talking about you and Castle so get back to it." She opened the cabinet under the sink and snorted with irritation, "And where are the damn washcloths?"

"Other cabinet," I replied, pointing at the doors next to his swimming pool of a bathtub.

"Thanks. Now. You and Castle. Talk," she strode across the bathroom and yanked out a three cloths and a regular sized towel.

"I… He has nightmares and… I might have had one. Maybe I don't really remember that well," An outright total lie. Ever detail was burned into my mind, in utter, terrifying detail, "But… he doesn't sleep well and I was really tired so… I just said we should sleep. In the same bed. Just in case one of us had a bad dream and needed to… Oh don't give me that look, Lanie. We were just sleeping." Because she was fighting off a smile at my admission, giving me the look that said that she was sure I was hiding something.

"You were the one to say, let's sleep in the same bed?" she clarified.

"Yes," I sighed, "but nothing happened, it was completely innocent. He's… he's worried and scared and exhausted so I figured…" I babbled on for a few more minutes before clamping my mouth shut and refusing to look at her.

She cracked up, running two of the washcloths under the faucet, "God, well it wasn't what I'd think if you'd said, 'I slept with Caste,' but it's better than nothing. You're making progress."

"Lanie. It's nothing. Can we please just drop it?" I didn't want to think about safe and warm I had felt, wrapped up in his arms, hearing his breaths, his heart, having his hands leave trails across my back…

"Sure. Sure, fine, but you'll thank me for pushing you, one day." She cackled again, wringing out the washcloths and handing me one, "Alright, sweat pants and hoodie off. I know it's not the shower you envisioned but…"

"Anything's great, Lanie," I sighed, hauling myself up and somewhat awkwardly dropping my pants and unzipping my hoodie to let it slide to the floor. I looked down, and instantly regretted wearing my regular bra instead of one of the sports variety. My uncovered stitches were clearly visible between the cups, the black thread through the sewn skin, contrasting harshly against the nude color of my bra.

Lanie's eyes froze on the black criss-crosses, the ugly, purple, puckered skin around it.

"Beckett?" she asked, in a low, controlled voice, "Where's your bandage?"

I swallowed hard, trying to sound nonchalant, "I'm not wearing one. The stitches seemed to be holding pretty well and the bandage was all cumbersome and-"

I withered under the look she gave me, "Katherine Beckett. You need to be taking care of yourself. Just because your medical attention is 'inconvenient,' or 'cumbersome,' doesn't mean it doesn't need to be done. Do you realize how easily that could get infected?" she took my shoulders and turned me a little roughly so she could scrub my back with the wet cloth. Cautiously, I swiped mine under my arms then across my chest, carefully avoiding the stitching that was causing such a reaction.

"I didn't think it was such a big deal. Shouldn't sewn skin be enough to keep back infections?"

"No, Beckett!" Lanie sounded exasperated, and I could almost feel her rolling her eyes at my back, "If stitches were going to be sufficient, why would the doctor tell you to wear a bandage over it for two weeks?"

"Because they're like Castle and automatically assume the worst?" I replied trying to lighten the mood as I raked the rag over my thighs and across my stomach. Lanie came around front and grabbed my right leg, running the wet cloth down my leg and then doing the same to my left.

"Contrary to what you believe, some people besides you have brains too. Did you know that infections kill just as many people as bullets do? Probably more. And also contrary to popular belief, doctors are there to help! Doctors are there to help and you can't go gallivanting around like you're invincible. Because you aren't." her voice broke on the last word and it was only then that I realized that my best friend was crying.

"Lanie, what…?" I grabbed the full sized towel she had placed on the counter to my right, wincing as I raised my arm higher than usual. Quickly, I threw it around my shoulders and grabbed her wrist.

"Lanie, I didn't mean to upset you, I just…" I was at a complete loss for words. It wasn't the first time I'd seen her cry, hell, it wasn't even the fifth time, but it hit me the hardest. I mean, sure I'd seen her crying at the hospital when I woke up but I'd been so hopped up on those damn pain meds that I couldn't tell a bunny from a bazooka. But now, I was totally aware of what she was saying, of why she was reacting the way she was and it was all my fault.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know you'd react this way, and I wasn't thinking. God, Lanie, don't cry. I was just being stupid. I-"

"You're damn right you were being stupid," she hiccupped, sitting on the edge of the tub facing me, "You can't almost die on us and then a week later pretend everything's fine." Oh God, she and Castle were apparently of one mind now.

"Lain, I'm not acting like everything's fine. Everything-"

"The hell you aren't," she cut in, "You're not following the doctor's orders, you're trying to be all independent when you know you're supposed to be letting people help you, Castle said you're barely eating, and you're already trying to dive back into your mother's case. It's like every other damn day, Kate. How is that you not acting like everything's okay?"

I sighed, rubbing my forehead and clutching the towel closed over myself with the other hand, "You're right. I'm sorry. It's just… it's easier having distractionsthan the alternative."

"Girl, I know. But you got shot and we all watched and I had to imagine what it would be like if you were on my table and the boys looked lost and Castle just crumbled. Everyone needs time to heal and you're not making it any easier on yourself by pretending."

I wasn't pretending, per se. I was just pushing everything further and further behind the wall. I figured that if I could make everyone believe that everything was okay, they'd be okay more quickly. I didn't realize that I was just making it worse.

"I'm sorry," I repeated miserably, reaching out to squeeze her hand, "You're right. I'll do better. Take care of myself and all that."

"That's all I'm asking," Lanie smiled, wiping her face and squeezing my hand back.

It took a further 15 minutes to rub soap over my body and wipe it away and then Lanie sat me on the edge of the tub with my towel clasped over my chest so she could pour water over my hair and wash it. I felt so helpless, letting my best friend to everything but when I tried reach up my left hand to help, she swatted it away.

"Letting people help, remember?" she snarled, pouring a cup full of warm water over my soapy hair and I let her continue without anymore interruption.

We talked about everything. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her and her sass until I was sitting there, giggling about her take on Ryan and Esposito's relationship ("It's like they're married!"), Castle's new book cover which she'd seen as we made our way through the office ("You'd think they'd clothe her for once. It's like saying you walk around, solving murders naked.") and any other topic she could think of ("How do those tiny dogs survive in those purses?"). We avoided topics like work and cases and I let her have this one. Making things easier for her was worth a few minute details that I maybe would have gleaned from a conversation about them.

When she had finished with my hair, she braided it in a rope down my back and attached a bandage over my stitches, "Don't make me come over here every day to make sure you're wearing one, because I will if I have to."

"Yes, Dr. Parish," I grumbled.

She grabbed a pair of my leggings and one of Castle's hoodies from his closet, stating that my wearing leggings and a shorter hoodie just wasn't a good look. I thought that she not-so-secretly enjoyed the idea of my wearing his clothes and I didn't fight her on it either. They seemed to hold a certain warmth that mine didn't. Plus they smelled like him. A smell that I was growing accustomed to having around me at all times of the day.

The 'shower' had left me feeling revitalized and more human than I had in days. I couldn't stop thanking Lanie for helping me until she finally rapped her knuckles gently across my forehead.

"I'm glad to help. Now stop thanking me."

We made our way out into the living room to find Castle and Esposito glued to the soccer game I'd switched off.

"Come on, Solo, you got this, girl. Don't let Marta get that close, Rampone. OH! Hell yeah, Hope Solo! Kickin' some ass!" Castle and Esposito fed the birds as Lanie and I watched from the door of his study.

"Oh God, Esposito's infected Castle," I muttered.

"He even knows their names now. I don't even know their names and I watched the whole damn world cup with him." She rolled her eyes and we joined them in the living room.

We actually ended up watching the whole game with the boys and I honestly loved every minute of it. The game was exciting and I found it easier to relax and not think about things when the other three were screaming at the players. Just after half time, Alexis came in, all glow-ey from her time with Ashleigh. I glanced at my watch as she came in. 6:54. Yes. I'd lasted longer than yesterday and I was feeling pretty good.

"Hey, Pumpkin," Castle beamed, tearing himself away from the game, "How was Wicked?"

"Fantastic," Alexis replied, kissing his cheek over the back of the couch, "What're you guys up to? Oh hi, Detective Esposito, Dr. Parish,"

"Hey Alexis," Lanie replied from next to Esposito who responded with a, "What's up, Little Castle?"

"Since when do you guys like soccer?" Alexis giggled, as Lanie and I yelled at Wambach to steal the ball.

"Since today," her father responded, "Esposito's got us hooked. Wanna join us?"

"No thanks. I've got a summer reading assignment to get started on. You guys have fun though." She squeezed my shoulder, kissed her father's cheek again and skipped up the stairs to her room.

The game was almost over when Martha arrived home.

"Oh, my dears, don't move on my account," she insisted as Esposito and Castle both made to stand as she entered, "I have a dinner with some old cast mates in a few minutes. I just came home to change. Don't wait up, Richard, I won't be home until quite late." She sauntered upstairs and descended dramatically a few minutes later.

"You're looking better, Beckett," She commented, smiling kindly.

"Thank you, Martha, I'm feeling a bit better." It made me a little uneasy, having Castle's family so attentive to me, but at the same time, it was comforting, a constant reminder that I wasn't alone.

"Well it was lovely to see you all. Adieu," she turned and whirled out the door in a flurry of the purple shawl over her shoulders as we all called out a farewell.

The game went into overtime, but Castle paused it, disappearing into the kitchen for a few minutes. He returned with a tray of 3 beers, a mug of coffee, a bag of chips, my carrot shavings from the morning, and another dose of pills. Naturally, I got the coffee, pills and shavings, while everybody else got beer and chips.

I knocked back the pills, chased them with a swig of coffee, and took a few tentative bites of carrot. My stomach still curled at the thought of food, but one look from Lanie and I forced myself to eat a good chunk of the container which seemed to satisfy both her and Castle.

The game finally ended with a dramatic penalty kick shoot out where our chosen (Okay well we really adopted it from Esposito) team won after the keeper made a spectacular save. We all screeched so loudly that Alexis flew to the top of the stairs to make sure everything was alright. When she saw Esposito's and Castle's victory dance though, she simply laughed and returned to her room.

The air of triumph was cut short by the ringing of Esposito's cell phone. We all froze in our celebration as he fished it out of his pocket.

"Yo," he answered, "Yeah okay… 57th and Columbus. Gotcha. Lanie's comin' with me… Yeah, bro, see you in a few." Esposito hung up and stood, grabbing Lanie's hand.

"We got a case. I need to take our lovely ME with me,"

"Oh. Okay," Castle offered me his hand and we stood up to face them.

"Thank you again, Lanie, really," I said, hugging her.

"Hush up. It wasn't any big deal."

"Yeah, it was. I hate not being able to shower, so thank you."

"Well take care then. Let this big oaf help you from time to time," she winked at Castle.

"Hey," he protested, hugging her too.

"Bye boss," Esposito called from the door.

"Be careful," I replied, "And tell Ryan I say hey."

"Will do," he promised, "Come on, chica." He wrapped an arm around Lanie's waist and shut the door behind them.

"Well that was nice," I sighed, sinking back down onto the couch.

"Yeah. It was. I never knew soccer could be so interesting," Castle replied, reclaiming his seat at my side.

"Mhm," I hummed, leaning back against the couch and fighting a yawn. Now that all the excitement had ended, I was getting tired again.

"How're you feeling?" Castle asked, his arm taking its increasingly natural place around my shoulders.

"Alright. How're you?" I leaned into him a little, remembering how a few hours ago he'd awoken in a panic.

"I'm fine."

I turned my head enough to raise an eyebrow at him.

"Really," he promised, "I'm better than I was. Thank you."

"Okay," I replied, or tried to because another yawn swept through me, stronger than the other and it cut through my response.

"And you are clearly tired. What do you say we go to bed?" A kind of thrill shot though my body when he said 'we' but I forced it down enough to nod.

"Okay." He grabbed my hands to pull me into a standing position and we made out way back to his room.

"Bathroom?" he asked, pausing by the bed.

"Please," I gasped.

"Alright, I'll be back in a minute. I'm just going to go tell Alexis we're going to bed."

I leaned heavily on the door jam as he turned, "Wait. What… I mean is she okay with…" I didn't really know how to voice what I wanted to ask.

He smiled, seeming to understand what I wanted to know, "She understands. Don't worry about it."

"Okay," I mumbled, catching my lip between my teeth.

After I had finished cleaning up and getting ready for bed, I opened the door to… Castle's empty room. He still hadn't returned.

"Castle?" No response. "Rick," I called, a little louder.

There was as scuffling from his office and he materialized, clutching his laptop to his chest.

"Hey. You were faster than yesterday. Only took you eight minutes today." He set the laptop on his side of the bed (Gosh was I already claming sides? How had this happened?) and coming to take my hands and help me back to the bed.

"Yeah, well I didn't have to take my shirt off. And not a word," I stated as he opened his mouth. He scrunched up his nose, but did as I said.

"You don't mind if I write? It's barely nine and that nap really helped. Gina and Paula have been bugging me about new chapters and so…" he glanced at me as I slowly worked my way beneath the covers.

"Of course. You can actually do your job for once," I teased as he slid between the blanket, his laptop propped on his knees.

"Oh very funny,"

"I thought so." I turned on my left and watched as he booted up the computer. The light from the screen bathed him in neon blue as he started typing with calculated furor.

"Jeez, Castle, don't break the keyboard," I mumbled, shifting closer to his warmth and pulling the blanket up to my chin.

"Sorry," he laughed, "I had an idea and I didn't want it to slip away."

"Mmm," I was only half listening. My eyes were drifting shut and darkness was closing over me, "Night, Castle."

"Good night," he replied. Warm fingers curled a loose piece of hair out of my face then traced down my arm to my slightly outstretched left hand, "Sleep well," he murmured, squeezing my fingers. I returned the pressure lightly and then he pulled away.

The rhythmic tapping of his keys lulled me into a half sleep like stupor. After a few moments there was a pause and I assumed sluggishly that he was rereading what he had written. Slowly, I felt his fingers creep back to my palm, tracing designs there as he read. My lips twitched at the connection. It happened during every pause.


	12. Chapter 12

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**First off, Thanks so much to everyone who's favorite-d/reviewed/read on purpose/accidentally clicked on this and read anyway/whatever. It's really cool to know people are reading and liking this okay**** So, thanks! **

**Next: this chapter was yet again, deceptively difficult to in the beginning write, but all in all I really like how it turned out! Johanna gave me some trouble, just because we have almost no information about who she was, how she acted, etc. But after that it pretty much flowed. Also. Don't hate on the dream. I like writing dreams and this one's really important to the whole whole-ness of things. Also dreams and how they affect us fascinate me :) (WHO WATCHED CASTLE MONDAY? I'M GOING INSANE *ahem*) **

**Anyway, you know the drill. Review, tell me what you like, what you don't like, if anything's OOC (I feel like I made Beckett a tiny (well not really tiny)bit more vulnerable in the chapter, but I dunno), ideas (I should say speculation. Ideas implies … something else I guess), whatever. I love reviews :) Hope you enjoy! **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 12

_"Katie Bug, wake up." The words floated in to me through a haze of darkness that lightened steadily until it was like I was sitting in the bright summer sunlight. I blinked in the resplendence, trying to discern the figure before me._

_ "Who's there?" I muttered, trying to shield my eyes from the light._

_ "Sweetie, it's me. Why are you on the floor?" I blinked again and there she stood. Long, dark hair framing her face, self-assured and yet compassionate posture, kind, gray eyes, thin fingers reaching out to help me up. Everything about her was utterly perfect. There were no blemishes, no wounds. It was like she was frozen in time the day before she was killed._

_ "Mom," I choked, grabbing her hands to pull myself up and letting my momentum swing us into each other's arms. I clutched her as close as I could, never wanting to let go._

_ "Hi, honey," I felt her lips against the side of my head and I took everything in. She was the same height, the same girth, she even smelled the same. Cherries with a \ hint of lilac. _

_ "What…?" I couldn't continue, just reveled in the contact that I'd craved for 12 years, clenching my arms around her and deciding that I'd never let her go._

_ "I'm just here to talk," she rocked back and forth, combing her fingers through my hair. It was as if no time had passed, like nothing had chanced in twelve years. But oh… so much had._

_ "I've missed you so much, Mom," I murmured into her shoulder as she continued to rock._

_ "I know, bug, I've missed you too." I laughed at the childhood nickname that I only rarely heard from my father anymore and pulled away enough to kiss her cheek._

_ "You are so beautiful. You grew up into a fine woman, Katie," she laid her soft hand against the side of my cheek._

_ I leaned into the contact, smiling a little and swallowing the lump in my throat, "Good genes, I guess." She laughed and kissed my forehead again._

_ "How's your father?" she sighed, pushing me away slightly so she could examine me further. _

_ "He's okay," I murmured, "He misses you so much, Mom."_

_ "Oh I miss him too," she whispered and her eyes gleamed a little brighter. She and Dad had always been so in love. He was always waiting with open arms and a kiss when she got home from work, sometimes carrying her to the couch , other times lifting me into her arms for contact I'd been craving all day. They way their eyes lit up when they saw each other… It was like nothing I'd ever seen or had seen since. It was complete, pure, unadulterated love. I could probably count on my hands the number of times they'd actually fought and when they did, they always made up within the day. Mom and Dad had adored each other. That's why it had destroyed him so much when she died. A huge part of him died with her. It was the kind of love I wanted. Safe. Unwavering. Passionate. Endless. _

_ "So have you found him?" my mother took my hand and we walked around the white expanse that surrounded us. _

_ "Found who?"_

_ "Thomas Darling," My mother whispered the name with such venom that I stopped. I had never heard her utter a word so harshly, much less a name. _

_ "Mom… I… I got shot. I was looking into the case and my Captain, he was part of it. He was killed and I was speaking at his funeral… and I was shot. My partners think it was Darling who did it."_

_ "Why did you even let him get that close? You had twelve years to find him, how'd he get so close to you?" she sounded furious. Her fingers were digging into mine. She didn't sound like my mother._

_ "He hides. He hides so well and he's got people under his thumb. He's basically got his own personal army. We didn't even know he was part of it until out Captain was killed."_

_ "I thought you were a better detective than that, Kate. Twelve years is a long time to wait for justice." Her voice was shifting to a calm cold that I was all together unfamiliar with. Ice slid through my chest._

_ "I'm sorry, Mom, I've been trying but… I got shot!"_

_ "No you didn't," She pulled us to a halt again, dropping my hand and fixing me with a glare that took my breath away._

_ "Yeah… Mom, I did, look," I tugged the collar of my shirt aside to show her… nothing. No raised, red line, no black line of stitches. The skin of my chest was flawlessly._

_ "I… It was there."_

_ "You don't care, Kate. You're hiding, playing house with that writer of yours instead of trying to avenge me. What happened to getting justice for those we can't? To speaking for the dead?"_

_ "Mom. I'm sorry. I…"_

_ "Kate! How could you!" She was screaming now, her face contorted in rage. Spots of red were appearing along the front her pale purple shirt and growing and there was a trail of it down the side of her face. _

_ "No. Mom, no!" My stomach plummeted and I wrapped myself around her, trying to staunch the flood of blood. She fought me, thrashing against my arms, raking my back with her nails. It was a side of my mom I'd never even imagined._

_ "You don't care, Katherine! Where did you go? Where did my daughter go? Because you aren't her." Her blood was pouring by then, flowing in rivers down her porcelain skin, over her face, from her body to mine, soaking the front of my shirt. I was drowning in blood again. _

_ "No, Mom, please." I begged. I was choking on my tears and her blood was still gushing from her and I squeezed my eyes shut, clutching her closer in a futile effort to stem the bleeding, "I'm sorry. Mom, I love you!"_

My eyes flew open again. I was staring at the dark ceiling of Castle's bedroom. Everything was quiet save Castle's steady breathing from beside me. My mother was nowhere to be found. A dream… It had all been a dream. I raised one hand slowly and brushed it over the front of my hoodie. It was completely dry. No blood. My hammering heart slowed, no longer pounding in my ears, but still pulsing painfully through my stitches. The pain helped me focus somehow, magnified my thinking.

It was only when I raised the hand to my face that I noticed it. The trembling. My hands my legs, every part of me was shaking uncontrollably.

"Breathe," I mumbled into the blackness. And I tried. I really did. I opened my mouth and took in… nothing. I gasped again but nothing again.

Suddenly, everything was hot and repressive. The blanket around my chin was torrid and confining. Castle's hand resting over mine was scorching my skin and the bandage over my chest was pressing too heavily, baking my heart. I was suffocating and burning. The room was shrinking, pressing in from all sides.

Still trying to choke down a breath, I threw off the covers and stumbled out of bed. The door wasn't far, maybe 15 feet away. I could make it there, at least crawl. All I knew was that I had to get out of this room. I took a step and glanced up at the door. It looked further away. I took a second step. The door had jumped back even farther. For every foot I moved forward, it jumped back two.

In all, I got maybe 6 feet from the bed before my knees gave out and I started crawling. It was painstaking and slow but concentrating on putting one hand, one knee in front of the other, was easier than thinking or even trying to breathe. My head hit something hard and I had to stop. I had run into the wall. The door was 5 feet to my right but all the energy was gone from my limbs.

I collapsed against the wall, bringing my knees to my chest and sucking in a breath. My nails dove under the neck of my sweatshirt. They scrabbled along my skin until they found purchase under the tape. I tore it away and flung it across the room, sucking in my first real breath since I'd awoken, wincing at the pull in my chest. I glanced down at my still quivering hands and found four little red crescents under my nails.

All the while, since I'd first opened my eyes, until I was here, sitting on the floor, knees to my chest, pressing against the stitches to keep everything in focus, I hadn't stopped thinking about the dream.

The way she's shifted from the mother I'd known all my life to the woman I didn't even recognize. The hatred in her words, the ice in her glare, the way she looked at me like I was scum on the sidewalk. I couldn't forget it. It was like someone had taken all my perfect memories, doused them in gasoline and set them to burn.

Her words bounced through my head, _"You don't care, Kate. You're hiding."_ But I did care. I cared so much it was like a constant stomachache. Everything in the case was constantly churning through me, looking for patterns, for 'odd socks.' Everything in my life was on hold for the case. I couldn't move past anything in my life because I cared so damn much. It… her whole case had swallowed me whole and I was still teetering on the edge of the rabbit hole again, trying to will myself to jump.

_"I thought you were a better detective than that, Kate. Twelve years is a long time to wait for justice." _I _was_ a better detective than this. I could go for days on end without sleeping or eating just so I could bring justice, find something important that others had missed, but on her case I just kept coming up blank. Nothing made sense. There were so many questions yet to be answered.

_"Playing house with that writer of yours instead of trying to avenge me. What happened to getting justice for those who can't? To speaking for the dead?" _She was right. I was playing house with Castle instead of being out on the street, looking for clues. He was warm and safe and he cared. It was so easy to let myself get lost, forget things when I was with him. As for getting justice for those who couldn't and speaking for the dead, we'd done that. Done it a hundred fold, but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough until Darling was caught and my mom's murder was put to rest.

A rustling from the bed broke me from my reverie. Castle rolled over, his arm sliding between the empty sheets where I'd been laying. Still sleeping he reached further, his hand finally clenching on the unoccupied linens.

"Kate?" his eyes fluttered open and he stared at the empty bed. Panic seemed to fill him and he shot up straight in bed, "Kate!" he stared around wildly until, after a few moments, his eyes lighted on me and relief softened his features.

"Oh God, Kate, you scared me. How'd you end up all the way over there?" he scooted over to the side of the bed where I'd been sleeping (I refused to think of it as my side now. It was too domestic, a phrase used for hiding) and swung his legs over the side of the bed, "How'd you get over there?"

"Crawled," came my strangled reply. Air still wasn't making a steady path through my system and one word was all I could manage through my swimming head.

"What. Kate… Are you crying?" I reached up a hand and touched my face. It was wet. I hadn't noticed. Castle's voice was thick with worry as he tried again, "What's wrong?" he slid into a standing positing and hurriedly came to kneel at my side. His fingers attempted to curl around mine, but I flinched away, refusing to look at him.

"Don't."

"Kate, you're scaring me. Are you hurt?"

I shook my head.

"Is someone else hurt? Lanie, the boys?"

I shook my head.

He went ashen as he voiced his next question, "Alexis… My mother, are they…?"

I shook my head.

"Then what is it, Katie, tell me. I'm right here." Hearing him say 'Katie,' drove me to speech.

"I'm failing her, Castle." I sounded like some cracked out addict. My voice broke and quaked as I tried to speak, "I've had twelve years to solve her murder and I've failed. She deserved justice years and years ago and I couldn't give her that… I'm her daughter I should have… I'm just failing her, Castle."

"Kate, this is not your fault. You've done your best; you let it take you over. Darling's just over our heads." He tried to cradle my face in his hands but I pulled back again, shaking my head.

"No. I'm a better cop than this. I should be out, looking for… something, anything, Darling. He's still at large and it's because I couldn't catch him."

"You got shot because of this. Your mom would say that even in the name of justice sometimes we have to back down for ourselves, just for a little while."

"No," I snapped, "No She's say I should be working harder. That I should have found him already, that he shouldn't have ever gotten close enough to shoot me and that I'm just hiding, holed up here with you. She'd be so disappointed."

"Kate, you don't believe that." I didn't look at him and this time he grabbed my face in his hands and refused to let me pull away, "No, look at me. You are an extraordinary cop and woman. You're committed, you work yourself to the ground, through the ground and out the other side, you care about the job more than yourself. It's time to think about yourself for once in your life."

"I can't, Castle," I could feel the tears welling up, "I need to fix this before I can move on. There's so much… I can't sleep when I think about it. Nothing else seems to matter as much. I'm lying to you because of it." The last part flew out without my permission and I froze.

Castle stared at me, "What do you mean you're lying to me, Kate?"

I shook my head, another tear carving its way down my cheek. No. We could not talk about this now. It would be so easy to just forget I'd said it.

"No, come on," the pad of his thumb traced over my face, catching the tear, "I won't be angry, just, please, tell me."

His eyes were so full of hurt and fear but at the same time love and I … I just shut down my brain and let the words flow. I was tired of pretending.

"I heard you. At the cemetery. I remember everything you said to me."

"Everything?" I felt his hand tense on my cheek just slightly.

"Everything," I confirmed.

He stared into my eyes for a fraction of a second longer before pulling himself away, sighing deeply, and running his fingers through his hair, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I…" I grappled for the words, "I couldn't. I can't give you what you want and I don't want you to have false hope that I'll somehow be able to just forget everything and be your… be the perfect … person for that kind of thing that you want because I can't be. You want… you deserve someone who can love you as strongly as you love them without letting anything get in the way and I don't know how to do that. The wall's too big. You've stripped parts of it away, but the damn thing's still there. And God, Castle, I love you. I love you so much it hurts me to think about not being able to be the person you want me to be. Because I want to be her, but I just… I can't. Not until this whole mess is fixed." There was a ringing silence after I was finished. Had I just said I loved Castle? Oh. Shit.

"You love me?" he whispered, awestruck, turning to look at me, hope and fear still present in his eyes.

"God, yes," I half-blubbered (this was getting pathetic, really), "Yes, I love you…" The words felt foreign, new, warm in my mouth, but they flowed so easily like they absolutely belonged to the man before me. I started to say more but stopped at the huge, child like and yet mature.

"You love me." He murmured, reaching out to cup my face in his hands.

"But, Rick, you deserve someone better. Someone who can be the person you need them to be. I can't be that."

"You're the person I want, Kate. Not someone else. You. Walls and all."

"You're insane," I choked out, relieved to have it off my chest.

"I'm in love." He responded.

"Which makes you a fool. I'm no good."

"No, you're better. We'll get through this, Kate, together. I swear. We will find Darling and get justice for your mother. As soon as you're well enough, we'll go and help the boys and do what needs to be done. And then, maybe, when you're ready, you'll be the person that you want to be, for me." He leaned in and rested his forehead on mine. The anxiety from before was melting away and I reached up to wrap my hand around his where it rested on my cheek. Somehow he almost always knew the exact right thing to say.

"God. I hope so." I leaned against him more and suddenly realized how close we really were.

"Kate," he whispered after a pregnant pause, his breath washing over my face, "I love you too."

My lips twitched at hearing it for the second time, "Yeah?"

He was inching closer, giving me time to opt out, "Yeah." His lips were about to brush mine when I turned my head.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, as he lips found a home on my cheek, "I… I can't."

"Okay," he pulled back slightly, but I could see the hurt in his eyes.

"I want to kiss you, don't get me wrong," God did I want to kiss him. Kiss him until he couldn't think and there was no air between us. Kiss him and so much more but… I couldn't, "But if I kiss you… everything will get confusing and I won't want to move from this spot. Because it'll be warm and safe here with you and knowing I could stay here forever if you wanted to would just give me more incentive not to go back out into the real world. And it'll already be hard enough to tear myself away now." I ran my fingers through his hair.

"It's okay. I'll wait as long as you want me to wait now that I know." His voice was husky and his fingers tightened on mine.

"Thank you," I murmured, leaning in and placing a light kiss dangerously close to the corner of his mouth.

He sighed, "Always," and pressed a kiss to my forehead, "We'll figure this out."

We stayed there, caught up in one another for several more minutes before I glanced at the clock 4:51. It felt like years since Lanie and Esposito had come to see us.

"You think you can sleep now?" he murmured into my hair, rocking us lightly back and forth.

"Yeah," I responded, breaking the trance I'd fallen into, thinking about Castle and my mom and praying that I'd made the right decision. Because it felt _so _damn right.

"Okay, here we go." Before I could object, I was hoisted back into the air, Castle's arms holding me snuggly to his chest.

"Castle I could have made it back to the bed, walking."

"But now I get to do this without wondering if you're going to shoot me when I put you down."

"Who says I won't?" I muttered as he placed me gently on the bed and crawled over to his side.

"You won't," he responded, confidently, "You love me."

"God, you're gonna hold that against me aren't you?"

"Damn straight," he smiled laying back down.

I snuggled under the covers and turned over to look at him.

"Thank you again,"

"For what?" he reached over and traced a hand almost hesitantly over my cheek.

"For everything,"

He laughed scooted closer, moving his hand downto my waist, "Anytime." I tensed up as he wrapped his arm around my back but then relaxed against him, snuggling my head against his chest.

There were several moments of silence, I swore Castle was asleep, and I moved my hand to rest over his heart, feeling the steady beat again. His legs had entwined with mine and my shakes had calmed to light tremors. Everything felt good for the moment we were frozen in time. I just wanted to freeze that moment and never let it go.

"I love you," the proclamation came quietly and caught me by surprise. I had been positive he was asleep, but the rumble of his words echoed under my hand and I repressed another smile.

"I love you too."


	13. Chapter 13

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**First off, Thanks so much to everyone who's favorite-d/reviewed/read on purpose/accidentally clicked on this and read anyway/whatever. It's really cool to know people are reading and liking this okay So, thanks! **

**Secondly, SUPER EXCITED ABOUT THE EPISODE MONDAY! It was so damn good! I'm also excited for the next one. Should be good!**

**Also I know nothing of New York's set ups or medical things so… bear with me when I say stuff about that. :)**

**Alright this is the shortest chapter yet. The beginning was hard but the end… *evil smile* I've been meaning to update a lot more than I have been, but shit's been crazy. So I'm putting this short one up and I'm already about half way through the next one which should be longer. This was actually supposed to be part of the next one but I thought I'd leave you with a bit of… Well you'll just have to see. **

**Hope you enjoy! Drop a review if you feel like it Don't kill me at the end of this, please. It had to be done. **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 13

Over the next week, things changed. The first was that, on the last day that Gates had allotted for my mom's case, Ryan and Esposito (bless them to pieces) found out (after talking to one of his old accomplices up at Sing Sing) that Darling had a warehouse, down off of 81st street, that he used a lot. They'd canvassed the area but no one had seen him in several days. Just in case, 4 plain clothes were staked out around the area. The news gave me new ferocity with which to attack my lacking physical abilities.

I could finally walk on my own. I'd jogged a couple of steps one day, just to see if I could, and Castle had almost had a conniption. My stitches were healing more slowly than I'd expected but I could raise my right arm over my head now without pain, even though touching them still burned like fire. I didn't want to fall asleep every few hours and my appetite had returned a little.

And things between Castle and I… They were different. We were different. There was always some sort of contact between us. His hand brushing my lower back, our legs pressed against one another on the couch when we were sitting together, his arm over my shoulder, his fingers intertwined in mine or else messing with my hair. It was a little overwhelming, but in a sweet way. I wasn't used to having that much attention paid to me. Compliments were an everyday thing and teasing him had suddenly become much more fun. Waking up next to him in the mornings was like a dream and I had a feeling that I'd need to move to the guest room as soon as I could scale the stairs. It took me forever to drag myself away from him in the mornings. But I decided that that could wait until we both stopped having nightmares.

The day dawned bright and sunny. After a quick breakfast of waffles (which I could now eat; I was finally back on a regular diet) with Alexis (Martha was out in LA auditioning for a role), Castle disappeared into his study to try and write some. Alexis sprawled out on the couch, somehow simultaneously doing college applications and working on her summer reading assignment. I was curled on the arm chair reading and listening to Alexis' iPod as it played over the speakers and filtered through the loft.

It felt so… domestic and normal. Like every other off day was spent like this. I didn't want to move from this spot in any way. It was nice.

Castle emerged from his cave several hours later, hair disheveled but with a triumphant air of having written something substantial. He kissed both Alexis and I on the cheek before continuing to the kitchen, calling, "Anyone want a snack?"

"No, thanks," Alexis responded, barely looking up from her laptop.

"Um… Coffee?" I called back.

"Sure."

I went back to my book, humming along with the end of the song filtering through the room. As the next one started up, Castle came tearing in from the kitchen. He quickly dropped my coffee cup (somehow without spilling so much as a drop) on the end table nearest me before grabbing Alexis' hands and hoisting her up to dance.

"Dad!" she whined but took his hand and allowed him to spin her around the room.

"This is our song," Castle explained as he and Alexis whirled past me, "I was humming it when she was born."

"You were humming a song while Meredith was giving birth?" I laughed, "That's so… you, Castle."

"Hey, I was trying to drown out her alternately screaming insults at my penis and crushing my hand."

"Dad! Gross!" Alexis squeaked, slapping his shoulder. He laughed and spun her out from him, her red hair fanning out as she did, and then he whipped her back in. Despite her momentary outburst, I had seen the way her face lit up when he'd pulled her up to dance. I even caught a glimpse of the little girl Castle always described her as. Their bond was so strong and so perfect that I couldn't help smiling when I watched them.

The song ended and Alexis twirled back to her seat, giggling quietly as she picked up her book again. The next song started and Castle bounced over to me, holding out his hands.

"Wha… No,, Castle, I…" I floundered for the words, setting aside the book to talk to him.

"Please, Beckett," he wound one hand around mine and pouted a little. God, I needed to build that wall back up, just a little. Just enough so that his little pout-y act didn't go straight to my heart.

I sighed and stood up. He pumped his fist and then gently put an arm around my waist and I placed a hand on his shoulder.

He pulled me closer so that our bodies were centimeters away and then started to waltz us around the loft.

"Why do you do that?" he asked in a whisper when we were on the side of the living room, farthest from Alexis.

"Do what?" I hummed in response, brushing some hair behind my ear with the hand I'd rested on his shoulder. I suddenly remembered Natalie Rhodes saying something about it being a device of mine to distract people long enough to figure out what I was going to say next. Since she'd come, I'd gotten hyper aware of everything I did. Damn her, she was perceptive. And she was in my head now!

"Every time I try to hold you," his voice dropped as we spun slowly past Alexis, "You tense up for a moment. I just… I was curious." God I didn't even realize I was doing it until he said something. No other… man had ever asked me about it. After my mom died it had become something I did. Like bracing myself for impact.

"I guess… I don't know. It's like, everything is so nice and I feel… good, despite everything that's happened and being here with you makes me happy even if I don't like the circumstances under which I came but… I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop I guess…"

"Well…" Castle looked down and wiggled his socked toes up at me, "No shoes here. Nothing's dropping."

I pressed my face against neck and kissed his shoulder quickly, trying to hide my smile, "Thank you." I felt him smile against my hair.

The song had almost reached its end when Alexis stood and stretched, closing the laptop she'd been using.

Castle and I twirled past her and as he did he asked, "Dinner?"

She nodded, "Yeah, want me to make some pasta?"

"Oh, I'll help you, Alexis." I called as we swirled past the bookcase, "I've been wanting to get into the kitchen for ages." And I had. But I really loved spending time with her. We'd become friends over my incarceration in la Casa De Castle. Plus she always had fantastic, embarrassing stories about her father.

"If you're sure… Oh I can tell you about Dad's swimsuit mishap at Gram's birthday party." She cackled at the look on her father's face as he stopped our dancing at her side.

"No. Daughter, why have you turned on me?"

"It's payback for all the times you tried to scare Ashleigh or told him embarrassing stuff about me."

"Oh. You play hardball kid."

I smiled at the exchange and gently untangled myself from Castle, "Come on, Lex, let's-"

The sound of the breaking glass and Alexis' scream would forever be engrained in my mind. It was like white hot, knife piercing my ears. All the breath left my body and I couldn't think. I was terrified and overwrought by the insatiable desire to run but also protect Alexis and Castle. But from what? Breaking glass? A scream? Nothing made any sense.

Suddenly we were flat on the floor Castle had tackled both Alexis and I to the ground, an arm around each of us.

"Alexis, Kate. Are you okay?" I flipped over as he spoke; staying crouched low, years of police training quashing the terror bubbling in my chest. I threw a glance over my shoulder from where the sound of breaking glass had come. One of the panes of glass in the window had shattered and I stupidly thought_ gunshot_ to myself before turning back to the other two.

"Fine. Alexis?" I glanced down at her and my heart left my chest cavity. There was blood. So much bright red blood contrasting sharply with her pale skin. A small, dark hole was drilled just below the left side of her collar. _Oh God. _ Her small, young face was stricken as she looked at the blood and then finally met my eyes.


	14. Chapter 14

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**First off, Thanks so much to everyone who's favorite-d/reviewed/read on purpose/accidentally clicked on this and read anyway/whatever. It's really cool to know people are reading and liking this okay So, thanks! Secondly, I'm actually excited for Monday. Why? Oh, just, AWESOME LOOKING CASTLE EPISODE! Also I know nothing of New York's set ups or medical things so… bear with me when I say stuff about that. :)**

**Okee Dokee, this (again) was supposed to be longer, but it got to like eight pages in Word and there's still a lot I want happen between Point A and Point b, which I shall not name, so you get this. Another update. I've already started the next chapter so (hopefully) it'll be up soon. Hope you enjoy! Drop a review if you feel like it Don't kill me at the end of this, please. It had to be done. **

**Thank :)**

**M**

**PS: If you get the LOST reference, do tell me, because I'll feel like a dorky Lost-ie if no one does ;) It just fit so well. (If you wanna know what I was listening to while writing this: Of Mice and Ben (Lost score from season 4 (?)) and (for some reason this song helped) Starstruck by Lady Gaga.)**

Part 14

"Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit." My breath caught and I pressed my hands to the area where it was thickest and darkest. She whimpered as I touched her.

"Lex, I'm so sorry. I've gotta stop the bleeding." The blood continued to pump through my fingers, gushing. God it must have hit an artery. Alexis. No, this couldn't be happening to her. They had to have been aiming for me. Who would want to hurt her? She was the best kid in the world. I'd brought her into this danger and now- No. No freaking out. No pity party. No shit like that. I had to focus on her. She was all that mattered at the moment.

"Daddy," She whimpered, shivering. She was trying to stay strong but her voice shook. I choked on the air, hearing it.

I looked up long enough to check on Castle. His eyes were frozen wide on my hands pressed against his daughter's shoulder.

"Castle," I said sharply. He looked up at me very slowly and I almost started crying again. He looked utterly lost and like he was about to be sick.

"Kate," he choked, a tear worming its way out of his eye.

"Castle. Take you daughter's hand and then call 911." No more shots had come but we all remained crouched behind the couch, just in case.

He obeyed robotically, taking Alexis' slim hand in his and pulling out his phone. His conversation faded to white noise and I shifted around Alexis' body and sat by her head, gently pulling it into my lap while continuing to keep pressure on her wound.

"You're doin' great, kiddo," I whispered to her, "Stay with me okay? Talk to me. Tell me about the bathing suit mishap. Just focus on staying awake."

She swallowed and nodded, gritting her teeth, "We were in the Hamptons for Grams birthday," her voice was strained but surprisingly, stronger than it had been minutes before, "And Dad decided it'd be a good idea to go swimming at high tide. His swim trunks were way too big though and…"

It seemed to take years for the damn ambulance to arrive. Alexis finished one story and continued on to another. I didn't even focus on the story. Just hearing her voice, knowing she was hanging with me was all I cared about. Her voice shook when I momentarily took my hands away to whip off my jacket to press it over the wound but otherwise she hung in there. In the moments before the EMTs arrived on the scene though, her free hand clenched in a fist on the loose material of my pants leg and I could hear her voice cracking. Her strength was waning.

When they finally did burst through the door, blood had pooled around her, tainting her perfectly ginger hair scarlet and soaking through the knees of my dark jeans.

"Single GSW to the left chest, 17 year old female, still conscious and lucid," I spouted as two trooped in with a stretcher between them and another pair bringing up the rear.

"Name?" one of them barked, taking my place and looking between Castle, who looked utterly frozen, and me.

"Alexis Castle," I supplied, "That's her, Richard Castle, and I'm Detective Kate Beckett, 12th precinct NYPD."

There was a flash of recognition in the young EMT's eyes that I didn't have time to ponder as she continued to address me while her colleagues swarmed Alexis' now terrifyingly prone figure. When had her eyes fluttered closed? When had her fingers come unclenched from my jeans? _Come on, kid, stick with me. Your dad won't function if you… _I_ won't function if you…_

"What happened here, Detective?"

My brain kicked into over drive. There was only one reason I could think of why anyone would take a pot shot at Alexis and that was to get to me. And the only previous case I could think of that would have anything to do with this was my mother's The Dragon had just blinked, then. He was getting nervous and we were getting close.

"I don't know. I'm staying the Castles, recovering from a GSW from a couple of weeks ago. We were all standing here, talking. Next thing we know, the window's blown in, we're on the ground, and Alexis is bleeding."

"Harper," one of the EMTs called from the ground, "ETD one minute." She nodded once to her partners then to me. I took it to mean our conversation was over and knelt quickly next to Castle who was still clinging to his daughter's hand.

"Rick," I murmured and, forgetting that I'd been stemming a blood flow minutes before, I reached out to touch him. Instantly his eyes locked on my hands and a choking noise strangulated from between his lips.

I swore and did my best to put my hand out of his line of sight, but it didn't matter. The damage was done. I glanced down and swallowed a gasp, knowing the key to keeping him calm was to be calm but… God they were so red. There was so much blood on my hands and now Alexis'. His daughter's blood…

"Rick," I tried again, shaking myself and fighting to keep my voice steady as I watched tears pour from his eyes, "I know this is hard, but you're going to go in that ambulance with her and hold her hand until you can't anymore. I'll be right behind you, in a cab and I'll meet you at the hospital, okay? I'll call Martha and… Just stay with her."

"Kate," he gasped, seemingly unable to form words.

"Shhh." I leaned in and kissed his forehead, trying to pass over the little strength I had to him, "It's going to be alright."

I stood up; leaving my calf pressed against his shoulder and turned to Harper, "He's going in the ambulance with her." I left no room for argument and the EMTs didn't bother protesting. They were too busy trying to fix Lex. I couldn't force my eyes past the curtain of titian hair splayed around her which, even now, looked more lifeless than I'd ever seen it. _Come on, Alexis. _

"God, two ambulances in three weeks," Harper mused, "That's gotta be tough."

"Two?" her statement caught me off guard.

"Yeah. He was in the ambulance with you. We were the first team on the scene and the doctor… Parish I think it was, loaded you up and got in with, him right behind her. The guys in the back had a hell of a time working around him. Wouldn't let go of your hand." Oh no. Castle had been in the ambulance with me. Didn't I hear Lanie saying something about flat-lining the ambulance? It was a new level of hell that I had apparently put him through. _Don't do what I did, Lex. Don't hurt him like I did. He'll break if you flat-line. You stay strong in that bus. _

"Time to go," Harper's partner shouted, lifting the stretcher and walking briskly towards the door. She ran ahead of them, pushing through the small crowd that had gathered, yelling at them to move.

I caught one last glimpse of Castle as they left. He seemed to have aged yeas in the space of a few minutes. Darkness had fallen over him and his face was drawn. The terror and anger and heartache were clear through his eyes. His shoulders were slumped and he was just crumbling. He wasn't acting, he was just moving through the motions. A broken man twice over. I wanted to tell him I loved him, tell him to be strong and that I'd be there with him every step of the way. But the words died in my throat.

My heart squeezed watching him. The guilt was growing in my stomach again. Trying to push it away, I found myself suddenly very alone in the loft. A few nosy, straggling neighbors were peeking around the door, staring wide eyed at the shattered window, the pool of blood and my scarlet hands. Giving the most withering glare I could muster, I stalked to the door and slammed it shut with a nudge of my foot.

As quickly as I could be, I was in the bathroom. The blood on my hands was suddenly scalding my skin. Elbowing on the faucet, I stuck my hands under the jet of hot water. I squirted a good 8 pumps of soap into my hands, and rubbed them together in the water. It turned pink and then bright red as it circled down the drain. The water was hellishly hot; I must have burned off one layer of skin and scrubbed off another. I couldn't get the image of Alexis bleeding out under my hands out of my head. It was seared into my brain. I flashed back to my dream of Lockwood using Montgomery to shoot Castle and I shuddered. _Blue eyes emptying… NO. _

And without any further warning, grief and guilt crashed over me again. Who the hell was I to waltz into her life, turn it upside down? Her father was involved in some convoluted, dangerous case and there I was, infesting her house and putting a target on her back. That shot had been meant for me and there was so much blood…

She had to know I loved her like a daughter. It was the first time I'd ever really thought about it but I really did love her. She had come into my life along side Castle, a package deal, an innocent child. I couldn't think about her not being around or think of her laying, lifeless, paler than usual in a morgue. I retched at the though.

It was like physical blow to the stomach and I doubled over letting the metaphoric pain course through me. 5 seconds. That was all this panic was going to get. 5 seconds of unbridled feeling, alone here in Castle's bathroom and then I would pull up my bootstraps, call Martha, call the boys, and go to Castle and hold his hand until Alexis was out of the woods. And then I wasn't going to rest until I found the son of a bitch who tried to shoot her, doctors orders be damned.

1. The first tear fell and I clenched my arms around my chest, sinking to the tiles of the bathroom floor, pressing down on my still healing chest wound, trying to use that pain to distract me from the nearly unbearable other.

2. God. I was going to going to die here in the bathroom. I couldn't breathe, couldn't hear my own heart beating.

3. Maybe if my heart weren't beating, Alexis would have been better off. Castle too. She's never have to worry about losing her father or being in the cross hairs. She'd be safe and so would he.

4. Guilt was my world now. All the blame was mine and I couldn't feel anything but … acceptance. I was the guilty one. My obsession had driven me here and this was my punishment. It shouldn't have included these people. Not the ones I loved. Mom, Roy, Alexis, Castle (by extension). No more.

5. I stood up straight again, taking in some deep breaths. My moment was over. Now time for everything else.

I glanced down. My hands were a different sort of red now, more raw, but I could still feel her blood. It was the only thing I could feel at the moment. Resisting the urge to douse my hands in ammonia, I shut off the water and hurried into Castle's room, grabbing my black tennis shoes and tugging my phone out of my pocked. God, this was going to be a hard call.

Martha answered on the fourth ring, "Kate, darling, how lovely to hear from you," _You won't think so in a moment, Martha, _"To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Martha… Are you busy?" I hated how uncertain I sounded and she picked up on it instantly.

"No, dear, I just finished my first call backs. I'm just lounging in my hotel room. What's wrong?"

I swallowed hard, anticipating her reaction, "Martha… Alexis has been shot."

I could practically see her. Curled, red hair, and flamboyant clothes failing to support her as she collapsed against the back of her chair, gasping for breath, "What?"

"I don't know how it happened. She and Rick and I were talking and then… it all happened so fast. She's being taken to NYC Presbyterian. Castle's in the ambulance with her."

"Oh my god." There were tears in her voice, "Where?" it was all she could muster.

"The left shoulder area. I don't think it hit any organs but… Is there any way you can come back?"

"Darling, I'm already packing. I'll be on the first flight home."

"Martha I'm so sorry." I felt tears prick in my eyes and I brushed them away impatiently. My five seconds were up already. Time for everybody else.

"This is not your fault," Martha said sternly, "I'm sure you jumped into action as always. You'll text me with updates?" I heard a zipper and knew she was almost out the door.

"Every chance I get." I promised.

"Alright then. I should see you soon. Tell Richard and Alexis that I love them."

"I will."

"Thank you, dear," I heard her choke up for a moment before she regained her composure, "Now please go take care of my son and granddaughter."

"Always, Martha." The line went dead and I shoved my phone back into my pocket, trying to drown out the sound of Castle's mother gasping for breath as I told her that her only grandchild had been shot.

Instead of dwelling on that thought, I threw on my shoes, grabbed a pair for Castle (who had left only in socks) and snatched my purse off the table before hurrying out of the loft and forbidding myself from looking at the shattered living room.

In the elevator to the lobby, I called Esposito. He and Ryan were my best chance of figuring everything out. He answered on second ring.

"Yo, boss. We-"

"Esposito, you need to talk to Castle's guys. And the people Shaw and Fallon put on us. Alexis was shot."

"What?" Esposito's voice was stone. Alexis had a special place in all our hearts and hearing the possibility of her being mortally injured was petrifying.

"I've got a hunch that it has something to do with Darling but I don't know and I can't go… I need to get to the hospital. Can you and Ryan-"

"We're on our way." He was fierce and I knew his partner would be too.

"Thanks, Espo."

"We'll get this asshole, Becks." The line went dead and I sighed in relief, knowing one thing was being taken care of.

The taxi ride seemed to take forever. I could feel myself hyperventilating a couple of times and I almost asked the cabbie to pull over but thought better of it. There was no time. No more 'five seconds' for me. Castle and Alexis needed me. I'd made Martha a promise.

The cabbie could sense how tense I was and kept throwing glances over his shoulder when I bit back groans of irritation at the backed up traffic.

"Everything okay, lady?" he drawled.

"Fine. Can you please just hurry?" I snapped. He did.

An ER nurse directed me to the waiting room when I finally burst through the double doors, demanding Alexis Castle. Knowing Castle would be waiting in there, I hurried to the room.

I found him tucked in a corner, on one of the long bench seats, head in hands. His shoulders were hunched and he didn't move a muscle. He looked more defeated than when I'd last seen him. There was no air of exuberance or optimism. He was simply a grieving, terrified father. The guilt gnawed through my stomach and sent bile to my throat.

He only looked up when I sat down beside him. His eyes were red rimmed and his whole body was quivering.

"Hey," I reached over and detangled one of his hands from his hair, weaving my fingers between his, "How is she?"

"I don't know," he croaked, tightening his hold on my hand and turning to face the wall, trying to hide the fact that he was wiping away tears. I turned his face back to me and gently batted his hands out of the way, taking over, "The rolled her through those damned double doors and now… I don't know."

"She'll be okay, Rick. She's strong."

"But she's my baby. She's…" he faltered, swallowing hard and I ground back tears.

"Shh." I reached over and wrapped my arms around his neck. He untwined our hands and wrapped his arms around me. His face pressed into my neck and I felt a fresh wave of tears roll down his face, "She's going to be okay. Shh." I rocked back and forth, fisting the back of his shirt. One of his hands clung to the side of my shirt, the other rested on the small of my back.

I pressed my lips to the side of his head, "Shh. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." A single tear slipped past my control and landed softly in his hair. The urge to cry and scream and run and hit things and maybe even throw up was overwhelming but I couldn't move. I was needed here and I was more than willing to try and clean up the mess I'd made.

An hour later found Castle and I still curled against each other. The tears had stopped, but Castle seemed incapable of doing more then hold me to his side. He was just a shell, head snapping up each time a doctor came through the double doors and then sinking back when they called the name of another family. Each time, I would hold him a little tighter, whispering, "Soon." He'd barely nod and burry his face in my hair for a few moments.

The ringing of my phone distracted us from the flow of doctors and disappointments. I tugged it out of my pocket glanced at the caller ID.  
>"It's Ryan," I murmured, "I need to take it, okay?"<p>

He nodded numbly. Sighing, I pressed my lips to his shoulder and stood up, "I brought you shoes, you should put them on."

I went half way across the waiting room before answering, "Beckett. Whatcha got for me, Ryan?"

"It was Darling," He growled with no preamble, "I don't know how he got as far as he did. He was in the building across the street from Castle's. Stabbed our guy on the ground floor before he could catch a glimpse of him and then knocked out the guy on a level with Castle's place. Snagged the rifle they had stashed up there in case of emergencies and took a potshot. We're guessing he had a thermal. He left the rifle. Our guy woke up just before he got away and took a shot. Grazed his side. Blood splatters at the scene match. He ran out after that. Our guy got a good look at him though."

"Is the guy on the ground floor..?" Heavier dread coursed through my system at the sound of Ryan's static-y sigh.

"We were too late."

"God…" Add that poor man's blood to the waterfall flowing from between my fingers, "Anything else?"

"No. Canvassed the street but no one noticed anything strange. But, you know New York…"

"Yeah." I was simultaneously frustrated and exhilarated. Not much longer now. We'd have him, "Alright, put out an alert to all the hospitals with his description and all the usual stuff."

"Already done, boss."

"Thanks, Kev."

"Alexis Castle?" My head whipped around. A young doctor was standing in the door of the waiting room, looking around expectantly.

"Sorry, Ryan, I gotta go. They just… news about Alexis."

"Yeah. Okay. Tell Castle to stay solid and give Little Castle a hug for us. We'll call if there's anything new."

"Thanks. I will."

"Oh, and don't worry about Castle's apartment. Javier and I took care of it. That was, um… That was a lot of blood." He took a shaky breath and I was struck by how much closer the four of us had become. Before, he never would have shown that little weakness, it wouldn't have been there before. But now…

"I know. Thanks, Ryan."

I clicked off the phone and turned to Castle. He had gotten on his shoes, though they weren't tied but some fire had come back to his eyes. I slid my hand into his as he passed me to meet the doctor. It was like ice. For the first time in as long as I could remember (even including when we'd been trapped in the freezer), Castle wasn't warm.

"I'm her father," He rasped at the doctor, tightening his hold on my hand.

"Alright." The young doctor's eyes flickered to me but he didn't question as he continued, "Well, your daughter was extremely lucky. The bullet didn't hit any of her organs. It tore through a good amount of tissue and muscle and it nicked her collar bone though, and she lost a lot of blood. However, that said, barring any unforeseeable complications, your daughter should make a full recovery. With some therapy of course."

"Oh thank God," Castle sighed, suddenly very limp at my side. I turned and curled my arms around his waist, holding him close.

"She's alright. Shhh. She's going to be okay." Castle shuddered, pressing me almost too tightly to his chest. His face was against my neck again and I could feel his shaky breaths against my skin.

Inside of me, a quiet explosion was going off. Alexis was alive. She was okay. She was going to make it. It was terrifying how close we'd come to losing her.

And then I realized that I'd been putting 'we' where it really should have been 'he.' She was his daughter, not mine, though sometimes I wished she was. Even if she wasn't though, I was allowed to be terrified of the fact that she'd been shot. Of how much blood she'd lost. I was allowed to love her and fear for her. Even if it was my fault. She was the daughter of my partner, my friend, of the man I loved. She was the best kid in the world and I had almost had a hand in the end of her bright future.

That set off a whole other wave of guilt that had me gasping for breath like Castle. God, when would this end? When would I get to feel like a normal woman again? Love without fear, act without thinking, think without guilt? It was a vicious cycle at the moment and I was tail-spinning out.

_Alexis,_ I thought, _focus on Alexis and Castle and the fact that Martha will be here soon with them. Focus on the fact that she's alive. _And so I clung to Castle almost as tightly as he was clinging to me.

The doctor gave us our moment before, clearing his throat gently, "Ah, when you're ready, I can take you to see her."

Castle took one last, heaving, relieved breath before pulling away, and rejoining our hands.

"Now. Please, I need to see her now."


	15. Chapter 15

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**Thank y'all for reading! I'm excited that people seem to be liking this okay.**

**Ohmygod. I'm so freaking excited for Monday. My best friend and I are going to watch Castle together for Halloween and it looks like an absolutely AMAZING episode. I'm trying not to get my hopes up though.**

**This chapter was hard because I knew what I wanted to happen and how I wanted it to come across and perfection was eluding me. But I think it turned out alright. Also I know nothing of New York's set ups or medical things so… bear with me when I say stuff about that. :) This story's almost over. Maybe 4 or 5 parts left. :D It's a little exciting I have to say.**

**Anyway. Drop me a review if you've got time or something to say! I love all the feed back! Yall rock.**

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 15

The walls of the hospital were stark and impersonal as Castle and I followed the doctor through a maze of hallways. At one of the junctures, the ER doc's pager went off. He tensed as he read it and then turned to us.

"I've got another, serious case coming in, so I need to go, but her room's the third on the left, 1204. She should be awake soon. A nurse will be in shortly to talk to you," Without further ado, the doctor turned and ran down the hall.

Castle took a deep breath as we approached the door to Alexis' room. I couldn't imagine how he must have been feeling. He probably just wanted to be alone with her. Especially if it was me holding on to him. So, gently, I slipped my hand away from his and stood off to the side of the door.

"You go in first. She'll want her daddy to be the first one she sees when she wakes up."

He sighed, "Thank you," After a quick kiss to my cheek and a deep breath, he slipped into the room, shutting the door quietly behind him.

Sucking in my own lungful of antiseptic laden air, I tugged my phone out and composed a quick message to Martha. **She's going to be okay. Rick's with her now.**

I got a quick response. **Thank god. I'm almost at the airport. Tried to get Meredith but her agent says she's off in some jungle filming a movie.**

** Alright. **I shot back, confused. Meredith. Ugh I didn't even want to think about her. She was off doing her own thing while her daughter was… well not really fighting for her life anymore but she had been. But on second thought, how had Meredith even managed to leave Alexis? My phone chirped again.

**I called Ashleigh. He said he's coming back from the Hamptons to see her.**

Despite the seriousness of the situation, I had to half chuckle. Castle was going to love this. At the very least it was going to score him major brownie points.

After sending Martha a final text wishing her a speedy trip, I returned my phone to my pocket, sinking into the chair by the door. I was sure she was going out of her mind. I knew I was and I was neither related to Alexis nor all the way across the country. She was just in the other room and I felt short of breath.

_Barring any unforeseeable complications she should make a full recovery. _That meant good, right? She would be alive and well and a normal kid again. But, she'd surely have a scar and that would be hard for her. Girls, no matter how much we tried to deny it, were affected when huge gouges were torn in our skin. We felt… imperfect. It was going to bee to much for Lex.

Not only that but there would be residual pain through the scars. She didn't need to be dealing with that for an indefinite amount of time. She was just a kid, she needed to be out with her boyfriend, running around, being goofy, going to parties, anything but worrying about residual pain, or scars.

And then what if something did happen? Unforeseeable didn't mean impossible. If something did happen to her, would there be a way to fix it?

_With some therapy of course. _Therapy… Another kick in the teeth for her. Physical therapy was a definite just to rehabilitate her shoulder but what kind of trauma was there going to be left behind? A psychiatrist would probably be recommended. She could easily get PTSD from this and that would just lead to a lifetime of bad dreams, haunting memories, and a whole host of other tings that I didn't even want to fathom for her.

Unconsciously my hand crept up and pressed against my chest. I found myself doing it more and more today. It helped pull me back into my body when I got too in my head. I gasped for breath and curled my knuckles into the stitches. The guilt was blurring my vision and making me dizzy. I didn't want to carry on with this case when I was near them. Not if this was the price. Alexis and Castle and Martha. I could give this up to keep them safe. Just for a little while. Then when I was back to myself I could leave them alone and end this.

But I hadn't even done anything this time. Castle had just told me about the case. The boys were kind of looking into it. Maybe I had to call them off. Tell them to let it cool again. The thought of loosing the minimal leads we had on Darling burned me up inside. But if it kept the boys, Martha, Alexis, Castle safe, it was a price I'd gladly pay. I owed it to them ten fold.

The opening of Alexis' door dragged me out of my own head this time, instead of the pain. I was becoming somewhat immune to it. Castle sidled out into the hall then closed the door behind him, leaning against it heavily, eyes closed.

"Hey," I mumbled, standing.

"Hey," he sighed, opening his eyes and grabbing my arms to pull me against his chest, "She's asking for you."

I was stiff in his embrace, unable to understand how he could stand to touch me, but I managed to choke out, "Me?"

"Yes," he rubbed slow circles over my back, "She wants to thank you. I want to thank you too."

I couldn't stand it anymore. Quickly I stepped out of his arms, gasping for breath. "Kate, what-"

"Thank me?" I rasped, unable to look at him, "Alexis wants to thank me? For what? Getting her shot? Because that's what I did."

"No, Kate, you-"

"No, Castle, I did get your daughter shot. You shouldn't want to be anywhere near me. Hell, I don't want to be anywhere near me. Lord knows it's not safe for you to be but you've got some kind of insane death wish or a desire to put the people you love in danger or something. Because that's the only logical reason I can think of for you to want to be around me." I was freaking out. My voice was getting higher and louder and I couldn't seem to stop. _Get a grip, Kate. This isn't the time or place. Calm down._

"Kate, you know that's not true. I love you. You know that. Why won't you believe it?" he took a step in my direction and I took an according step back, almost against the wall again.

"Because it doesn't make sense! I'm a fucking mess, Castle. I pushed you away for so long and I hurt you and still you say you love me. I used to have control, I used to be able to protect people but now I'm just making things worse just by being around. This shit has to end and the only thing I can think to do is get the hell out of here."

Castle stared at me in some mixture of dismay and horror. God, I was being selfish. His daughter had just been shot and all I could think about was how it affected me and how bad I was freaking out. What I was supposed to be doing was taking care of him and I'd failed at that. The pain in his watery blue eyes was drowning me and I had to turn away.

Several moments passed before he spoke again, "Kate, did you shoot her?"

"What? No." I stared up at him, opening my mouth to say more but he cut me off.

"Did you tell Thomas Darling to?"

"I've never met him, Castle, you know this. What are you talking about?"

He ignored me and plowed through, "Did you do anything less than try to save her when she did get shot?"

"I-" He didn't let me answer then either.

"No you didn't. You were putting pressure on the wound before I could even wrap my mind around the fact that she was shot. You probably saved her life. You're the victim here. And the hero."

This time it was me who interrupted, "No. I am not a hero. I am not a victim. You and Alexis and Roy and McCallister and Raglan and my mom. You're all the victims here. I mean, yeah, Roy and McCasllister and Raglan brought this on themselves , but they didn't deserve to die this way. They were doing what they thought was right… Everyone else is the victim here. This is all my fault." I ground my back teeth against the lump in my throat and glared up at Castle, trying to get him to understand.

Castle snorted and reached over, placing his hands against my cheeks, "What are you talking about, Kate?"

"I'm the common denominator in all of these damn cases, Castle. Everyone else is gone! There's only you, the boys, and me left and I'm their target. I might as well paint huge bulls-eyes on all of your backs and say, 'Hey, take shots here' because that's what I'm doing by being around."

"What makes you think that we'd stop if you go hurt again?" He was shouting now too, "What makes you think we'd be anywhere but in your position if it was you next? As much as you don't want to admit it, we're in this. All of us together."

I held back a shriek of indignation, just enough so that it came out as a low groan. He didn't get it. He was bias.

"Because we would be," he whispered, pressing his forehead against mine.

"I don't want you to be. It's not right for you to carry my load on top of everything else." My hand came up and wound into his of its own accord.

"I've been here and I'm not going anywhere any time soon."

"No," I wrapped my arms around his neck, leaning my head against him, "You can't be."

His response was silenced by the ringing of my cell phone. Taking a deep breath I pulled away from him and answered.

"Beckett."

"We found him, Becks," Esposito's voice was filled with a kind of hard delight.

"What?" I hardly dared to hope or breathe. It couldn't be…

"Darling. He went back to his warehouse. Plain clothes spotted him about three minutes ago. Said he went limpin' in and hasn't come out. Ryan and I are on the way over."

"Come get me at NY Presbyterian. I'm coming with." I felt Castle's arms snake around my waist, trying to listen in on the conversation or maybe sensing that I was about to leave.

"Boss, you know I can't do that. You're still technically supposed to be at Castle's place, resting up."

"No, Esposito, this is my case. This is my mom. I have to be there."

"No can do, Beckett. Time's a-wastin' and we've gotta catch this guy. Now." Ryan's voice joined Esposito's and I knew I was on speaker phone. I felt my rage growing in my chest. They could not be shutting me out of my own case. 12 years of my life I had dedicated to it and they were going to go without me. Not a chance in hell. I had to see it ended, had to have a part in it ending.

"Javier Esposito. You will bring me my badge, my gun, and a vest and come get me. Kevin Ryan, you will assist him. If you don't I'll have you bumped down so far, you'll be wishing for traffic. I am coming with you," I was trying to stay calm but I could hear my own voice shaking as I spoke.

"No," Castle breathed, his arms still secure around my waist. Gently, I covered his mouth with my free hand.

"Do you guys understand me? You're not going into this without me."

I heard Esposito sigh and I could imagine him and Ryan exchanging looks, weighing options, and grinding their teeth, "You stay behind us and you be careful. We're not letting you take point on this one."

"Fine. I just need to be there."

"We'll be there in eight minutes tops. If you're not out front waiting, you get ten seconds. If you're not there, we go without you. Got it?"

"Fair enough."

There was a click and the call went dead. Oh my god. This was it. This was really almost the end of it. I couldn't believe it.

"Kate." Castle tried to say something around my hand but I shook my head.

"Shh. No. Don't…" I leaned in and pressed my forehead against his.

He reached up and tugged my hand away from his mouth, "No, Kate, you can't go. Please. Stay here. The boys are more than capable. You're not fully healed. You can't go. Come one, please."

I leaned back and took his face in my hands, "I have to go Castle. I have to see this ended. I'm healed enough, I'll be fine."

"Then I'm coming with you," he growled, "I'm not letting you do this alone."

"You have to. You can't leave Alexis here alone! Your daughter needs you here. I can't have you there. You'd be all I'd think about. Worrying if you were going to be hit. I'd be putting you in even more danger and I can't do that. I'll be fine. Like you said, the boys are more than capable."

"Kate…" For the umpteenth time that day I found us both fighting back tears and guilt was roaring through me.  
>"I have to go, Rick."<p>

He sighed and pulled back slightly, his hands still tight on my waist, "I'm not going to be able to stop you am I?" A hint of a smile played across his lips.

"Not a chance," I sighed, fighting a reflection of his grin off my face.

"Please," he pleaded one final time. It was almost a whisper. It almost broke me hearing him.

"I have to," I whispered back, not trusting my voice to be any louder without cracking, "For my mom. For Roy. For Alexis.'

"For you?" He interjected, staring into my eyes. I wasn't alone in his eyes. He was always with me. This wasn't just about me anymore…

"No. For us." I heard his breath catch and mine hitched too.

I'm not sure which of us moved first, all I knew was that in the next second his lips were on mine in a searing kiss. Our undercover kiss had nothing on this one. This one was better, real. I'd gotten lost in the last one but I didn't even exist in this one. I wound my arms around his neck, feeling the heat radiate from him over me, reveling in his lips brushing, softly at first, over mine, before pressing more firmly. One of his hands was tangled in the hair at the back of my head, the other still secure around my waist.

I clasped his face in my hands and sighed, opening my mouth as his tongue ran over my bottom lip. I was pinned between him and the wall and I didn't want it any other way. It was clear that I was right in not having kissed him the first night. Given the chance, I'd never stop.

It was as I'd expected. Every thought that had been running through my head was gone and there was nothing between us. No words, no walls, no air. Just us. Just passion and love and warmth.

After a minute, kiss ended slowly, each of us pulling back, exceptionally short of breath, and leaving our foreheads against each other.

"You come back to me," he murmured ghosting his lips over mine again, before gliding up my jaw to whisper in my ear, "Promise?"

"Always," I twisted my head and crashed my lips to his again, in a much shorter but no less passionate kiss. The kiss… oh God I'd kissed him. I wanted to stay here between Castle and the wall forever, but inevitably I had to pull away again. By my estimation, I had about four minutes left. Or maybe less. The kisses had thrown me, left me thoughtless, breathless at the very least. Nothing like that had ever happened with anybody else. It could have been hours or days that we'd been kissing and I wouldn't have known any differently. But either way I had to get going.

Gently, I pried his arms from around me, "Tell Alexis that Martha loves her. And I do too." I didn't know where that last part came from, but seeing the emotion flood Castle's eyes was worth it. I knew I'd said the right thing.

"Martha should be here in a while," I continued, "And Ashleigh's coming back from the Hamptons to see her. Try not to scare him while I'm away. I know she's your baby girl, but having her boyfriend around will help. And-" I was cut off by Castle's lips. Before I could get sucked in again, I grabbed his face, carefully, firmly pushing him back.

"I love you," he stated simply, staying close enough so that I could feel the electricity crackling in the minimal space between us.

"I love you," his eyes drifted shut at my words and with a final brush of my lips over his I turned and hurried down the hall. I didn't trust myself to look back.

_Hang on, Mom, here comes your justice. _


	16. Chapter 16

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**First off, Thanks so much to everyone who's favorite-d/reviewed/read on purpose/accidentally clicked on this and read anyway/whatever. It's really cool to know people are reading and liking this okay So, thanks! In general I'm not a huge fan of this chapter. Well, this is getting posted a lot later than I originally planned. I don't even have a reason for it. I just suck. So. Here it is. Maybe two more chapters on this story then maybe some oneshots? I dunno but I hope you don't hate this chapter. I have a super hard time writing dialogue for bad people but… hope it works.**

**Anyway. PLEASE, leave me a review of your thoughts if you don't mind Hope you enjoy.**

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 16

The boys screamed up in their car just as I was exiting the ER doors, gumball flashing, siren blaring. I wasted no time in jumping into the back seat. Ryan was already waiting there, holding out a Kevlar vest to me.

I grabbed it and tossed it over my head. It thudded heavily against my chest which should have hurt like hell but I was so pumped full of adrenaline that it didn't matter. Esposito peeled out of the parking lot, updating me as we sped through traffic.

"He hasn't left the building yet. We've got two backup units coming in with us but they're a good two minutes behind. He was clutching his left side when he went in from where our man shot him." Ryan reached around me and secured the Velcro of my vest.

"That okay?" he asked, worriedly checking my reaction.

"It's fine," I brushed him off, "I can't feel anything right now, anyway."

Espo swore as a cab swerved in front of us and he jerked the wheel just in time to avoid hitting the oblivious cabbie.

"Gun?" I held out my hand. There was a flicker of a look between Ryan and Esposito but Ryan reached into the front seat and grabbed my holstered gun.

"I had to sneak this past Gates and she'll have my ass if you hit anything but our suspect. So…" I snatched the gun out of his hand and clipped it to my belt.

"Really? You wanna doubt me after like three weeks? Thanks for the confidence Ryan." I rolled my eyes but my quip earned a quirked half smile from my partners.

The boys' car whipped around corner after corner and we kept talking. Preparing for what lay ahead.

At last, we turned the final corner, as Esposito slowed to a crawl, killing the engine when we turned into a narrow alley.

"Okay," Esposito turned in his seat, "Ryan, you and I are gonna go in first. Beckett, you take inverted point. You stay behind us, you got that?"

"Yeah, fine, whatever, let's just go. We need to end this." I reached for the door handle and the boys followed suit.

"You're sure you're up for this?" Ryan whispered, as he, Esposito, and I trotted towards the door, guns drawn.

"Ryan, as nice as that is…" I started, and then paused to readjust my vest while I took the opposite side of the door from him.

"Yeah?" he asked impatiently.

"Shut up."

He rolled his eyes and Esposito piped up, "Well if you two are done being cute, I'd like to catch this bastard." He was more tense than usual. That should have been me. I should have been the tense one and I just felt strangely… floaty. Like I was weightless. No matter what we were going to finish this. No other options.

I rolled my eyes at him but clamped my mouth shut. He was right. It was time. The end was nigh (Oh god, I'd been spending too much time with Castle if I was even thinking the word 'nigh').

The boys and I all exchanged one last look. I tried my best to convey my gratitude and the love I felt for our team and maybe the got it, but the next second, Esposito was kicking in the door.

"NYPD!"

"NYPD!"

"NYPD!"

The room was empty. Dull, steel walls glinted in the dusty sunlight from the high windows set at either end of the main room. Three doors led off of it. Light shone from under two of the doors but the third and furthest room was dark. I signaled to the boys and they nodded, creeping up on it.

Blood was pounding in my ears and adrenaline was making me shakier than I had been earlier. If I didn't calm down we were going to have even more problems on our hands. Slowly, I sucked in a breath trying to calm myself. Suddenly, I was imagining Castle standing my by side, a hand in the small of my back or playing with the ends of my hair, "Almost there, Kate. We're almost there, this is almost over. You're doin' great." I saw myself slapping his chest, shushing him, telling him to shut up but I could feel the effects of his imaginary words. My shakes receded to slight, sporadic tremors.

Esposito held up three fingers and Ryan and I flanked the door again. Espo dropped one finger and then a second before hauling back and kicking in the door, following it inside. That was when everything spiraled out of control.

"NY-" Esposito's identification was cut off by a metallic thunk which as followed immediately by a heavy thud. Esposito's body slumped to the floor. Ryan and I hurriedly stepped over him and suddenly there he was. Darling.

Bald with a huge, bushy, unkempt beard covering half of her face. Almost white-gray eyes stared coldly at Ryan and I, a heavy pipe hanging limply from his right hand and Javier's service piece in his left. The right side of his shirt was bunched up and deeply red from the drying blood.

I moved in front of Ryan out of habit, covering him and he dropped down, checking his partner's vitals.

"Drop the gun, Darling," It was the only thing I could think of to say but he barked a laugh, keeping his gun trained on my chest. The sight of it made panic bubble in my chest, constricting my chest, seeming to target my healing wound, setting it ablaze. The black of the gun… _NO. focus on the boys, on ending this, on nailing this bastard._

"Detective. Lovely to see you again. You're on your feet much more quickly than I imagined you would be. Shame…" I kept my eyes trained on his left hand. For a fraction of a second it dipped down and then he quickly pulled it back up to its original position. I fought a smirk of triumph. It was a tell. His left hand wasn't dominant. That meant his aim would be off, he wouldn't be as strong. In my head, I ran over what he had to have done to get us all in this position.

Since he was injured, he would have taken a crack at Esposito with the pipe in his left hand (which was probably really lucky. If he'd been using his dominant right hand, Esposito might be dead. He still could be…) and then switched the pipe to his right really quickly and grabbed Esposito's gun. It was actually a pretty good plan, I thought grudgingly.

"How's the side doing, Darling? Feelin' good?" I was proud of my bravado. My voice didn't give away any of how I was feeling. Rage, euphoria, terror, sadness, hatred, but if I didn't look at the gun, I'd be okay, I could control it. If I did, I'd lose myself again and we couldn't afford that.

He grimaced, tightening his grip, "It'll be worth it in a moment, Detective, don't you worry."

Behind me, Ryan muttered, "He's breathing. Heart rate's slow, head's bleeding, but he's alive."

Momentary relief swept through me. Esposito would make it. He wouldn't become another body on the pile of this damn case.

I barely nodded in response to Ryan, keeping my eyes and gun trained on Darling. Sweat soaked my palms and the butt of my gun was slick from it. I wrapped my hand more securely around it, not quite putting my finger on the trigger but it was close enough. Darling noticed and smiled.

"Ah ah. You try to shoot me, and Pablo here gets another hole in his head and then leprechaun will be next." I shifted again, putting myself between them. He simply sneered at my efforts and shifted his aim to their legs (which weren't as vital but I wanted to keep my partners as intact as possible).

"Just slide those pretty little guns over here and I promise I won't hurt either of them."

Ryan swore behind me but I intervened before he could get anything else out, "Come on, Darling. I'm the one you want. No more third parties. You and me."

He laughed bitterly at that before breaking into a coughing fit. When it had subsided, he gave me a wondering look, "What, Detective, run out of bodies to hide behind?"

I ignored the barb. It was well placed and would cripple me later but at that moment I forced myself not to feel it. _Show no weakness._

"Wasn't hiding. Waiting," I snarled in response.

"Oh you weren't hiding?" he mocked, "Well then tell me, how's Roy doin'?" I bit back the bile that rose in my throat at the mention of my mentor.

"And that writer monkey? I almost wish I'd shot him in the cemetery. Would have been much more fun with you chasing me then. But holing up in his loft with him? Nah, that's not hiding." He was pressing me, looking for chinks in my armor that I couldn't allow to show. I repressed the dreamt images of Castle, lifeless on the floor of the hanger.

"But come on, Detective," he continued, now with an air of confidence that he hadn't had when he was throwing the other at me, "Using a seventeen year old for a shield? Now that's just cold. What's her name again? Alexis?"

Anger rose in me again, "Don't you say a word about Alexis." I spit the words before I could stop them and then instantly regretted it. He had found his target now. I could see the gleam of triumph in his eyes. He was preparing to use my newfound weakness against me. Time for me to switch to a new tactic. Distraction.

"Why did you kill my mother?"

If he was surprised at the sudden topic change, he didn't show it, "I, my dear detective, did not kill your mother. You already shot him."

"Well he was working off of your orders. So why her?" I was suddenly cold. The motivation behind the crime that had robbed me of both parents, my sanity, my ability to let people in, 12 years of my life was finally about to be revealed.

Darling shrugged, "She learned too much, got too close. I sent her a warning, she didn't listen, I had her silenced. It was her own stupidity for getting killed."

"My mother worked for justice!" I snapped, "She tried to make the city a safer, more equal place."

"She was naïve. There is no justice. Power and money are the only things to get what you want. She stood in the way of what I want. I used my power and money to get it. Bada bing bada boom. That's the way of the world."

Faintly, I heard the sound of the outer most door banging open again. Back up had arrived.

"Well it seems as if we're about to have company, Detective Beckett, and you have yet to make your move. Interesting, very interesting. I assumed you wanted me dead."

My finger twitched to the trigger. The hatred that coursed through me screamed for me to squeeze, to send a bullet through his skull for all the lives he'd decimated. But I couldn't do it. Death was too easy for him.

"Oh. You have no idea how much I want you dead. But more than that, I want you to rot in a jail cell for the rest of your miserable life for everything you've done. I want you haunted by all the lives you destroyed and when you do die, I want you to sit in the fieriest pits of hell." (Again, Castle's wordiness was rubbing off on me, damn him.)

"I'm sorry to disappoint then, Detective." Before I could react any further, Darling swung the pipe, and it flew through the air, past my hand and collided with my chest. It knocked the wind out of me and I stumbled precisely as his gun went off.

Part of my brain went into overdrive, and I choked a little on the fear. It was so loud and a flood of memories suffocated me. _Bang!_ Montgomery on the floor of the hanger. _Bang!_ "Stay with me, Kate. I love you." _Bang! _Alexis barely conscious in the living room of the loft. _Bang!_ Everything was whirling together and I was losing myself. _No. I can't lose it now. Not when he's so close. I'm so close to ending this. Get yourself together Beckett. _

I looked up and he was running as well as he could, still holding his side. Quickly, I reclaimed my balance and took aim. A second shot erupted through the warehouse and Darling collapsed, clutching his right leg which was gushing blood from a tiny hole his thigh. Hurriedly, I kicked the gun out of his limp hand and kept my own one pointed at his chest.

"Thomas Darling you are under arrest for murder, assault on a police officer, attempted murder and a whole host other crimes. Say goodbye jackass." At the words, it felt like a weight had lifted off my chest as I spoke to him. It was done. Over. We'd caught him and my mom had justice. I could breathe and I wasn't so scared anymore. It was a sudden shift to euphoria. It felt like flying.

The door behind me banged open and a SWAT team trooped in. a few stopped in the doorway, kneeling next to Ryan to check on Esposito who was stirring feebly, while the rest came over to me.

…

Twenty minutes later, Darling was handcuffed in an ambulance, off to a secure room at a hospital (not NY Pres. I'd made sure of that. I never wanted him anywhere near Castle or Alexis ever again) and I was finally coming down from my adrenaline high. Ryan and I were the only ones left, along with a handful of SWAT members.

"You did it." He sighed, sidling up to me, hands stuffed in his pockets. His vest was still on.

"No way. We did it. I couldn't have done it without you. And Espo. And Castle. God I'm glad he wasn't here."

Ryan raised his eyebrow at my tone and I avoided his gaze by un-strapping my bulletproof vest and tugging it off. My chest was starting to ache from where the pipe had hit me and as I moved my right arm out of the hole, it twinged. The vest slipped from between my fingers, Ryan gasped.

Blood soaked the front of my shirt and seeped from a small hole in the arm of my shirt. Bright red spread down my chest and I stared at it in horror. No. I couldn't be shot. Not again, I had the vest on this time. Shakily, I brought a hand up, brushing the front of my shirt, unsure if it was real. Cold, wet fabric met my fingers first, and when he pressure caused my shirt to brush my chest, pain erupted from the point of contact.

"Oh God Beckett, what?" he started but I didn't hear the rest of it. My vision was blurring, becoming darker. All the strength drained from my muscles and I crumpled into darkness.


	17. Chapter 17

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**Holy. Crap. Did you SEE THE KILLSHOT PROMO? I'm dying. We have AGES to wait and it looks so damn good. HURRY UP NOVEMBER 21! Ahem. Anyway. LONGEST CHAPTER YETTTTT! 11 pages in word. ELEVEN! (sorry I'm kind of hyper!) This chapter is going up later than I anticipated. But… I think it turned out okay. I feel like Beckett's getting further and further OOC but we have no precedence for her being in love so… It's kind of… artistic license if you will. Sorry this one's so super long. it just kept growing and growing in my head until I finally just had to END THE MADNESS! Anyway this may be the second (or third) to last chapter. Drop me a review to tell me what you think! Thanks for all the positive responses too. Yall rock. Hope you enjoy! **

**Thank :)**

**M**

Part 17

I bolted up right moments later. I was lying on a moving bed. Everything was too bright and cold and had a funny smell that I just couldn't place.

"Whoa, whoa there Beckett." I whipped my head around to find out whose hand was on my shoulder. Some of my panic ebbed away. Ryan.

"Ryan," I coughed, as he pushed my shoulders back so I was lying down again, "What… why am… what's going on?" the front of my shirt hung open and I tried to pull it closed but pain spiked when I moved my arms and Ryan very gallantly pulled a blanket up over my chest.

"You're in an ambulance. Darling shot your arm. Well not really shot more like grazed with a bullet. It's pretty much like a big rug burn. But when he threw the pipe it tore all of your stitches. Huge bleed. No good. We're taking you to NY Pres. Espo's already there and we've called Lanie and Castle."

I dropped my head back. Castle was going to kill me. I'd promised to be careful and now I was shot, again, and all my stitches had ripped. Great. Oh man, and Lanie was surely freaking out. Her boyfriend and her best friend… God, I sucked.

"Lighten up, boss. We got him, right?"

A swooping sensation took over my body. Holy shit. We _had _got him. Thank god. "Yeah, Ry, we got him."

The rest of the ambulance ride was spent in relative silence, Ryan and I each caught up in our own thoughts. Secretly, I felt a little… comforted by the fact that he was riding in the ambulance with me. We really had become a family. I smiled at the thought. It was nice and normal and it felt amazing. God, who was I becoming?

When we pulled into the ER bay, Ryan jumped out and shot me a smirk over his shoulder, "I'm gonna go find Javier."

"Ryan, wait-" I started to ask him where his partner was when I heard a shout.

"You have to let me through. She's been living with me and if she's shot again…" Castle.

"Castle," I rasped as the EMTs tugged my gurney out of the back of the bus, "Calm down. It's minor. I'm fine."

"Kate!" I tried to sit up and find him but one of the EMTs pushed my shoulders down.

"Please lay still, Ms. Beckett." I huffed out an irritated sigh. The panic in his voice was gnawing at my stomach. I hated how worried he sounded and I especially loathed that it was on my account. I was anxious to see him, reassure him that everything was alright.

Finally he came into my line of sight. His eyes were wild, like blue fire, and his hair was sticking up all over the place. God, today had to have been hell for him. Without either of our notice, his hand sought mine and I wove our fingers together willingly.

"Hey, Rick. It's okay, I'm fine. It's just a little scrape on my arm. No big deal. Just give me a band-aid and I'll be good as new."

He laughed shakily, "Don't you try to sugar coat this for me Kate Beckett."

I squeezed his hand but didn't respond. In truth, my chest hurt like hell. Acid dripped into the re-opened wound in my chest and it felt like I'd re-fractured my ribs.

"Sir, you're going to have to step back so we can fix the tear in her chest." I wanted to punch the doctor. Rick's eyes doubled in size and he stared down at me.

"It's okay," I whispered, squeezing his fingers again, "Get back to Alexis. Or go find Esposito for me?"

"I'm not leaving, Kate."

I sighed and pulled my fingers away from his, "Seriously. You gotta go. I'll have them find you when I'm finished, I promise. But Alexis needs you and I can't take you away from her."

"Ashleigh's with her. She wants to spend time alone with him. Don't make me to wait all alone again." He looked pitiful, haggard and tired and beaten down. I couldn't find it in me to push him away. Not anymore.

I sighed and turned to find myself faced with Dr. Carlson, the doctor from my stay in the hospital in the not so distant past.

"Is there any way he can stay? His daughter's here too and I don't want him off alone. Who knows what kind of trouble he can get into when left alone?"

Carlson smiled, pulling my right arm up gently to examine it, "He can sit on the other side. We'll have to take you up to MRI after we get all this taken care of and he can't go there with you but for now, he can stay."

"Thank you," Castle sighed, rounding the foot of the bed and sitting as close to my side as he could without actually being on the bed.

"Hey," his fingers crept up and brushed some hair out of my face, "So… did you catch him?"

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth as my head lolled against his hand, the pain was making me tired but I was bound and determined to stay awake and talk to him, "You think I'd be here if we hadn't?"

"Oh my god, Kate, that's… wow. You doing okay?" My stomach flipped at the look he was giving me. All warmth and love. It reminded me of the looks my mother used to give me and I fought a lump in my throat. I didn't deserve for him to look at me like that.

"I'm fine." There was a tug on the other side of my body and I tensed at the sting of the doctors probing around in my cuts but I didn't turn my gaze from Castle.

"Liar," he muttered.

"Hush."

He shook his head at me and opened his mouth to reply but I cut him off, "How're you doing? How's Alexis?" something else poked in my chest and I sucked in a breath. The fingers of Castle's free hand found mine again.

"She's happy Ashleigh's here. When she heard about you she all but kicked me out." My throat felt dry and I choked on my emotions. Castle's 17 year old daughter was the most selfless teenager on the planet. Less than 12 hours ago she'd been shot and she was sending her dad off to fine _me._ The one who had gotten her shot. She was… unbelievable.

I tried to hide the inner turmoil but either Castle knew me too well or I was rusty on hiding things well… probably both, "Hey, it's alright. She's fine. What's wrong?"

I opened my mouth but then shook my head. This wasn't the time or place for this, surrounded by doctors, our insane day.

"Later, Castle," I managed as something was wrapped around my arm.

"But, Kate," he started to protest, running a thumb across my cheek.

"Later," I squeezed his hand. For a moment I thought he would protest but he just sighed and relented, nodding his assent

"Can I ask you about something else then?" his mischievous grin was back for the first time that day and I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it.

"Sure." I replied warily.

"Why do you got back and forth between calling me 'Rick,' and 'Castle'?"

I laughed and then winced as I moved. Several doctors shot Castle a dirty look but we ignored them. Here was yet another instance where he had noticed something about me that I hadn't even realized. Somehow, amidst this chaos, we were off in our own little world, a safe bubble where nothing could touch us as long as we stayed in the safe waters of teasing and flirting.

"Umm…" I considered for a moment before continuing, "Because I can't decide what to call you."

"How so?" he chuckled.

"Well I like calling you 'Castle' but I know you like it when I call you 'Rick'."

"And why do you like calling me 'Castle'?" he smirked, still teasing. I was fairly certain he knew my reasons, but I think he just wanted to hear them.

"Well everyone calls you 'Rick' or 'Richard' or 'Ricky' but I'm the only one who calls you 'Castle' and … I dunno I just kind of like being the only one." I felt a red flush creep up my neck and into my face. God, it was embarrassing. I was being all girlie and sappy and it was just… not me and I didn't like it, "Don't let this go to your already oversized head, Rick." I closed my eyes and scrunched my nose, not wanting to see the triumph on Castle's face.

I heard him chuckle softly and a finger ran down the bridge of my nose, softening the creases I'd created, "You are adorable."

"Shut up," I muttered, still mortified.

"It's true." I rolled my eyes behind my eyelids and shook my head.

Suddenly our bright, happy, little teasing world was wrenched away and we were plunged back into reality.

"Detective, we need to get you up to take an MRI and make sure your liver hasn't ruptured. It looks as though you have sustained major bruising to your chest and previously injured ribs but we don't suspect that more than one of them has been re-fractured." Dr. Carlson rattled off these facts quickly, looking between me and Castle. _Not more than one. Great. That would only add, what, two weeks to my sentence. Awesome._

Instead of rolling my eyes, I nodded, glancing up at Castle to make sure he was handling things okay. Hidden under the control there was some measure of panic but it looked sated for now.

"Mr. Castle, I'll be done with her before the hour is up and then she's all yours," the double entendre wasn't lost on us. We'd been masters at them for almost four years, "I promise I'll bring her to you as soon as she's done. I assume you'd like for her to take the empty bed space in your daughter's room?"

"Of course. Alexis would kill me otherwise." He forced out a smile and looked down at me. I felt a bubble of panic rising in my chest.

"Castle, I don't want to bother Alexis and she probably wants to be alone with Ashleigh and you and-"

"Stop it, Kate. If you have to be here, she wants you there." He glared down at me with the blue flames in his eyes and I backed off, nodding reluctantly.

"Alright, Detective, shall we?" Carlson didn't wait for my response but started to roll my bed out of the trauma room and into a hallway.

Castle's fingers tightened on mine momentarily and then slid away. I glanced back and he squeezed out another smile for me before he was blocked from my sight.

…

What felt like years later I was wheeled back down some marginally more familiar hallways to Alexis' (and now I guess my) room. Every with my liver was fine, it was regenerating healthily, my rib was only minorly fractured, and my stitches had been re-sutured without a huge to-do. The MRI had been 20 minutes of pure torture after today (a tiny, cramped space where I couldn't move full of strange noises) but I'd managed to make it through without breaking down.

Inside the room, Castle and Ashleigh were huddled around Alexis' bed. She looked better than I had hoped. Her cheeks were pinking up again and her blue eyes had regained a spark of life. Someone had washed and braided her hair so it was no longer a tangled mess of tainted hair. You'd never have known that she'd been shot except for the huge, white bandage peeking out from under her down and the sling holding her left arm aloft. My stomach turned over.

There was silence for a moment until the nurses and Dr. Carlson left. The four of us glanced back and forth at each other before Alexis finally spoke.

"You never came in to say hi," she observed, sounding somewhere between amused and disappointed.

"I know… I'm sorry, Alexis, something came up and… I'm sorry." I looked down at my hands, twisting them together hard.

"Well I'm glad you're okay at least." She shot me a small smile that I returned with some trepidation. The room was quiet again for several minutes. Alexis and I stared at each other before I looked away, unable to meet her eyes anymore.

"Well, girls," Castle broke in, trying to dispel some of the awkwardness that had crept in, "I'm going on a food run. What do you want?"

"I'm not hungry, Dad," Alexis sighed, leaning back against her pillows and wincing. I clenched my fist around my blanket and tried to stave off the desire to run away and let them live their lives without my interruption. I hated what I'd done to them.

"You will be later, Lex.' They were the first words I'd heard Ashleigh speak. His fingers trailed tenderly over her arm though he kept glancing at Castle, as if he was afraid of some retribution for touching her. He didn't need to worry. All of Rick's attention was focused on his daughter.

She sighed roughly and grabbed Ashleigh's hand, "Uh. Chai tea and a muffin then I guess. Thanks Dad."

"No problem, Baby Sparrow." He leaned over and kissed her forehead and then came to stand by me.

"What about you, Kate?" he brushed a hand over my cheek. My bottom lip snuck between my teeth and I shook my head.

"Come on, Kate. You need something to eat. I think the last thing you ate was that waffle this morning and it wasn't even all of it. Please. I hate to see you all laid up like this again and it'll just be worse if you don't eat something." He somehow, in the space of about half a second, shifted from caring father to 12 year old, puppy. And I was unhappy to say it worked.

"Wow, you do know how to guilt a girl, Castle."

"I know," he shot me one of those smile that made my heart speed up just a little and I was suddenly very thankful that I wasn't hooked up to a heart monitor. He ducked his head in close and I felt his breath play across my cheeks. My eyes traitorously drifted half shut and I could feel his lips barely brushed against mine, his breath in my mouth. NO. God, how had he gotten so under my skin with a kiss?

"Is it working?" _Oh God was it working. Wait. No, he meant guilt trip. Food. Right. _

I took a cleansing breath and leaned in closer, staring up into his eyes, "Nope."

"Bullshit," he laughed, turning his head to kiss my cheek, "Bearclaw and coffee?"

I wouldn't get him off my back until I acquiesced so, " Yeah, sure."

"Thank you," he whispered, kissing my cheek again. I turned my face and pecked his lips.

The smile I got in return was bright enough to power the city for weeks. He leaned back in and pressed his lips firmly to mine. Mindful of the fact that his daughter and her boyfriend were feet away, I pulled away quickly.

"I can't believe you let me do that," he whispered, "I was preparing myself to get smacked."

I rolled my eyes, "Blame it on the pain meds. And give me a week. I'll have you handcuffed for something."

"I'll hold you to that," he growled in my ear. I turned and kissed him quickly before he pulled away. Oh did I hope that he did.

"I'll be back soon."

"Okay." I squeezed his hand gently and he stood up.

"Ashleigh, would you care to join me?" The teenagers' heads snapped up. Alexis looked utterly shocked, Ashleigh, a little scared.

However, Ashleigh nodded, "Yes sir, Mr. Castle." I almost laughed at the boy's formality. The kid didn't notice. He leaned over, pecked Alexis on the cheek (whispering something in her ear that made her blush and murmur something back), and then trotted to the door. Castle winked at me and was out the door behind him, leaving Alexis and I alone together.

"How're you doing Alexis?" I sighed, turning a little to look at her.

"I'm fine."

"I'm serious, Lex. It's been an insane day. And on top of that-"

"Okay. I get it. I just… I don't know how I am. Ask me tomorrow?" her voice was almost strangled to my ears but when I looked over her eyes were dry. Maybe I was being paranoid or projecting or something.

"Okay. But know you can talk to me about anything, okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Kate." There were several more moments of silence between us before she asked, "So did you catch him?"

"Hmm?"

"The man that killed your mom. Did you get him?"

"How'd you know about that?" I had wanted to keep her as innocent, as uninformed as it was safe for her to be.

"I hear Dad some, and you, and I pieced a lot together." Right. She was a smart girl.

"Oh… Yeah, we got him." The cut on my arm tingled as I thought of it. The jump of my gun in my hand as it went off, drilling through his leg, ending his career and my search for justice.

"Did you shoot him?" she whispered, and she looked younger as she peered over at me, seemingly innocent.

I nodded, "In the leg."

"Can I ask you something kind of personal?"

"Sure." I owed her that and so much more.

"Why didn't you kill him?"

"Because… it was too easy. Too good for him. It's not what my mom would have wanted. He needs to know all that he's done, everything he's caused. I want him to feel all of it." I sounded bitter to my own ears, too heavy for her so I tried to lighten the mood, "Besides, there'd be a lot of paperwork involved plus some explaining so…" I forced a laugh and Alexis knew enough to fake one too.

"I'm glad you got him."

"Thanks Alexis," after a pregnant pause I whispered, "Something she would have

loved though would have been you."

"Me?" she seemed surprised.

"Yeah. You two would have had so much fun together. You remind me of her

sometimes. Gosh, you guys would have just talked and laughed and …you two just would have got along really well." I felt a lump growing in my throat so I just cut myself off.

"I wish I could have met her," she whispered.

"Me too, Lex."

There was another strained pause before she said something that surprised me

more then it should have. Frankly I should have been expecting it.

"Is it okay that I'm a little bit angry at you?"

"Of course. I'd be angry at me. Hell, I _am _angry at me. I'd be a little shocked it you weren't. I mean, I put you in the hospital and through all sorts of unnecessary pain. And for that I am so s-"

"If you say 'sorry', I might scream," she mumbled.

"Um... What?" I was thoroughly confused.

"I'm not angry at you for that! Not at all. It's not your fault and if you think it is then… well it's just stupid if you do." I stared at her disbelievingly.

"Oh… Then why are you angry with me?"

"Because of what you put my dad through today by leaving." She stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

_Oh right, that_, "Alexis I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt your dad or anything like that. It was just… I had to do it."

"And he understands that, it's just… he was a wreck when you were gone and he was flashing back to when you were in the hospital last time and it scared the hell out of him. And then when Detective Ryan called and said you… it scared us both. And I'm just… I'm angry because of that I guess. You can't keep acting like you're on your own anymore because you aren't. We all have a lot to lose if something happens to you. You're important to all of us. Dad wouldn't survive if he lost you and it wouldn't be much better for Gram and me."

My throat constricted at her speech. God, I'd had no idea that she felt that way… I had no words. There were none to convey the warmth and equal terror that was coursing through me. Maybe Castle could have thought of some but I doubted even he had that wide a vocabulary.

"I'm so sorry Alexis. I never meant to put any of you through that."

"If you're going to be around more you just need to know that." She muttered.

"I do now."

"So you are going to be around?" there was new light in her voice. Less downtrodden by seriousness and nerves.

"I… I hope so." I felt myself flush.

"Don't hope so," she teased, "I saw you and my dad earlier."

I barked a slightly painful laugh, "Are you okay with… you know…"

"YES!" she laughed, "Of course. It's taken you guys long enough!"

"Are you sure? Because the last thing I want is for you to be uncomfort-"

"Oh my, God, Kate are you trying to get out of being with a relationship with my dad thorough me?" She sounded almost mad. I backtracked quickly.

"Whoa, no! I'm just making sure. I love your dad," Mentally I was reeling. Had I really just admitted that to his daughter? Willingly? That was… big for me, to say the least, "But, honestly Alexis, you are the most important thing in his life and I don't want to get between you guys or anything like that so if you ever don't' want me around or whatever just tell-" I was cut off when she got up, came around to the left side of my bed and wrapped her uninjured arm around my neck. Reflexively, I put an arm around her slim waist in an awkwardly returned hug.

"And that is why you are far superior to any other woman my father has ever even looked at. None of them have ever talked to me like that. I was just… there. A force to be reckoned with for my father's attention. But with you… You love him and you're willing to give him up for me? That's… You're… There's room for you in our lives. There's actually an empty space that's been waiting for you."

I blamed the lump in my throat and the sting behind my eyes on the stress of the day but that didn't stop them from coming.

"Thank you, Alexis." I managed. The hug ended naturally and I shifted over on my bed, patting the space beside me. Alexis clambered in and I put my good arm around her shoulders, careful not to touch her bandage.

"Let's see what's on the hospital net work," I muttered, flipping on the TV. It bloomed to life and I bit back a smile. Temptation Lane was on.

"You okay with this?" I asked, nodding at the TV.

"Yes! Don't tell Dad, but I've been watching this since your case with that screenwriter." She smiled up at me from her position against my shoulder.

I smirked, "Your secret's safe with me."

An hour later, Alexis was passed out against my side, after succumbing to the exhaustion from her day. I knew we'd both come down off our respective highs but for the time being, I was content to watch Angela Cannon and Joseph Fox try to work out their issues and run my fingers over Alexis' silky braid. Curled up on my hospital bed like this took me back to moments with my mom when I was sick. We'd snuggle up under a blanket and nurse huge mugs of hot chocolate and conjecture about future plot lines. It was just our time and it was nice.

My head was drooping to rest against the crown of hers when the door creaked open and Castle stuck his head in. The previously hard lines of his face softened as he glanced at the scene. Alexis and I curled up together, watching his closet-favorite show… the look on his face as he watched us could only be described as adorable. The love (paternal or otherwise) shining in his eyes made my chest tighten with… joy.

"Hey," I murmured, fighting off a blush and biting my lip as he and Ashleigh came in.

"Hi." He leaned over and kissed my forehead and then Alexis'. She stirred at the contact and opened her eyes blearily.

"Hi Dad." She said sleepily, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"Hey pumpkin. You hungry yet?" he asked, affectionately running a hand over her cheek.

"Mhm." She swung her legs over the bed, adjusted the sling with a wince, and stood up, tottering over to her bed where Ashleigh held her tea and muffin. She clambered up in her bed and then tugged Ashleigh up next to her, snuggling against his shoulder. Her boyfriend looked half terrified, but when he saw that Castle wasn't coming after him with a turn-of-the-century pistol, he relaxed, wrapping his arms around her and placing a gentle kiss at her temple.

I smirked at the torn look on Castle's face as he watched them. To distract him, I took his hand, "Let her have her moment with him. He's more than proven himself."

Castle sighed, "Yeah. He was anxious to get back as soon as we left. I felt the same way so I figured he must feel at least a fraction for her of what I feel for you."

My face was hot all over again and I turned away, "Come on, Castle. That's a little corny."

"And you love it," he leaned in. Oh no, not again. But my heart was beating erratically, painfully against my stitches.

But I wasn't scared suddenly, "Yeah… I do." I closed the space between us and pressed our lips together. A smile lifted the corners of his mouth and I pulled away.

"I don't think I'll ever get used to you doing that." He breathed. Another slightly corny line but it was so true that I didn't care.

"I don't think I will either," I smiled easily and then added, "At least I hope not…" he pulled back looking affronted.

"Well then I'll just go and we can find out." He started to walk away but grabbed his arm. I was momentarily seized with a fear that he was going to leave, really leave and I would be alone again. As soon as he turned back to face me, I tried to hide it but from the look on his face, I didn't do a good enough job. Shit. This was going to be a long road…

"Hey," he whispered, sitting down on my bed, "I'm not going anywhere."

"I know," I mumbled miserably, ashamed of my clingy reaction, "I'm sorry. I'm being stupid, I didn't mean to…"

His fingers slid under my chin and forced my face up, "Don't apologize. It's okay. You've had a hell of a… month. And there is nothing for you to apologize for. Okay?"

"But it was a completely irrational reacti-" I started.

His fingers over my lips silenced me, "No. Stop that. It's okay. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Alright?"

Mutely, I nodded.

"Good." He drew his legs up on my bed and reached over to pick up the cup and paper bag off the tray that sat beside my bed.

"Hungry? I got a pumpkin scone too, if the bear claw doesn't sound appealing. And another muffin if you want that."

My stomach was still twisted in knots and the though of eating coupled with pain-meds and the stress of my day was making me feel slightly nauseous, "Maybe just the coffee?"

"Kate." His pleading tone was back but I was going to stand firm on this one.

"I'll have a bite of… something but I really don't feel like much, Castle."

He sighed, "Fine. Try the pumpkin scone then." He pulled it out and held it to my lips.

"I can still feed my- Mmph!" I started to protest to him trying to feed me when he shoved a bite of scone in my mouth. Out of habit I chewed and swallowed flaky goodness. God, it was good. Maybe I'd rethink this not hungry thing.

I moaned as the food slid down my throat, "Okay… maybe I'll eat that." I reached over and plucked it from his hand, nibbling off another bite.

"I thought you might." He laughed, passing me my coffee cup and pulling his own toward him.

"Bite?" I asked, holding a pinch of the pastry in his direction. He grabbed my wrist and directed my hand to his mouth, plucking the morsel from between my fingers. I rolled my eyes but allowed it.

Suddenly the door banged open and in a flurry of red hair, bright pink pumps and a green scarf, Martha Rogers entered the room. With a strangled cry, she flew across the room at Alexis. Ashleigh, very nimbly, jumped out of her way just before she had taken Alexis in her arms.

"Oh my dear granddaughter, I am so sorry I wasn't here." There was a hitch in her voice and I watched as she held on the younger red head fiercely. Alexis winced horribly but grabbed her grandmother gingerly with the other arm.

"Ouch, Gram. Hi. It's okay. Can you just…"

Castle withdrew himself from my side and hurried to detach his mother from Alexis.

"She's alright, Mother, don't smother her."

Martha hiccupped a sigh and wiped her face, "I know, I just felt like a terrible grandmother, not being here for her after such an ordeal."

The three sips of coffee and half a scone that had recently settled in my stomach were suddenly desperate to come back up. The guilt was back again, except this time it was Martha who was killing me. I tried to breathe around the wave but I hardly felt like I was taking anything in. Castle glanced over his mother's shoulder and saw my expression. He got that torn, scared look on his face again and that was what drew me out of my pit. Castle already had enough to deal with. Me breaking down didn't need to be added to the list.

Shakily I pulled in a real breath, wincing at my broken rib but I got enough control to shoot him wobbly smile which seemed to placate him momentarily.

"It's okay mother. We all took good care of her. The doctors, Ashleigh, Kate. Everything's alright."

Suddenly, Martha turned to glance at my bed, which she had apparently not noticed in her haste to reach Alexis.

"Kate, my dear what are you doing here?"

I ran a hand through my hair and offered a wavering laugh, "It's a really long story, Martha."

…

By the time the story had been explained again, Castle was back on my bed, an arm secure around me and Ashleigh had his head resting on Alexis' lap so she could hold her grandmother's hand. It was the first time I'd really told anyone what had happened in the warehouse and though I glossed over some of the scarier parts, the story left everyone more emotionally and mentally drained than before.

"Mother, why don't you go home? I'll stay here with the girls. You can take Ashleigh back to his house and you can both come back first thing in the morning?" Castle's fingers traced patterns over my arm and the fingers of my left hand played idly with the hem of his shirt.

"In a few minutes, Darling," Martha's quiet reply came. Ashleigh glanced at Rick and spoke up.

"If it's alright Mr. Castle I'd like to stay a little while longer as well." He'd lost some of the fear in his eyes but behind it there was something like blazing determination. My respect for Alexis' boyfriend grew more.

Castle must have seen it to because he nodded. They both relaxed, speaking softly to Alexis.

Castle nuzzled his head into my hair, "I almost lost you today. Again. When are you going to learn?"

There was an overtone of joking but the intent was clear, "I'm sorry," I whispered back, "Hopefully this'll be the last time."

His lips ghosted over my neck, "God, I hope so."


	18. Chapter 18

Epilogue

THREE DAYS LATER

The shadows of Castle's bedroom slithered over the floor toward his bed where I was huddled. The dream had woken me, and I lay there, fighting off a scream, tears, and cold sweat. It wasn't the first, but it was the first back at Castle's. Alexis and I had been discharged earlier that day and, after some takeout and half a movie, everyone had crashed pretty hard.

The euphoria from a few days previously had long since worn off and I felt… empty. Well, when I allowed myself to dwell on the darkness, I did. But when I saw Alexis smile or laugh, or when I felt Castle's arms sneak around my waist or shoulders, leaning in to steal a kiss, it was different. But when he was asleep or I was alone, the sucking hole of my brain opened wide.

Castle had tried to stay with us at the hospital but between the two of us waking from nightmares every few hours on the first night, he barely got any sleep himself. After that night, we double teamed him and demanded that he go home and sleep. It took more than an hour, serious pouting (on Alexis' part) and some "bribery" on my part, but he finally acquiesced. By no means did the dreams abate but we both felt better knowing her dad didn't have to deal with us anymore. In the middle of our first night alone, Alexis had crawled over into my bed and we slept alternately. She got a couple of hours, and then woke up almost violently from a nightmare, making my entire body ache for what she was going through. Once I'd calmed her down (trying and failing to coax her back to sleep) she demanded that I take my turn.

At first it was hard, falling asleep. Every part of me protested showing Alexis the weaker side of me that would surely rear its ugly head when I woke up. So I faked the first night for a while. And then I 'woke up' and told her to go to sleep. The next day I pretended to have gotten a great night's sleep, for everyone's benefit, but by nightfall, I was exhausted. Still, I pushed the first sleep on Alexis. She woke up in a similar state as the previous night and once her sobs had finished echoing off the walls (They were going to echo in my head for several months) she turned to me.

"I know you didn't sleep last night."

I sighed and gave up easily that night, allowing sleep to pull me under.

It was a good system (when I didn't wake up screaming and need Castle's 17 year old daughter to talk me down. It had horrified me when she had to and that was why I'd become a master at repressing things, even in dreams now), although the nurses weren't too fond of trying to check both our vitals from one bed.

Shivering, I reached for the other side of the bed, wanting to just touch him, his arm, his face, anything to reassure me that he was still there. But there was no Castle on the other side, though the sheets still held some residual heat. He hadn't been gone long. Slowly, I sat up, hissing a breath through my nose. A light clicked on in the bathroom and I saw shadows moving underneath it. Castle. If I waited a few seconds or a few minutes, he'd come out and I'd see that he was alright. We'd go back to sleep and everything would be okay.

And then suddenly I didn't want to see him. I didn't want the guarded looks he was giving me; didn't want to feel responsible for the pain in his eyes. I didn't want him to crawl back into bed and hold me like I deserved it because no matter how much I tried, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd caused everything to go wrong.

The toilet flushed and I had to move. I couldn't see him. As quickly as I could, I rolled out of the bed and padded over to the door. The sink was running for longer than normal. It was like he knew I needed the extra time. The water shut off just as I closed the door behind me as quietly as possible.

The loft was dark and empty as I tottered to the kitchen. The click of the light switch sounded like the roar of a jet engine in the silence and I half expected Castle to come barreling out of his room but, I remained the only mouse awake in the house.

Just so I didn't remain idle, itching for something to do with my hands, I plucked a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water. Slowly, carefully, I drained it, trying to get exactly the same amount of water in each swallow. The task had me fully distracted, at least for a few minutes but it was enough. The weight that I'd felt against my chest had eased to a dull pressure. Uncomfortable but manageable.

I was stealing myself to go back to bed when I heard it. It wasn't much actually, just a muffled sound. A whimper, but I knew it too well already. Before I knew it, I was scaling the stairs much quicker than I should have been (adrenaline was doing a number on me recently) and then I stood, wheezing, outside her room. For a moment I paused, listening. The whimpering noise came again, clearer now that I was so near.

So I knocked, "Alexis, are you awake?" I got no verbal response just another noise.

"Lex," I called through the door again, "I'm coming in, okay?" Again no answer, so, cautiously, I turned the door knob and slipped inside. In any other circumstance I would have looked around her room but all my attention was focused on her.

She was curled in a ball, the sheets in tangled mess around her. Her hair had come out of the braid Castle had helped me put it in before she went to bed and now frayed out around her cheeks which were wet with tears.

"Alexis." How did I end up knelt next to her bed? Carefully, I reached out a hand and smoothed some hair away from her face, drying the tears. She shuddered at my touch and then her eyes shot open.

"It's alright. Hey, you're safe." Her eyes were wild and couldn't seem to settle on one thing. I'd seen it before. Hell I'd been it just a few minutes ago. Slowly, deliberately, I put my hands on each side of her face, ignoring the burn in my chest as it pressed against the side of her bed.

"Alexis, look at me. You're okay. Nothing's going to hurt you. Do you want me to get your dad?" Her eyes finally locked on mine. They were swimming with tears and still filled with terror but she was focusing on something now. Good.

"Hey, there, sweetie."

"No," She mumbled.

I withdrew my hands, "Okay, shh." but she latched on to them, holding them to her face,

"NO," she said more forcefully this time, "Don't leave. Don't get my dad."

"Alexis I'm sure he'd want to-"

"No," she half wailed, "Please."

"Okay, okay I won't. I'll stay here if you want me."

She nodded, and I could feel her hand shaking against mine. Another tear leaked out of her eye. I caught it and brushed her cheek.

"Shh. Hey." There was a lump in my throat now, watching her and I tried to swallow it away, "Does your shoulder hurt?"

Her eyes slipped closed for a moment, taking a deep breath and when she opened them again some of the blind panic was gone. Then she shrugged, sitting up a little. I glanced down at my watch. 3:28. Mentally I counted backwards to nine o'clock. I supposed it was about six hours between when she'd last taken a pill and now. If it eased her pain and helped her sleep, it was what she needed.

I kept one hand against her hair, swiveled slowly and found the little orange pill bottle on her nightstand. Squinting in the darkness I made out the words "one capsule every six to eight hours," on the label along with "Side-effects may include: Nausea, numbness of the toes, irritability, increased thirst, and most commonly drowsiness". Good.

I shook a pill into my hand and gave it to her then passed her the half empty glass of water that had been sitting next to the bottle. She took them willingly before collapsing listlessly against her pillows.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked quietly, running my hand gently over her hair.

She shook her head, "Will you just stay in here for a little bit?"

"Of course." I shifted so I could sit more comfortably against the bed, leaning my head against my left arm and wrapping the right one around my stomach.

"Kate?" Alexis sounded so young and I felt her reach for my hand.

"Mhm?" I gripped her hand back, wracking my brains for something to ease her pain.

"Will you tell me a story about you and Dad or the guys or something?" she murmured.

"Okay. Uh… Oh. Lanie can't win at darts, unless she's drunk."

A quiet chuckle rose from the bed, "Really?"

"Yep. We all found that out a couple years ago. The boys and your dad and Lanie and I all went to grab a drink, I think it was just after he got the Old Haunt actually. But anyway. Lanie and Esposito had just gotten together and we were celebrating closing a case. He promised to teach her to play darts but after a couple times of her throwing a dart and almost hitting someone sitting at the bar, they decided to lay off. So we all sat around and drank and talked and … well Lanie had a LOT to drink. So she dragged Esposito back to the dart board. Some how she got a bulls-eye every single time."

"No way." The remark was quiet and I could feel Alexis' hand loosening in mine.

"Yep, every time. I don't know how or why but that's how it goes all the time now..."

"Hmm…" I glanced up and found Alexis' eyes half closed.

"You feeling better now, Lex?" I murmured, forcing myself to my knees next to her bed.

"Mmm." She curled on her side around our hands and burrowed her head into the pillow.

"Thank you, Kate."

"Don't mention it, kiddo. I owe you from the hospital."

Her brow furrowed weakly, "Don't owe me anything."

"Shhh. We'll argue that later. Sleep for now."

She nodded some what hesitantly, but her eyes had fallen the rest of the way closed and her hand slackened in mine. I waited for several minutes, but when nothing but the sound of her even breathing filled the room, I gently pulled my hand from hers, and leaned over to kiss her forehead, grinding my teeth as I bent, wrinkling the stitches in my chest.

Sighing, I turned to go back downstairs. There was no way I was going to be able to get back to bed now. My mind had gone into overdrive, second guessing myself, berating myself, trying to justify myself but nothing seemed a good enough reason for me to have done this to Alexis. Not solving the case, not loving Castle (which I was seeing as selfish), not even justice for my mom was worth putting that girl through all of this. Nothing.

My mental diatribe was cut off by the silhouette in the door.

"Oh. Um. I was just… I got up to get some water and I heard her and just… came up," I started to ramble, drifting towards the door, "I'm sorry if I… over stepped or encroached on some paternal duty you-" I was cut off by Castle's arms winding around my waist and pulling me against his chest.

"I love you," he murmured simply into my hair.

Slowly I linked my arms behind his neck, pressing my face against his shoulder and breathing in that scent that was just patentably his. Slowly he walked us backwards out of Alexis' room, shutting the door as we went. Once we were out in the hall, he tightened his grip and lifted me onto my toes. I did my best not to wince as the tender skin around my stitches crushed against him but he felt the slightest tensing in my body and started to pull away.

"No," I mumbled clasping my opposite forearms around his neck. A chuckle rumbled in his chest and he replaced his arms, still moving back until he hit the wall, and slid down, placing me between his legs. Slowly, I let go of his neck and turned around, leaning my back against his chest and resting my hands on his thigh. One of his arms curled around my waist and the other wrapped over my hand.

"She okay?" he whispered.

"Mmm… She's in less pain and back asleep if that's what you mean."

"It's enough for now, I suppose," he sighed, sounding for all the world like a lost man again. My heart rose to my throat, "And you?"

I shrugged, twisting my hand around to lace out fingers lightly. I was long past trying to lie to him. He's stripped away my wall and cut away the part of me that had the ability to hide or at least in most part.

"Because I think you are in far too much pain and you won't sleep."

"I'm alright Castle. My chest doesn't hurt that bad."

"You know that's not what I mean," he whispered and I fought of a shudder as his lips brushed my ear, "None of this is your fault, Kate."

I made a noncommittal noise in the back of my throat, not trusting myself to speak. He was bias. He didn't see things the way I did. The acute danger I'd placed his daughter in, placed him in. It was over now, yes, but what if there was a … serial killer, or a sniper, or something as equally heinous and something happened to one of them because of their connection to me. The danger was never ending.

"How can you even think that you've done anything less than make us happy when you're around?" his fingers crept under the hem of my shirt, gently skimming over the skin between my navel and the waistband of my sweats. I fought off a tremble of pleasure.

"Because she got shot," the third shiver had nothing to do with the pattern his fingers were tracing on my hip bones, "And you're having nightmares. And I'm a mess that just… screwing everything up. And that's not what I want. I want you and Alexis to be happy and safe and not hurt. It's…" I didn't even know where I was going. There were no words to convey to him how freaking terrified I was. No way to make him understand the spiraling turmoil that was sucking at my gut, my chest, everything was just dark and terrifying and I couldn't breathe.

"Kate, hey, shh. It'll be okay. Breathe. I'm alive, Alexis is alive, you're alive. No one's going to hurt us again." His fingers slipped away from mine and I felt myself tense up but his arm just slid under my legs, the one around my waist coming to cradle my back. Suddenly I was in the air and Castle's gait was slow and measured. I locked my arms around his neck, trying to take in his smell again but I was just gasping for breath against his neck.

"Shh. Kate. It's okay." Castle had stopped moving and I was in his lap somehow. His hands were on my face and he was forcing me around to look at him, "Look at me, just at me. It's alright, I'm right here. Just look at me," When I finally found them, his eyes were a bright sapphire and the sight of them calmed me slightly.

"There you go. It's okay." He leaned in and pressed a kiss to my forehead. I leaned into the contact, focusing on the exact shape his lips made on my head, memorizing the warmth I felt. Shakily I brought up a hand a placed it against his cheek. The stubble had grown, scratching gently against my palm.

"It's all going to be okay. Darling's in jail, he'll never get near us again."

"How can you be so sure?" I whispered, pressing my cheek against his.

"I just am. Power of positive thinking." I hiccupped a laugh and pulled my face away from his to stand and take a few steps back I needed to pull myself together.

Castle seemed to get it, staying put on the couch. The loft was silent again as I paced and somehow ended up in front of the newly replaced window. Gently I ran a finger over the frame. Unless you'd seen the loft fairly often, you'd never know that the window had been replaced.

Outside, New York was alive and buzzing. The lights were almost blindingly bright, trying to illuminate the darkness that was the city's underbelly. People were just going to bed, or just waking up, alone, with someone else, warm, cold, perfectly happy, or in terrible pain. There were endless possibilities to what could be happening. A man could be proposing on the Brooklyn Bridge while in Washington Heights a woman rocked her colicky child, just getting off a 12 hour shift. Lives were being carried out and surely, somewhere, being ended. It was a dizzying concept.

Directly below us though, cars honked, couples (clearly drunk) stumbled home, groping, kissing, wobbling along, life was happening, even in the dead of night. I didn't feel anything though. It was like I was cut off. It must have been the shock. I'd been repressing it, first fueled by adrenaline and then by the desire to shield Alexis from it in the hospital but now…

"You've got that look." Castle's voice was much closer than I'd anticipated. I flinched and spun around. He stood at my side, staring down at the street too.

"What look?"

"That look you get when you're trying not to let your emotions through." His voice softened as we watched the fifth couple of the night meander down the street, winding along the sidewalk but not in a drunk way… Well no maybe a different kind of drunk. Their hands were twisted together. The guy whispered something and his date threw back her head and laughed before, leaning her head on his shoulder. He let go of her hand and wrapped an arm around her waist, pressing a kiss to her cheek. _Love drunk_ I thought and then snorted at the absurdity of my thought. _God Castle's really firmly engrained in your brain now if you went straight to love drunk. _

Castle smiled down at the couple too, seeing the same thing, "It's cute."

"Cute?" I laughed, hearing the adjective fall out of his mouth, "You're a writer, you use shape words for a living and all you've got is 'cute'?"

"I would have used some other word a few months ago but now… Everything seems like it's too much for them."

"How do you mean?"

He pondered for a moment before answering carefully, "You let me in. You… love me and I love you and… it's like we shine brighter than anything else around. They're a flashlight in comparison to our super nova. No comparison. So yeah. 'Cute' is all I got."

The sincerity in his voice struck me oddly. I wondered if that was how he thought all the time.

"I love you Castle." It was the only appropriate response I could muster. The first time I'd said it had been the hardest to get out, as if the words were fighting to get through but now… I just wanted to say it all the time, every minute, scream it from the rooftops (cliché as that was), make up for all the time's I'd almost said it and then chickened out.

"I love you too." He reached over and plucked at my forearms crossed over my chest until I allowed myself to be pulled me into his arms again.

"Can I please apologize one last time?" I muttered into his shirt.

"You have nothing to apologize f-" he started but I placed my fingers over his lips.

"Please. One last time I swear. I just need it out of my system."

Reluctantly he nodded, "I'm sorry I got you sucked in the middle of this case. I'm sorry I didn't know when to _stop _with this case. I'm sorry I got shot in front of you. I'm sorry Alexis got shot. I'm sorry you can't get a normal night's sleep anymore. I'm sorry about your dreams and the fact that I'm no good at comforting people. I'm sorry that I'm stubborn and might be hard to deal with sometimes and kind of suck at expressing myself. I'm sorry for you getting involved in this case. I'm just… sorry."

"Are you done?" he asked, almost impatiently.

"I- uh yeah I guess so."

"Good," his head swooped down and his lips were on mine again. My hand came up automatically to tangle in his hair. His tongue skimmed my bottom lip and I shuddered, allowing his in and pushing mine out gently to meet it.

The kiss was slow, building but by the time I finally pulled away, I was completely out of breath, wheezing against the pain in my chest. Castle didn't help matters much. His lips didn't leave my skin, choosing to work their way down my neck. My breath hitched as he reached my collar bone, hovering there, barely caressing it with his lips, his breath.

"Castle," I tried to speak, sound authoritative, but it came out as a gasp, almost a moan.

"God, Kate. I thought I lost you again this week." The puffs of air against my skin became more irregular, faster.

"Hey, I'm right here. I'm okay." Role reversal. I was more comfortable on this side of the comforting.

"I know you are but… God, I just want to curl up in bed with you and never ever let you go again. I mean, I've already decided that Alexis isn't going to be more than 4 feet from me at any time ever again. That was just a terrifying day with her. She's my baby but you… I don't know that I'd do if you… either of you."

I stumbled us over to the couch, sinking against it and pulling him into my arms.

"I'd feel the same way if it was you." I whispered, running a hand through his hair, "But what happened to Mr. Positive-thinking? It's going to be okay. You just said that."

"What the hell do I know?" he laughed.

"Not much, apparently." I poked his side, trying to get him to look at me.

"Mean." He mumbled into my neck, dropping a kiss there again.

"Seriously though, Castle. You've seen me shot at before over the years and it didn't freak you out this much. Why now?"

He laughed in a somewhat sarcastic manner, "Are you seriously asking me 'why now'?"

"Yes?"

"Because now I can do this," his fingers skimmed back under my shirt, tracing over my hipbones, "And this," he tugged me until I was settled in his lap, halfway straddling him, "And this," he kissed me again, short, sweet, light, "Without worrying about you shooting me. I can show you that I'm so damn happy you're alive in ways other than bringing you Chinese and not annoying you for an hour." His nose skimmed my cheek as his lips rested against my temple, "I did freak out all those other times. I just couldn't show you. And you didn't actually get hit all those other times." His voice came out as a strained whisper over the last sentence and I swallowed a lump that appeared in my throat

"This was just a freak thing. It was the only case that I've been personally involved with and now it's closed. When I get back to work, everything's going to be okay."

He sighed and tightened his grip on me, "You're not going to let me come back with you, are you?" Well that had come from left field. I'd been putting off the 'work talk' until closer to the date that I was to return. But now that he'd brought it up…

I tensed preparing for the battle that was to ensue, "It's too dangerous. I can't imagine… And much as I want you there, I don't want you there. You're safer here, at home, doing your actual job," the jibe made him last and I continued, getting more serious again after our giggles had abated, "It'll be more dangerous now than before if you come back, because I'll be distracted thinking about you if you're there. Lex'll be on my side when she wakes up."

I didn't get the answer I'd been tensing for, "Fine."

_Wait, what? Fine? _"Huh?"

"On two conditions. And I swear, Beckett, if you don't agree, I'll go vigilante-ing around the city myself."

"Is 'vigilante-ing' even a work?" I snickered.

"I have no idea but since I said it just now, I decree it to be so. But that's not what matters now."

"What are your conditions, Castle?"

"Alright… One: You keep talking cases with me."

I responded without a thought, "Of course, couldn't stop me if you wanted to."

"Oh I don't,"

"What's the second one?" The air seemed to thicken with anticipation. I had a feeling that this one was much bigger than its processor.

"You move in here when you go back."

_Holy hell, where did that come from? I couldn't move in with him… could I? We'd only been… whatever the hell we were now for a week-ish. _

"As in…?" I stalled.

"As in home. As in we share one bed every night that you're home. As in 'our' room, 'our' bathroom, 'our' kitchen. I want you to come here when you come home. To sit down to dinner with us whenever you can get away and then snuggle up on our couch to watch a movie. I want you around all the time. I want to be able to see you after work every day just to re-assure myself that you're okay. Please. Move in."

For about four seconds my brain went into over load, processing, spouting out pros and cons, pushing him away, clutching him close until… _BOOM._ It just shut down and I said the first word that I thought of.

"Yes."

The smile that spit his face was infectious and I couldn't help but return one, "Really?"

"Yes, Castle. I'll move in with you. I mean if it's alright with your mother and Alexis and if you don't get sick of me by then and if you're sure."

He grabbed my face in his hands and pretty effectively ended my ramblings. When the heavy breathing got to be too much for my chest, I separated, leaving our foreheads pressed together.

"Mother and Alexis will be thrilled and how could you think I'd ever get sick of you?"

"I dunno Castle, I'm kind of hard to handle sometimes."

"Oh I think I'm up to it." He growled in my ear.

My brain kicked back on and I considered what had just happened. I was moving in with Richard Castle. The 9 year-old writer on a sugar rush. He wanted me around and I'd consented with barely a thought. The wall really was down. I'd let myself do what I wanted. I was sure that at some point I'd start to question if but for the moment I was perfectly content to be lulled to sleep by Castle's warmth, heart beat, the sound of his breathing and the promise of our extraordinary, future possibilities.

"You wanna go to bed now?" he whispered after several moments of silence between us as I continued to awe at what had just happened.

"Mmm." I nodded, suddenly exhausted.

He stood, not bothering to put me down and started to move towards his bedroom when I stopped him.

"Can we sleep in the guest room? I want to… Alexis and I got used to each other in the hospital and I want to be up there if she has another nightmare if… if that's okay with you?" I realized that I was most definantly pushing into 'daddy territory' but I couldn't help myself.

"Do I mind that you want to protect my kid?" he muttered sarcastically, "Hmm, let me think about that."

I reached up and twisted his ear.

"Apples, apples!" he yelped, gently dropping my feet before his hand flew to his ear, "There's no need for roughness, Detective, I was just joking."

I swallowed a joke about liking it rough and continued, "Seriously though, if that's like 'daddy territory' I totally get-"

"Kate, I love that you and Alexis are so… well you know. It makes me so happy. Of course we can sleep in the guest bedroom."

"Okay." I took his hand and we started up the stairs. We had to stop about halfway up and I shivered as cold sweat collected at the base of my neck. Jesus, adrenaline was a strong thing. I hadn't felt anything when I leapt up the stairs earlier.

"How'd you make it up a few minutes ago?" Castle asked in a hushed whisper as we snuck past Alexis' door.

"Adrenaline's a magical thing." I responded, wrapping an arm around my chest.

"You need some pain meds?" he asked, as we ducked into the guest room and I sagged heavily against the bed frame.

"No. I'm fine." I waved him away.

"Kate…"

"Seriously, I just need to sleep. It doesn't hurt that bad."

He huffed but helped me into the bed, "You don't have to be Wonder Woman around me."

"Pain meds make the nightmares worse, okay?" I snapped at him, suddenly insanely irritated with his caring. Ergh, I didn't mean to do that.

"Oh. Kate. I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's completely understandable."

"Stop being so understanding, damn it," I muttered, as he snuggled under the blankets next to me, "Makes me feel like a bitch again."

"Kate you're not a bitch. I never want to hear you say that. You're in pain and what's supposed to help makes it worse. And your boyfriend's a buffoon for not letting it drop."

My heart skipped a beat at 'boyfriend' but I was so tired and sore that I let it slide. Next time though I'd give him double hell for it.

Instead I just shook my head and tried to get comfortable. The only position that worked was on my side, facing away from Castle. No, I wanted his arms around me that night.

Seeming to sense my desires, Rick crept closer and wrapped an arm around my stomach, spooning my back to his chest. I relaxed into the hold and intertwined the fingers on my abdomen that were now tracing circles over my shirt.

"'Night Kate. Love you." His face was buried in my hair again.

"Love you too." I sighed, snuggling back in his arms more.

Some times, soon, I'd get up, get well, and get back to the precinct. I'd keep finding justice with Ryan and Esposito. I'd see my dad, I'd visit my mom's grave and give her the good news. I'd continue my life and handle whatever came my way.

But for the moment, I was happy to feel Castle's warmth all around me and know that everything was finally getting to be how it should be.

**For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple.**

**First: ARE YOU READY FOR KILL SHOT AND CUFFED? Because I sure as hell am! Welp, that's is it. The last chapter of Warm. Thank you guys so much for reading this. It was great fun and I hope you all enjoyed it. The last little bit's a little (extremely) fluffy but oh well. We've had enough angst, yes? Hopefully I'll get a chance to write more stuff with Castle. I'm kind of sad this is over :(**

**Anyway. PLEASE, leave me a review of your thoughts if you don't mind :) Hope you enjoyed.**

**Thank :)**

**M**


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